Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		4.5
Audio		4.5
Extras		2.0
Overall		3.5

Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie Review

"Hope the spiders were worth it, mom."

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown May 2, 2024

Why delay the inevitable? Madame Web is bad. Real bad. Historically bad, at least as far as the MCU is concerned. And yes, that includes Jared Leto's maligned, meme-tastic Mobius, which plays like Winter Soldier or Infinity War next to Sony's latest stab at the feebly expanding Spiderverse. Madame Web takes a fourth-tier character (at best), pairs her with a cast of talented actresses hoping to snag one of those fabled Marvel paydays, attaches their efforts to a laughably disastrous script, skimps on the FX and action, rolls the ensuing plot in frayed spider webs and god-awful origin stories, slows it all down to a painful crawl, and hurls the doughy mess at the screen uncooked, hoping beyond hope that somehow, somewhere, someone will actually enjoy the thing. But it isn't enjoyable. Or entertaining. It isn't even so-bad-it's good bad. It's just bad. Bad filmmaking, bad acting, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad scoring, bad... you get the point. Yet you're still reading. Perhaps you're one of the faithful few who doubt anything Marvel could ever be that unwatchable. Well then, excelsior, dear reader, and god speed.

"What... what did we do? Oh God... our careers..."

Spider-Man? Nope. Venom? Nowhere to be found. Familiar villains? Doc Ock? Green Goblin? Vulture? Nope. Scratch, scratch and scratch. Wait, Ben Parker (Adam Scott)? The once and future Spider-Man's dearly departed uncle? Yep! Alive and well prior to whatever accident will leave little Peter P in the care of his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Let's begin then, shall we, all the way back in 1973 in the jungles of South America, where Kerry Bishe's preggers scientist Constance Webb (yep, seriously) is bitten by an undiscovered species of Peruvian spider and dies. But not before giving birth with the help of a local tribe! Now leap with me to the turn of the century, three decades later, in the year of our lord 2003, as her daughter, paramedic Cassandra "Cassie" Webb (Dakota Johnson, visibly itching for another Razzie), nearly dies herself, triggering a series of hallucinative states that begin interrupting her day-to-day life. Far from hallucinations, though, Cassie soon realizes she's getting glimpses of the future, which she uses to come to the aid of three young women -- future Spider-Woman Mattie Franklin (Celeste O'Connor), another future Spider-Woman Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), and future Spider-Girl Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) -- that are being pursued by a super-powered man named Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim). Directed and co-written by TV's S.J. Clarkson, the universally panned film also stars Emma Roberts as Mary Parker, Mike Epps as Cassie's colleague O'Neil, Kathy-Ann Hart as O'Neil's wife, Zosia Mamet as hacker Amaria, Jill Hennessy as an NSA agent, and José María Yazpik as tribesman Santiago.

"How would you know if you could climb a wall if you've never tried?" Yep, that's an actual line of dialogue you'll get to wince at over the course of Madame Web's nearly two-hour runtime. Along with gems like, "You know the best thing about the future? It hasn't happened yet." And a true mangling of Spider-lore and the tried-and-true grammar: "When you take on the responsibility, great power will come." Sigh. Clarkson and her co-writers' script is bafflingly stupid at every turn, from dialogue to plotting to twists and turns, leaving little room for seriousness despite taking itself far, far too seriously. Worse, though, is watching talented actors fumble with the words they're given, forced to try and sell a mouthful of garbage that looks and smells like nothing less than garbage. The costuming and production design isn't much better, offering up hoodies and jackets in place of legitimate superhero duds and a lame-as-it-gets dark-Spidey suit that's more pajama or tracksuit-born cosplay than high-dollar superhero flick costuming. Those tantalizing promo shots of all the Spider-Ladies suited up? Mere vision-flashes Cassie "sees" that never actually come to fruition, making this the worst kind of super-prequel; the one no fan actually wants that tells the story before the story we paid to see.

Granted, origins are a tricky endeavor. But Madame Web presents the origin of Cassie and Ezekiel's powers as if they're straight out of the Bible, albeit with a level of studio set-cheapness that bypasses comic book epic in favor of silly, don't-laugh-it's-not-meant-to-be-funny incredulity. Come to think of it, that may be the film's only saving grace: unintentionally playing like a Spiderverse parody, groan-inducing hijinks and all. And it might work on that level, if that is it had an ounce of joy pumping through its veins. There's no real sense of heart and humor here, hanging every bit of stakes on whether or not Ben and Mary will have their baby... which obviously we know they will... and which will obviously, oh so coincidentally have a run-in with a certain genetically altered spider before gaining his own breed of super powers. Imagine for a moment, if you'll indulge me, that Madame Web was the sort of time-bending stand-out that featured scenes of Cassie "learning" from future Spideys, Peter among them; or the risk that Ezekiel's plans could undo a future where young Peter would play a crucial role in Thanos's demise. Imagine a film where Cassie had to "hurry" the young Spider-Girls gifts along, shoving them into super heroics before their time. Imagine a movie that truly defies the odds, delivers something fresh and new, something challenging and different...

