30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.0
Video		2.5
Audio		1.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		1.5

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie Review

The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they've got up there!

Reviewed by Martin Liebman July 28, 2010

The surface world will be nothing but death and devastation by day's end!

It probably wouldn't surprise anyone if this review began with the old standby "Jules Verne is probably spinning in his grave." He's not. The laws of science forbid it. But for the sake of argument and assuming that long-since departed writers of classic Science Fiction could indeed be spinning in their final resting places as a direct result of their works being bastardized for the sake of making a cheap buck and capitalizing on phrases like "XX,XXX Leagues Under the Sea" and names like "Captain Nemo," then, yeah, he might at least have some twitch going on. Of course, that's assuming he's somehow managed to obtain a flat screen TV, a Blu-ray player, an HDMI cable, a means of plugging them in, and a copy of The Asylum's 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea. In that case, he's more than likely not spinning but instead ready to rise up all Night of the Living Dead-like and get some, unless, of course, he was a capitalist and doesn't begrudge someone 100 or so years after his death taking a few liberties with his writings. The most likely scenario, though, is that the mere act of soldering his way through The Asylum's epic fail of a movie was enough to kill the poor guy a second time, going back full circle to the fact he can't possibly be spinning, particularly considering that's he's now died twice. If none of that makes any sense, try watching 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea and learn what "nonsensical" really means.

Mega Mechanical Squid Thingy vs. Not-So-Giant Aquanaut.

The U.S.S. Scotia has come into contact with an unidentified object far beneath the sea. The submarine is pulled deeper and rendered innoperable by something of great strength. The lives of its crew are in jeopardy, and the U.S. Navy calls in Lieutenant Michael Aronnaux (Lorenzo Lamas, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus) and his vessel, the Aquanaut, to use its advanced technologies to rescue the survivors of the Scotia disaster. On their way to the wreckage site, the crew of the Aquanaut passes out and awakens to find themselves on board the gargantuan submarine the Nautilus, a powerful vessel captained by a man named Nemo (Sean Lawlor). As Nemo's plans for the Aquanaut, the powerful technology it holds, and her crew come to light, Aronnaux and his colleagues must battle Nemo and his sadistic plan to destroy the world's surface, a surface, he believes, that has been defecated upon for far too long to be worthy of sustaining life.

It's The Asylum, and their movie is a blatant rip-off of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea. Case closed. There's no way this film ever stood a chance of being good, and sure enough, it's not only bad, but it's abysmal. Oh, it treads water to the point that it doesn't completely sink to the depths of filmdom's worst all-time efforts, but it's doubtful there's ever been a movie as pointless, lame, poorly acted, shoddily produced, and completely absurd as this that's managed to remain a step above the absolute dregs of cinema. All that keeps it together, really, is a plot that's far-fetched but not completely ridiculous and certainly not too asinine as a setting for a cheap movie. A crazed skipper with some powerful weapons at his disposal might be generic, but it's not an awful idea for a fly-by-night movie. Then again, a good -- yea even a stale and recycled but still serviceable -- idea can only take a movie so far. Any flick worth its salt, no matter how incredible the story it wants to tell may be, is only as good as its production values, and 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea ain't got none. Nope, this one's about as cheap as they come without looking completely amateurish. A high school student with rich parents and some willing friends probably could have done as well, and at that age and under those circumstances, been extremely proud of the results. For a "legitimate" movie though, this one's a real clunker.

Then there's the special effects. Yup, they stink. The acting? Atrocious. Yadda yadda yadda, it's the same thing with all of these movies. Rather than bore with those pesky details that serve no real purpose other than to fill a word count quota, here's instead the lyrics to Captain Nemo's, of 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea fame, favorite song:

The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?

chorus:
Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin'
Full time to floatin'
Under the sea

Down here all the fish is happy
As off through the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in their bowl
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry
Guess who's gon' be on the plate

chorus:
Under the sea
Under the sea
Nobody beat us
Fry us and eat us
In fricassee
We what the land folks loves to cook
Under the sea we off the hook
We got no troubles
Life is the bubbles
Under the sea
Under the sea
Since life is sweet here
We got the beat here
Naturally
Even the sturgeon an' the ray
They get the urge 'n' start to play
We got the spirit
You got to hear it
Under the sea

The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
The chub play the tub
The fluke is the duke of soul
(Yeah)
The ray he can play
The lings on the strings
The trout rockin' out
The blackfish she sings
The smelt and the sprat
They know where it's at
An' oh that blowfish blow

chorus:
Under the sea
Under the sea
When the sardine
Begin the beguine
It's music to me
What do they got? A lot of sand
We got a hot crustacean band
Each little clam here
know how to jam here
Under the sea
Each little slug here
Cuttin' a rug here
Under the sea
Each little snail here
Know how to wail here
That's why it's hotter
Under the water
Ya we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea floats onto Blu-ray with a decent enough high definition presentation. The opening title sequence delivers a fair amount of detail on plants, fish, and rocks, but it lacks much in the way of vibrancy. That's pretty much the summation of the entire movie: adequate detailing but subpar colors. The film's palette seems always dreary and sometimes completely out of whack, as if there's some heavy filtering going on over the lens. Even though the image captures passably good detailing, it's nothing to write home about; facial definition is decent enough in close-up shots, but as for the image creating a seamless environment where every stitch in clothing or seam in the hull of the Nautilus is plainly visible? Forget it. Black levels are usually off, either drowning out details or appearing unnaturally bright. The transfer is surprisingly free of heavy banding or blocking, but there is a hazy blue line that randomly appears over the top of the screen partway through the movie. 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea isn't going to blow anyone away with striking visuals, but the transfer is still the "best" part about this release, if one had to make that choice (though the argument could be made for the complete absence of extras. Hooray for life's little favors).

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea sinks with a troublesome Dolby Digital 2.0 soundtrack. It's not so much that the movie deserves more than a 2.0 lossy presentation -- it doesn't -- but would consistently clear and strong dialogue reproduction be too much to ask? Apparently so, at least for a budget movie turned budget Blu-ray. Though much of the film enjoys decent enough dialogue reproduction, several stretches suffer from some terribly inept and poorly-reproduced elements that have the characters sounding like they're coming through on a walkie-talkie or a tin can, while in plenty of other scenes it seems like either the microphone was 30 yards away from the actor, or that the volume got turned way down. It's bad enough that 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea is already a tough movie to sit through; making it a strain to understand what's being said makes it even worse. As to the rest of the track's elements, they're decent enough. Those shots inside submerged vessels deliver some passably effective sounds of water pressure against hulls or the general bleeps and blips and pings associated with sonar and other gadgets and gizmos found on submarines. More action-oriented effects lack much power or precision, though that comes as no real surprise. Aside from the dialogue, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea delivers a passable experience, but when there are this many issues with something as fundamental as the spoken word, it's impossible to give this track even a midlevel grade.

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea contains no extra features.

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me

Oh, right, yeah, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Skip it. Bad movie, mediocre picture quality, awful audio, no extras. Now, as to what really matters: when in the world is The Little Mermaid coming to Blu-ray? Sebastian wants his song to be heard in all its lossless glory!