Rating summary

Movie		2.5
Video		4.0
Audio		4.5
Extras		2.5
Overall		3.5

The Thing Blu-ray Movie Review

A frost-bitten remake... reboot... um, reimagining... no wait, reverential prequel to 'The Thing.'

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown January 20, 2012

"You're not here to think. You're here to get this thing safely out of the ice." It's a line the inexplicably careless Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) spits at paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) early in director Matthijs van Heijningen's critically panned prequel to John Carpenter's 1982 horror classic. But you can almost hear producers Marc Abraham and Eric Newman spitting the same line at van Heijningen early in the film's development. The Thing, circa 2011, is utterly devoid of ideas; a film running on the fumes of awe and devotion, and little more. It's a competent Antarctic alien thriller, sure, and it would make for a decent horror flick... if it existed in a genre vacuum. We aren't in a genre vacuum, though, and van Heijningen's Thing pales in comparison to Carpenter's frightfest. As a pseudo-remake, it fails. A variety of iconic scenes have been lifted from the original, some beat for beat, yet none are as gripping, chilling or terrifying. As a reboot of sorts, it fails. It sacrifices itself on the Altar of Carpenter so dutifully that it creeps when it should charge, bristles when it should attack, and flails when it should go in for the kill. As a reimagining, it fails. The few deviations it makes from Carpenter's course turn out to be the worst aspects of the film. And, yes, as a prequel, it fails. Fails to justify its reason for being, fails to enrich the story, fails to expand the mythos, fails to live up to its predecessor in every way, special effects included. I hate to say it, but Abraham and Newman should have just doubled down and produced an out and out remake. Anything would have better than the conciliatory mashup that is the new incarnation of The Thing.

Burn it. Burn it all.

"Oh, come on! It's not that bad!" I'll concede a bit. The Thing isn't awful, at least not as awful as my score might initially suggest. But it isn't all that good either, especially when you consider its lineage, budget, potential and access to CG. The story itself begins just days before Carpenter's version, answering a number of gruesome questions about the first five minutes of JC's Thing very few filmfans were actually asking. Winstead plays dress up as a Ripley-esque porcelain doll scrambling to convince her superiors and colleagues that the alien they discovered frozen beneath the ice can assume the form of any person it absorbs. She seems to be the only one at Dr. Halvorson's Norwegian research facility with any sense, though, as the good doctor and his team are all too anxious to crack the ice, take a tissue sample, stupidly give the beast an opportunity to thaw out and, in the process, risk exposing themselves to God knows what alien biohazard is lurking within. But it isn't infection they have to worry about. The creature escapes -- naturally -- and begins picking off researchers one by one, posing as its latest victim, and trying to escape the base and presumably reach a larger population center. Unfortunately, plot holes and shortfalls open en masse. What are we supposed to gather from the creature's spaceship? Or the Tron-like command center on its bridge? How is it the Thing can spear a man from ten yards away yet can't overtake our heroine when she turns and runs? Why are its abilities seemingly unlimited one moment and so terribly limited the next? Is checking for metal fillings really the best are you an alien test a group of research scientists can come up with?

More to the point, why is a lifeform with such radically advanced technology so barbaric and animalistic? Why does its intelligence drop so drastically the moment it drops its guise? Carpenter's chameleon was a cerebral predator that favored blending in, imitating the dead, toying with the living, and laying low until all options were exhausted. It revealed its true form out of desperation, and only when it needed to fight, survive, gain the upper hand or take out a threat. Van Heijningen's beastie is a dumb brute that pops its tentacles the second someone looks at it sideways. It gets worse. Carpenter's team of researchers were a likable band of good-natured rough-and-tumblers; friends and co-workers that, while certainly at odds on occasion, had functioning relationships that predated the start of the film. The same can't be said of van Heijningen's creature fodder. Joel Edgerton is a meek pilot with zero charisma (Kurt Russell he is not, much as screenwriter Eric Heisserer eventually wants him to be). Thomsen is an obnoxious blowhard, one who doesn't even enter Donald Moffat's orbit. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje gawks, limps and makes it clear he should have stuck with Lost and sharpened his craft. Kirstofer Hivju is all nerves and shivers (credit his fantastic beard for the bulk of his performance). Trond Espen Seim -- not to mention half-a-dozen other forgettable corpses -- plays a sneering Norwegian tasked with accusing our poor, hapless Americans of being aliens. And Kim Bubbs nearly falls asleep on set as a weepy French geologist that couldn't meet her maker soon enough. Even Winstead is an irritating pushover, fawning one minute, taking command the next, and ultimately acting as if she's in way over her head. You won't mistake any of van Heijningen's humans for dear MacReady, Childs, Blair, Clark, Nauls, Palmer, Norris, Cooper, Windows or even Garry. No, this cast of misfits lines up at chow time, dies with disgrace and generally asks for whatever grisly end they receive.

