Well folks, summer is nearly over, which means that all of those big special effects-leaden
extravaganzas that you were looking forward to (or at least mildly curious about) have all
come and gone. And what we're left with is, well, read on.
The biggest movie to open this weekend, at least if we're talking about the protagonist's
biceps, is the newly rebooted
Conan the Barbarian. This time, Jason Momoa (previously
seen as a barbarian in
Game of Thrones - man that guy has range!) steps into the
loincloth previously worn by Arnold Schwarzenegger. By all indications, this movie is totally
atrocious – it was directed by Marcus Nispel, who has an uncanny ability to totally ruin
franchises before they've even begun (his
Friday the 13th remake was so
abominable and creatively inert that we haven't even seen a direct-to-video follow-up) and
everything we've seen thus far in the trailers and TV spots suggests some sub-SyFy channel
ish. See this one at your own risk.
On the other end of the remake spectrum, though, is Disney and DreamWorks'
Fright Night redux, which I
genuinely loved. Directed by
Lars and the Real Girl's Craig Gillespie and written by
Marti Noxon (who was involved heavily with
Buffy the Vampire Slayer), it stars Colin
Farrell as Jerry the Vampire (a role originated by Chris "I Have Susan Her Last Name"
Sarandon) who moves in next door to an adorably average suburban family (comprised of
Anton Yelchin as the curious kid, Toni Collette as his above-average-hot mom, and Imogen
Poots as Yelchin's sexy girlfriend). Yelchin is given an assist in his vampire-hunting duties by
Peter Vincent, played by David Tennant in a role that screams "Michael Sheen was busy," a
kind of Criss Angel-esque occult magician.
It turns out that this new
Fright Night while not reaching the euphoric highs of the
original, still has a lot going for it, including the least offensive use of 3D I've seen in quite
some time. It's fun and smart and quick and genuinely scary, with whole sequences built not
around the quick shock of a splatter of blood (although there is that too), but moments of
actual prolonged suspense. It's just terrific – and way better than the disappointing
Final
Destination 5!
But if you're tolerance for technologically motivated nonsense is really high, you can see the
latest in the series of unending
Spy Kids movies – this one called
Spy Kids: All the
Time in the World (even though, sadly, you'll never get that 90 minutes of your life
back), which effectively serves as both a reboot and a sequel. (Something the recent
Scream tried its hand at.) If you've ever wanted to see Ricky Gervais voice a robotic
dog that poops various things – this is the movie for you!
Writer/director/cinematographer/crafts services manager Robert Rodriguez, always looking for
some new shtick to obscure the fact that he's not a very good filmmaker, has introduced
smell-o-vision, a scratch-and-sniff gag that he ripped off from John Waters'
Polyester,
where things on screen correspond to scents on a card that is handed out before you walk
into the theater. Um. Genius?
The only other big release is
One
Day, directed by Lone Scherfig, who directed the wildly overrated
An
Education. This new film charts the relationship between two people (Jim Sturgess and
Anne Hathaway) over the course of 20 years. Sounds interesting, right? But the conceit
keeps the "narrative" moving forward while things are never really developed properly
because there's simply not enough time you can devote to each section of their time
together. And the studio clearly doesn't have much faith in the movie – if it were an actual
Oscar contender, it would have been released much later in the year.
But if you're adventurous and want something really wild, you can check out
The Last Circus, currently
making the art house rounds. It's directed by Alex de la Iglesias and is totally bonkers. It's
basically an old fashioned Universal monster movie set during Franco's occupation of Spain
and featuring some truly spectacular over-the-top set pieces. While I wasn't totally in love
with it, I will urge you to go. Things this different should be embraced.