Madame Web Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		4.5
Audio		4.5
Extras		2.0
Overall		3.0

Madame Web Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown May 2, 2024

Why delay the inevitable? Madame Web is bad. Real bad. Historically bad, at least as far as the MCU is concerned. And yes, that includes Jared Leto's maligned, meme-tastic Mobius, which plays like Winter Soldier or Infinity War next to Sony's latest stab at the feebly expanding Spiderverse. Madame Web takes a fourth-tier character (at best), pairs her with a cast of talented actresses hoping to snag one of those fabled Marvel paydays, attaches their efforts to a laughably disastrous script, skimps on the FX and action, rolls the ensuing plot in frayed spider webs and god-awful origin stories, slows it all down to a painful crawl, and hurls the doughy mess at the screen uncooked, hoping beyond hope that somehow, somewhere, someone will actually enjoy the thing. But it isn't enjoyable. Or entertaining. It isn't even so-bad-it's good bad. It's just bad. Bad filmmaking, bad acting, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad scoring, bad... you get the point. Yet you're still reading. Perhaps you're one of the faithful few who doubt anything Marvel could ever be that unwatchable. Well then, excelsior, dear reader, and god speed.

Spider-Man? Nope. Venom? Nowhere to be found. Familiar villains? Doc Ock? Green Goblin? Vulture? Nope. Scratch, scratch and scratch. Wait, Ben Parker (Adam Scott)? The once and future Spider-Man's dearly departed father? Yep! Alive and well prior to whatever accident will leave little Peter P in the care of his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Let's begin then, shall we, all the way back in 1973 in the jungles of South America, where Kerry Bishe's preggers scientist Constance Webb (yep, seriously) is bitten by an undiscovered species of Peruvian spider and dies. But not before giving birth with the help of a local tribe! Now leap with me to the turn of the century, three decades later, in the year of our lord 2003, as her daughter, paramedic Cassandra "Cassie" Webb (Dakota Johnson, visibly itching for another Razzie), nearly dies herself, triggering a series of hallucinative states that begin interrupting her day-to-day life. Far from hallucinations, though, Cassie soon realizes she's getting glimpses of the future, which she uses to come to the aid of three young women -- future Spider-Woman Mattie Franklin (Celeste O'Connor), another future Spider-Woman Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), and future Spider-Girl Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) -- that are being pursued by a super-powered man named Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim). Directed and co-written by TV's S.J. Clarkson, the universally panned film also stars Emma Roberts as Mary Parker, Mike Epps as Cassie's colleague O'Neil, Kathy-Ann Hart as O'Neil's wife, Zosia Mamet as hacker Amaria, Jill Hennessy as an NSA agent, and José María Yazpik as tribesman Santiago.

"How would you know if you could climb a wall if you've never tried?" Yep, that's an actual line of dialogue you'll get to wince at over the course of Madame Web's nearly two-hour runtime. Along with gems like, "You know the best thing about the future? It hasn't happened yet." And a true mangling of Spider-lore and the tried-and-true grammar: "When you take on the responsibility, great power will come." Sigh. Clarkson and her co-writers' script is bafflingly stupid at every turn, from dialogue to plotting to twists and turns, leaving little room for seriousness despite taking itself far, far too seriously. Worse, though, is watching talented actors fumble with the words they're given, forced to try and sell a mouthful of garbage that looks and smells like nothing less than garbage. The costuming and production design isn't much better, offering up hoodies and jackets in place of legitimate superhero duds and a lame-as-it-gets dark-Spidey suit that's more pajama or tracksuit-born cosplay than high-dollar superhero flick costuming. Those tantalizing promo shots of all the Spider-Ladies suited up? Mere vision-flashes Cassie "sees" that never actually come to fruition, making this the worst kind of super-prequel; the one no fan actually wants that tells the story before the story we paid to see.

