3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		2.5
Audio		3.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		2.0

3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie Review

Cash-in for Asylum, Asylum for cash-in.

Reviewed by Martin Liebman November 9, 2011

You guys are the elite of the elite? Really?

Um, aren't the "three musketeers" supposed to have, like, swords and curly Rollie Fingers mustaches and capes and feathers in their hats and work in some long ago bygone era when cars and cell phones and automatic weapons would have been the stuff of sorcerers and extraterrestrial visitors? Not in the world of The Asylum, apparently. Nope, this legendary threesome-plus-one sports lingerie, Berettas, grenade launchers, and MyPads (which are capable of accepting any sort of cable, remotely piloting helicopters, and many other fun tricks) in 3 Musketeers, a ridiculously low budget spoof/rip-off/whatever of the legendary characters who, yes, just so happen to be making a slightly more legitimate reappearance in a real movie directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, he of Resident Evil fame. But never mind real movies; where's the fun in those? The Asylum is where it's at for the true thrills and chills of modern moviemaking. 3 Musketeers is gleefully and almost obtusely ridiculous. But it's also a fair bit of fun, if not completely derivative, blatantly ripping off anything and everything that's even remotely like-minded, like Salt and Mission: Impossible. It also steals one of Hudson's quotes from Aliens. Bill Paxton weeps, and requests royalties. Contact his agent for details.

Huh? A sword? What sort of 'Musketeers' movie is this?

A secret government special forces team known as "The 3 Musketeers" -- Athos (XIN), Porthos (Keith Allan), and Aramis (Michele Boyd) -- have infiltrated a North Korean stronghold and hacked a critical mainframe. But they've tapped into a missile control system, and their scheming boss, comfortably tucked away stateside, has taken control and manages to shoot down a South Korean passenger jet, setting the world on the brink of war for his own corrupt values and selfish gain. Meanwhile, government pencil pusher Alexandra D'Artagnan (Heather Hemmens) wants nothing more than to get out of the office and into the field. She catches her big break when she's given a simple assignment to interview a conspiracy theorist, but what she learns will rock her world: the U.S. and North Korea are on the brink of a devastating world war which will ignite in three days time following a nasty international incident. She knows that the only way to crack the case and prevent a global war will be to enlist the help of the Musketeers, weed out corrupt government and military officials, and save the world from the brink of armageddon.

Truly, reviewing these gems from The Asylum is more or less an exercise in futility. It should be fairly obvious by now that all of these movies are bad; the only real question, then, is just how bad they truly are. 3 Musketeers is indeed bad, but it's actually pretty far from awful. It's definitely not the worst movie ever made, easily surpassing some of the true stinkers of the medium but still packed with general ineffectiveness, plot goofiness, lousy acting, awful visual effects, bland direction, and so on and so forth. Still, it shows some life and spunk. It really does try to elevate itself into at least Steven Seagal or Wesley Snipes direct-to-video land. Sadly, it has neither the budget nor the technical expertise -- on either side of the camera -- to be even of that quality, but 3 Musketeers definitely gives those types a run for their money, all things considered. For as generic as it may be in every aspect of its existence, it's very watchable, and occasionally even slips into a heretofore unheard of territory for an Asylum movie where one might even forget it's an Asylum movie, for a few moments anyway until the next groan-inducing line of dialogue or ridiculously cheap special effect pops up. Still, it's certainly good enough to watch from bed on a sick day, because the plot is so thin that catching a few Z's even down the home stretch won't really ruin the movie, because there's no real substance there to begin with. Ergo, there's nothing to lose by not seeing the whole thing.

