Gremlin Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		2.5
Audio		2.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		2.0

Gremlin Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown February 22, 2024

Dear future alien overlords,

Hi, my name is Ken. I recently became aware of your existence and realized the best way to contact you was in regards to one of your most excellent human assimilation training videos. Please don't worry. I have no intention of trying to thwart your plans or expose your invasion in any way that the public would believe or consider rational. Previously I chalked up the existence of sentient, invasive entities from a neighboring galaxy as nonsense. I'm a former high-ranking leader in the skeptic industry; a once respected profession that has sadly dwindled over the past eight years. This dying industry, which allowed mankind to rise to the top of the food chain and hold that position for millennia, will soon go extinct, no doubt by way of your masterful supreme influence and prowess as an invasive species. Hail to you, oh wise ones, and your greatness. Anyway, I became aware of your best parasitical, host-dominating sleeper agents after watching Gremlin, a cleverly disguised attempt by your finest artisans to mimic human emotions, storytelling, behavior and entertainment. Bravo, all ingenious ones. However, I would like to make an offer. Perhaps I, humble former skeptic Ken, could offer your Overmind or Invasion Strategum Council a small bit of constructive criticism; in exchange, of course, for a role post-full-scale invasion as an unsullied species emissary, happily enslaved but autonomous district overseer or, at the very least, a more noble station than that of mindless fleshbag, split-armed intelligence drone, or alien arachnid host body. I noticed Gremlin, for all its wondrous achievements in cinema (praise you, oh entangled ones), could be a wee bit more convincing, particularly as it comes to imitation, suspension of disbelief and performative emoting.

The rest of this letter will merely be a collection of small, well-meaning suggestions. The numerical value along the heading above has no bearing on my awe at your magnificent filmmaking and eager resignation in the face of your unmatched, unbeatable colonial tactics. Please contact my secretary with your response. His organic matter and mind may be sacrificed within the wheels of your pain masticator in my place, and in your unholy names, if you take offense to this message or wish to convey a more tactile rejection of my proposal. I also submit to any mind-wiping should it spare me the anguish of punishment or the flaying of my consciousness, if you deem it necessary (which is your every right). Thank you for your time and consideration. Let me know if you'd like to see my resume or contact references.

Alas, a solid premise does not a good film make. Gremlin begins with a great concept -- a creature within a mystical box must be passed as a gift to a loved one to spare oneself and one's family, condemning the recipient to die a horrible death in the process -- and it even unfolds with some welcome edge, willingness to kill off anyone and everyone, and some solid lore. That's about all that can be said of what the film gets right, though, as soon its low budget constraints show their teeth. Performances are downright awful. Wooden to the point of being weirdly inhuman. Is this meant to be an intentionally bad horror comedy? Is this a shot at viral Sharknado success? If so, I don't get the punchline. Far too self-serious to rise (or fall) to such heights (or depths) of B-movie greatness, Gremlin desperately wants to throw incredible acting behind its screenplay; the problem being its screeplay is filled with over-written, sludgy dialogue, can't track the established rules of its own horror game, and gives leave to endless character exposition that not only sounds ridiculous but had me laughing in all the wrong ways. Combined with the stocky, stilted performances of a cast presumably comprised of the filmmakers' friends, neighbors and hometown improv troupe players (*shudders*), very little works. It slowly comes off the rails actually, until a climactic battle that's meant to shock and awe, along with a final wide-eyed mic drop that's meant to leave audiences begging for a sequel, falls flat and sorta just sits there as the splashy credits erupt on screen, leaving you to wonder why an already bad movie decided to go all Godzilla in its final five minutes.