Then imagine the complete opposite of whatever that movie in your mind might resemble. Cue up Madame Web. As uninspired as it is ungainly. As slow and plodding as it is nonsensical and unnecessary. Yet another piece of evidence that Sony should hand off the rights to all things Spider-Man and let Marvel -- I don't know -- do its job and at least try to do it well.

Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Never mind the bland cinematography, subpar visual effects or tiresome TV-esque composition, Sony's 4K UltraHD Blu-ray release of Madame Web at least boasts a beautifully encoded 2160p presentation that's as crisp and technically striking as they come. Rich colors fill the screen at every turn. Vivid reds pop against deep, inky black shadows. Delineation reveals as much -- or as little -- as it's meant to. Contrast is dialed in perfectly, at least insofar as its filmmakers intended, making the 4K release a flawless representation of its theatrical predecessor. Detail is spot on as well, with razor-sharp edge definition, exceedingly refined textures (has Adam Scott's skin ever looked as real as it does in the screenshot above?), and a fine, filmic touch of grain that remains consistent and unobtrusive throughout. Add to that the fact that I didn't catch sight of any macroblocking, banding or errant noise, nor did I notice any crush or other issue that wasn't inherent to the source photography. Even a cursory comparison to the standard Blu-ray encode reveals a number of upgrades, making a strong case for the necessity of the go-to enhancements expected from a title with words like Dolby Vision, HDR10 and Native 4K atop its review. Don't misunderstand. I wouldn't argue that Madame Web is a great looking film. But as 4K encodes go, there isn't a pixel out of place.

Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Also infectiously proficient is Sony's Dolby Atmos audio track, which exudes more life than anything on screen. The jungles of Peru are teeming with leaf-rustling winds, the buzz of an entire unseen insect kingdom, the thrum of spider venom imbuing powers to an unborn baby, and the dreamlike loss of a main character's grip on what is and isn't real. Elsewhere, Cassie's visions create a full spatial reality across the soundfield, deploying silky smooth, eerily precise directional effects to wrap the listener in quite the convincing aural state of heightened perception. Dialogue (awful though it may be) remains perfectly prioritized throughout, is always grounded neatly in the mix, and is as clean and intelligible as they come. I actually found LFE output to be a tad lacking at times (particularly in early action sequences), though it certainly makes its presence known on the whole as well as amidst the destruction of the third act's climactic battle. It also should be noted that Madame Web sometimes becomes an exhaustingly chatty affair, with heroes sitting around shooting the breeze far too often. None of it proves to be a technical distraction by any means, but it does take away from the subjective impact of the sonic experience. Ah well. Wait long enough and the best an Atmos track has to offer will eventually come to the rescue.

Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

The 2-disc 4K release of Madame Web includes all of its special features with the standard Blu-ray copy of the film, not that there's all that much to dig through...

• Future Vision (HD, 7 minutes) - Filming the good Madame's visions and vision state, replete with cast and filmmaker talking heads and interview clips. Nothing special here.

• Casting the Web (HD, 9 minutes) - It might surprise you to learn casting for Madame Web extended beyond the requisite "looks hot", but not so much further that I buy into the claim that deep thought was put into each role's ideal actress. More on-set talking heads ensue.

• Oracle of the Page (HD, 5 minutes) - An all-too-brief look at the comics that inspired the film.

• The Many Threads of Madame Web (HD, 4 minutes) - Easter eggs assemble!

• Fight Like a Spider (HD, 6 minutes) - A look at the movie's action. Ahem, "action".

• Gag Reel (HD, 5 minutes)

• Deleted Scene (HD, 1 minute)

Madame Web 4K Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Madame Web probably won't be the worst movie you've ever seen. It won't even be the worst superhero movie you've seen. But it will most likely continue to stand as the worst modern superhero flick in recent memory, finding better company in the anti-classics of yesteryear (Batman and Robin, Catwoman, 2015's Fantastic Four, Spawn, Green Lantern et al). Fortunately, Sony's 4K release salvages the situation somewhat thanks to a striking video presentation and stirring Dolby Atmos experience. Bottom line: approach with caution.