Nevertheless, a review of a movie from The Asylum wouldn't be complete without a listing of some of the things that manage to go terribly wrong in the process. The performances, of course, are flat and uninspired, but not downright dull. The actors at least give it a go, which is more than can be said of some of these movies where inanimate objects deliver better performances than do the actual living, breathing human beings. The cast seems to embrace the goofiness and appears to enjoy running around and shooting at bad guys, which at least gives the movie a pulse. The direction wants to be hip and cool and the editing equally so; it's as if the filmmakers tried to imitate some Tony Scott or Michael Bay movie but just didn't quite get the gist of how those sorts of movies work. Imitation, though, is the sincerest form of flattery. The special effects are expectedly on the cheap end of the spectrum, but a few of them are passably effective when combined with loud music and even louder supporting sound effects. The digital effects are the goofiest, some of which are so bad that they completely kill whatever little momentum the movie generates; look at an early scenes where D'Artagnan swings across a large banner and watch the scene go helplessly blurry. The practical effects are no better; it's rather comical to watch the characters "blow up" a garage door and run through a perfect opening with no debris and only a little smoke thrown in for "effect." The production values are just this side of terrible; the costumes look like they're all off-the-rack Wal Mart specials, grenade launchers mounted on phony M4 carbines have their barrels obviously plugged, and why it is that the President's limo sports California plates and Camp David looks like a worn down double wide? Ah, The Asylum. Can't help but love 'em.

3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

3 Musketeers swings onto Blu-ray with a 1080p, MPEG-2 encoded, 1.78:1-framed transfer. This is sort of like a case of "beauty and the beast," or maybe "plain Jane and the beast." On the plus side, the image sports largely effective details. The crisp, glossy HD video source yields intricate facial and clothing textures while also delivering complex elements on concrete surfaces and other general objects. Clarity is exceptional, and the source is relatively free of excess noise. Colors are fairly vibrant; check out Portho's yellow shirt and Aramis' red lingerie at film's open. Gaudy. On the other hand, the image fluctuates a great deal; contrast shifts and the image looks everything from excessively vibrant to pushing some nasty yellow/green vomit-like overlay. Compression problems are readily evident. Jagged lines appear regularly -- on the white limo seen at film's start, on a quick shot of the Capitol building a little later, on a regular old country road in chapter six -- throughout. Poor color gradations in low lighting conditions hurt the transfer, as does a tremendous amount of nasty banding. This is one of those HD images that looks quite sharp, detailed, colorful, stable and even pretty at-a-glance, but watch for more than a few seconds and see its true colors revealed.

3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Unfortunately, 3 Musketeers does not contain a lossless soundtrack; the included Dolby Digital 5.1 offering is one's best bet. Fortunately, all is not lost. It's very active and energetic. It fills the entire soundstage with regularity, spitting out sound effects and music from every corner. The entire track has a big, spacious feel to it. Better still, general clarity is more than adequate. It does lack some muscle in places, notably during a hard Rock tune heard fairly early in the picture. A good, heavy low end accompanies explosions and gunfire. The surrounds carry a great deal of information during action scenes, as do the fronts, for that matter. Gunfire tears through the listening area, rounds impact on surfaces all around the stage, and general mayhem springs forth from every speaker. It's actually rather exciting and makes the movie a little easier to swallow. Dialogue is fine, placed in the center and never muffled or lost under surrounding elements. Sure a lossless track would have been nice, but The Asylum has delivered a fairly good lossy presentation in its place.

3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

3 Musketeers contains a few throwaway supplements.

• Making of Featurette (1080p, 6:14): Cast and crew interview clips and behind-the-scenes footage.
• Gag Reel (1080p, 2:55): The movie wasn't funny enough in its final form?
• Previews: Additional Asylum titles.

3 Musketeers Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Yes, 3 Musketeers is a pretty bad movie, but don't lump it in with "world's worst" candidates. It has a pulse, actors who legitimately try, and halfway decent action scenes. It's a watchable little venture to be sure. It's not going to become an Action mainstay or redefine the great tradition of The Three Musketeers, but credit it for actually trying rather than phoning it in from the get-go, even considering just how absurd the premise may be. The Asylum's Blu-ray release of 3 Musketeers features problematic video, a passable lossy soundtrack, and a couple of extras. Rent it on a slow day, or buy it at a low price point from the bargain bin.