Effective horror, despite all the forms it's taken over the decades, hinges on three common elements: ordinary men and women thrown into extraordinarily horrific situations, a threat or evil beyond their understanding, and a sense that the anointed final survivor or survivors have a chance, however small, to survive the night and see the dawn. The scares, the tension, the atmosphere, the jolts, the dread... the things most often associated with great horror are just byproducts of good storytelling and a grasp on what makes the genre tick. Pacing and plotting are crucial, no doubt, performances and visuals go a long way, no argument here. But horror rises and falls based on those three simple elements, and those three simple elements alone. Van Heijningen's doesn't give us anyone to care about, doesn't serve up anything horrific or extraordinary (other than horrific dialogue and extraordinarily bad CG), doesn't understand the alien or the things that actually made it such a terrifying creature in Carpenter's original film, and doesn't leave any room for any of the characters to survive. We know everyone is dead when Carpenter's Thing begins, making van Heijningen's version a gory but unnecessary history lesson at its best and a tragically predictable meat grinder at its worst. Oh, one person walks away from the fiasco, his or her fate undecided, but it's a joyless victory. We know the character doesn't appear in Carpenter's Thing, so unless Kurt Russell, Keith David and this unidentified cast member are planning on making a sequel, his or her survival is meaningless. (Even Russell and David's survival amounted to something. The image of two battle-weary soldiers staring cautiously at one another -- each man wondering if the enemy he risked his life to defeat is somehow sitting across from him -- is one of the classiest endings the genre has ever produced.)

The Thing, circa 2011, is a waste of time and talent. Battlestar Galactica overmind Ronald D. Moore was attached to the project at one point, and I can picture exactly how his version of the prequel would have gone down. Language barriers, enigmatic identity, waning trust, split factions, an alien that imitates whatever it kills... can you see it? Imagine an episode of BSG as channeled through Carpenter's Thing; smart, psychological horror with character-driven twists and turns aplenty. The ending may still have been set in stone, but the journey would have been far more interesting and, I suspect, far more unnerving. Instead, Abraham, Newman, Heisserer and van Heijningen have slapped together what every horror junkie feared: an uninspired bit of misguided inspiration, a brainless A-to-Z prequel that adds nothing of note to the mix, and a mediocre rehash of a Carpenter classic that didn't really need to be touched in the first place. If Prometheus wanders down the same path as The Thing this summer, you may have to talk me down from a ledge.

The Thing Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Universal's 1080p/VC-1 encoded transfer may look like a striking high definition survivor, but look closer and you'll spot the flaws in its disguise. Mild noise reduction is apparent throughout, clarity takes a few small hits, and slightly smeared facial textures -- not soft, although there's a bit of that as well -- put a damper on the image and its otherwise decent detail. The DNR, though, was visible in the theater, meaning it was applied in post by the filmmakers, not as a last-minute touch-up tool for the film's Blu-ray release. For the most part, closeups come away unscathed (despite some errant waxiness), delineation is relatively revealing (at least as revealing as a horror movie slathered in shadow tends to be), edge definition is crisp and clean, textures are reasonably resolved, and a faint graininess persists. Blood, bile and flames give the icy palette a nice kick of color too, and chilling whites, all-too-human skintones, raw primaries and ominous blacks make every kill, splash of blood and explosion a thing of visceral beauty. There aren't any significant encoding mishaps to point to either. Artifacting and banding aren't an issue (even through some compression anomalies creep into a midnight blizzard or two), aliasing and aberrant crush are nowhere to be found, and edge halos are held at bay. All in all, The Thing looks the part. It isn't a perfect presentation, but many a viewer will be fooled.