Granted, origins are a tricky endeavor. But Madame Web presents the origin of Cassie and Ezekiel's powers as if they're straight out of the Bible, albeit with a level of studio set-cheapness that bypasses comic book epic in favor of silly, don't-laugh-it's-not-meant-to-be-funny incredulity. Come to think of it, that may be the film's only saving grace: unintentionally playing like a Spiderverse parody, groan-inducing hijinks and all. And it might work on that level, if that is it had an ounce of joy pumping through its veins. There's no real sense of heart and humor here, hanging every bit of stakes on whether or not Ben and Mary will have their baby... which obviously we know they will... and which will obviously, oh so coincidentally have a run-in with a certain genetically altered spider before gaining his own breed of super powers. Imagine for a moment, if you'll indulge me, that Madame Web was the sort of time-bending stand-out that featured scenes of Cassie "learning" from future Spideys, Peter among them; or the risk that Ezekiel's plans could undo a future where young Peter would play a crucial role in Thanos's demise. Imagine a film where Cassie had to "hurry" the young Spider-Girls gifts along, shoving them into super heroics before their time. Imagine a movie that truly defies the odds, delivers something fresh and new, something challenging and different...

Then imagine the complete opposite of whatever that movie in your mind might resemble. Cue up Madame Web. As uninspired as it is ungainly. As slow and plodding as it is nonsensical and unnecessary. Yet another piece of evidence that Sony should hand off the rights to all things Spider-Man and let Marvel -- I don't know -- do its job and at least try to do it well.

Madame Web Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Never mind the bland cinematography, subpar visual effects or tiresome TV-esque composition, Sony's 1080p/AVC-encoded video transfer at least boasts a smartly encoded image that impresses throughout. Colors are rich and lifelike, with convincing skintones, vivid primaries, and deep black levels. Delineation reveals as much -- or as little -- as it's meant to. Contrast is dialed in perfectly, at least insofar as its filmmakers intended, making even the standard release of the film a fairly flawless representation of its theatrical predecessor. Detail is spot on as well, with crisp edge definition, nicely refined textures, and a fine, filmic touch of grain that remains consistent. There also isn't any macroblocking or banding to report, although some crush does make the Blu-ray's shadows a bit problematic when compared to its 4K counterpart. No harm, no foul. Madame Web's video transfer is one of the film's two high points.

Madame Web Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The other is Sony's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track, which delivers the goods to the point that it exudes more life than anything happening on screen. It doesn't quite match the intensity of the 4K release's Dolby Atmos mix or even the heights of its compatible Dolby TrueHD 7.1 offering. But it holds its own without any significant issue. Dialogue is clear and intelligible from start to finish and prioritization stands firm even in the face of crumpling steel, showering sparks, future visions, fistfights and other super heroics. Rear speaker activity is aggressive and engaging too, with silky pans, pinpoint directionality and an immersive soundfield. I found the LFE channel to be a tad lacking at times (particularly in early action sequences), though it certainly makes its presence known on the whole as well as amidst the destruction of the third act's climactic battle. It's probably worth noting that Madame Web sometimes becomes an exhaustingly chatty affair, with hesitant heroes sitting around shooting the expositive breeze far too often. None of it proves to be a technical distraction by any means, but it does take away from the subjective impact of the sonic experience.

Madame Web Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Future Vision (HD, 7 minutes) - Filming the good Madame's visions and vision state, replete with cast and filmmaker talking heads and interview clips. Nothing special here.

• Casting the Web (HD, 9 minutes) - It might surprise you to learn casting for Madame Web extended beyond the requisite "looks hot", but not so much further that I buy into the claim that deep thought was put into each role's ideal actress. More on-set talking heads ensue.

• Oracle of the Page (HD, 5 minutes) - An all-too-brief look at the comics that inspired the film.

• The Many Threads of Madame Web (HD, 4 minutes) - Easter eggs assemble!

• Fight Like a Spider (HD, 6 minutes) - A look at the movie's action. Ahem, "action".

• Gag Reel (HD, 5 minutes)

• Deleted Scene (HD, 1 minute)

Madame Web Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Madame Web probably won't be the worst movie you've ever seen. It won't even be the worst superhero movie you've seen. But it will most likely continue to stand as the worst modern superhero flick in recent memory, finding better company in the anti-classics of yesteryear (Batman and Robin, Catwoman, 2015's Fantastic Four, Spawn, Green Lantern et al). Fortunately, Sony's Blu-ray release salvages the situation somewhat thanks to a striking video presentation and excellent DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track. Bottom line: approach with caution.