Worse, if Gremlin is meant to be an homage of greater films and stories -- It Follows, Hellraiser, Richard Mattheson's "Button Button", The Twilight Zone Movie, Gremlins (obviously), the old "The Cat Came Back" song, and so many, many more -- it fails, electing to copy-paste its best bits from its inspirations. "There is no such thing as a new idea," Twain once mused. "We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages." Very true. Gremlin, though, isn't a kaleidoscope. It takes each color of glass, inserts it one at a time, adds in copious exchanges of unintentionally terrible dialogue, and calls it a day. There's creativity in here somewhere (and far be it from me to assert filmmaking mastery, but then again, I know better than to attempt a career in filmmaking), and clearly someone's dream spilled out on paper, brought to life in the best way a group of well-intentioned, hopeful folks know how. It's so amateurish I almost hesitate to trash it. But it looks decent, boasts a rad little setup, and should work. It really should. All it needs is a better script, better actors, better FX, better music, better cinematography, and... you get the idea.

An experiment. Mute Gremlin. Turn down the volume. Now watch. Better, isn't it? Immediately so. As a silent film, it's quite passable. Surprising even, particularly as seemingly plot-armored characters fall prey to the titular creature. And small, quick beasties are so, so much scarier than large, lumbering monstrosities. Can I get an amen? The moment the sound returns, though; the moment the actors' line delivery drive long needles into your ear holes; and the second it becomes painfully clear that this isn't a joke, or a parody, or fun with meager budgeted filmmaking. This is a stab at indie memorability and cult classic status that doesn't have the frights, gags, scares or staying power of the films that stick with us regardless of their flaws. (Critters lives!) No, sadly Gremlin is another homebrewed genre pic that will soon be forgotten. Still, with an Amazon pricepoint that's cheaper than a single ticket to the theater, the film's Blu-ray release will surely earn some blind buys. Beware. It's so much worse with the sound on than I could ever hope to describe. Ah, well. Someone took their shot and kudos to them. Live your dream.

Gremlin Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Gremlin's 1080p/AVC-encoded video transfer has one standout sequence: a burst of crisp, vivid animation near the end of the film. Otherwise, it all looks decidedly low budget, low rent, low on striking visuals. Colors are decent, strong enough I suppose. Skin tones are relatively lifelike and detail reasonably sharp, with several instances of refined textures and good shadow delineation. That's about all I can say, though, before going negative. Contrast is inconsistent and weak, black levels rarely, if ever, drop below a dark charcoal hue, and the over-bright picture lacks vibrancy. Clarity sometimes slips as well -- the CG gremlin always looks more tangible and vivid than anything around it, its seams are readily apparent, and it never looks like it actually co-exists with anything on screen (the FX of the split-second mistress kill are sooo bad) -- but that isn't the worst of it. Banding, artifacting and other anomalies creep into the image, calling into question the strength of the encode. It's possible these things all exist at the digital source level, especially considering the film's budget. But an eyesore is an eyesore. Gremlin desperately needs a fine-tuning in lighting, contrast balance, color grading and post-production refinement.

Gremlin Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

I'm starting to feel like a bully. Gremlin means well but continues to over-reach and underdeliver. The film's lossy Dolby Digital 5.1 surround track would suffice if it weren't for its sound design matching its low budget struggles in every way. Dialogue is strangely separated from the soundscape, hovering somewhere just above effects and music in a way that sounds unnatural and slightly ADR-ish. Low-end output is assertive but shallow, lacking the depth of the weight and heft required (particularly in the film's final moments). And rear speaker activity is used sparingly and ineffectively, attempting to create immersive environments but stumbling instead into interiors and exteriors that sound like sound stages and sets. No doubt the Dolby track is only conveying what it's been given. But Gremlin's sonics would need a significant retooling to make the grade.

Gremlin Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

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Gremlin Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Well, that didn't go well. Gremlin has a great premise but fails in almost every other way. The vast majority of the performances are bad (not fun bad, bad bad; similar to this sentence), the script is as rough and cringey as they come, and all its filmmaking fundamentals fall short. It's a tempting price point, a mere eight or nine bucks, but you'll regret it. The Blu-ray isn't much better than the flick, with subpar video, a mishandled lossy Dolby Digital surround experience, and no extras to speak of. Ultimately, and I don't dare to claim to be the first one to make the joke, but the film's tagline applies to the Blu-ray: "You can't kill it. You can't escape it. You can only give it to someone you love."