The Thing Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Universal's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track revels in eerie silence and sudden fury, introducing scares where few exist, ratcheting up the tension when there's little to be had, and adding some surprise where there's none to be found. LFE output lunges, strikes and retreats with disarming ease, infusing roaring flames and ground-shaking explosions with power, granting beastly bellows and heavy footfalls convincing weight, and giving van Heijningen's creature some much-needed presence. The rear speakers steal the show, though. An ever-present wind howls and batters the research station's walls, a ship's systems hum to life, the clik clak shink of claws on metal echoes in distant corridors, scattering debris hurtles across the soundfield, and interior acoustics are immersive. The sound designers rely on volume over sonic prowess a bit too often, but it's in keeping with the tone of the film. Pans are also a tad abrupt at times, albeit not to any great detriment. Dynamics deliver, directionality is just short of thrilling, and dialogue doesn't falter, minus the few instances -- almost all of which are intentional -- when a storm surges, a shape-shifting monstrosity screeches, or something more sinister swallows voices in the ensuing insanity. All things considered, fans and detractors alike will be pleased with the lossless results.

The Thing Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• U-Control Picture-in-Picture: Producers Marc Abraham and Eric Newman introduce a decent, slightly deluded, yet somewhat apologetic Picture-in-Picture track that dissects the genesis, development, direction and filming of Universal's second stab at The Thing. Unlike some lesser U-Control tracks, this one offers PiP material during 15 of the disc's 20 chapters. Like most U-Control tracks, though, it doesn't amount to much thanks to short, dissatisfying bursts of production info, long stretches of U-silence, and very little in terms of raw behind-the-scenes footage.
• Audio Commentary: Director Matthijs van Heijningen and producer Eric Newman strike an laid back, effortless balance between anecdotes, technical overviews and development details, and don't spend a lot of time doing what so many of the disc's other extras do: explaining the various reasons a prequel to The Thing exists. Theirs is a breezy, candid and entertaining chat that makes the film a bit easier to swallow.
• The Thing Evolves (HD, 14 minutes): Bold title for such an innocuous EPK, especially one in which the cast and crew spend so much time justifying the existence of the film and paying their respect to John Carpenter's version. A better title would have been "The Thing Deconstructed." Regardless, fans of the new Thing will enjoy this hop-scotchy look at the shoot.
• Fire & Ice (HD, 5 minutes): "It has to look out of control yet be in control. That's the stunt game." Flamethrowers, frostbite and visual effects abound, but it would have been nice if more attention had been paid to some of the practical techniques used on set (i.e. the "air walls" used to keep flames from flicking too close to one of the actors.
• Deleted/Extended Scenes (HD, 9 minutes): Seven scenes are included -- "2 Phone Calls," "It's True," "That's Not Karl," "Colin," "Two-Heads," "Start the Helicopter Now" and "Come in, Over!" -- all but one or two of which were wisely trimmed from the final film.

The Thing Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Is The Thing an abomination? Not quite. If it weren't for Carpenter's 1982 classic, van Heijningen's prequel would have been a decidedly decent diamond in the direct-to-video rough. But that isn't the case. Carpenter's Thing does exist and continues to withstand the test of time, even some thirty years after its initial release. Van Heijningen's revision, or addition as it were, is wholly unnecessary, terribly underwhelming, and a disappointment on all fronts. Thankfully, Universal's Blu-ray release leaves a more lasting impression with a slick video transfer, an excellent DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track, and a solid selection of supplements (including an audio commentary that's better than the film it accompanies). Rent The Thing if curiosity compels you. Buy The Thing if madness takes hold. Or just watch John Carpenter's Thing and marvel at what horror can be when handled with care.