The Machine Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		5.0
Audio		4.5
Extras		2.0
Overall		3.5

The Machine Blu-ray Movie Review

"Take off that shirt and show those gangsters who you really are..."

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown September 8, 2023

Who needs a laugh? I need a laugh. And what better way to find 'em than with two new demographically specific comedies like yo bro comedian Bert Kreischer's middling manchild romp, The Machine, and insufferably relatable (often lovable) actress Jennifer Lawrence's safe and saccharine sexcapade, No Hard Feelings. Unfortunately, you'd do well to move along. There's not much to see here. Or there. Forced, generic and manufactured to the extreme, neither film serves up the surprises, genre-skewing punches or, more importantly, all-coveted laughs comedy fans long for. And I get it. There will be those who love one or the other, or both frankly. Can't get enough of Kreischer's standup? Welcome to the culmination of his shirtless, drunk-on-his-own-lunkhead schtick. Enjoy watching every interview where Lawrence cracks herself up with whatever semi-charming ADHD-riddled burst of bluntness that comes out of her mouth? Welcome to a sweet, strangely limp coming-of-age story that's too scared to offend -- or perhaps smudge the Oscar winner's weird-girl-next-door image -- to really work. Comedy is a famously subjective genre, I'll grant you. One I've been accused of being too hard on. (Which isn't too far from the truth.) But come on, Hollywood. You can do better than these predictable, palid, phone-in shoulder shrugs.

The force isn't working, Luke...

Directed by Peter Stencio ("Key & Peele", "The Last Man on Earth" and "The Afterparty"), "The Machine" is inspired by comedian Bert Kreischer's viral stand-up story about a drunken college trip to Russia that went awry. Kreischer plays himself in a loose adaptation of the bit, returning to Russia years later only to learn that his actions one fateful night years ago have led to dire consequences and the creation of a ruthless crime syndicate. He's joined by his eternally disappointed dad Albert (Mark Hamill), who refuses to believe there's any truth to Bert's wild tales, but soon learns Bert was being more forthcoming than he ever imagined. The film also stars Jimmy Tatro as young Bert (in flashbacks), Iva Babić as mobster Irina, Robert Maaser as Irina's brother Alexi, Stephanie Kurtzuba as Bert's wife LeeAnn, Martyn Ford as gangster Sponge, and Jessica Gabor as Bert's disenchanted daughter.

Mark Hamill climbs over the top of the top, God bless him, but there isn't much else to The Machine to enjoy. Kreischer is serviceable, (though Tatro is far more fun to watch) but everything from the two-bit cliche Russian gangsters to the twists and turns to the film's McGuffin -- a family heirloom pocket watch -- are as bland as they come. There are a few chuckles to be had, but far too few rise to the laugh out loud needs of the many. Worse, the action... when it finally gets going... is just as unremarkable. Oh it's amusing to watch Kreischer at long last down some vodka and throw his weight into his punches (likely an unintentional riff on Jackie Chan's Drunken Master), but the loooong, winding road to get there is full of faux fear, wild swings and desperate shots with a handgun. His relationship with screen dad Hamill doesn't land many good hits either, playing like a rookie screenwriter's intro to family conflict. It even makes a late-game juke that's one leap too far, although it pulls back at the last second to deliver the requisite put-er-there-son resolution you'll spot coming a mile away.

That said, fans of drunken, frat boy comedy antics will find enough in The Machine to satisfy their middle of the night hunger pangs. There's a banality to the proceedings that, once properly liquored up, delivers the juvenile antics and man-boob insults wherein some people find their kicks. It gets old. Fast. And repetitive to the extreme. The third act is packed with dead-on-arrival jokes that are really just variations of the same three or four self-deprecating gags Kreischer breathes and bleeds. But ol' faithful knows how to deliver 'em, and at least one will nab a grin, if not a smile. Does that save The Machine from itself? Nah. It's a shame Kreischer is in the script's driver's seat because there is something beneath all the dullness that, in the hands of a top tier team, might have given him more to work with (and improv to). Instead, the only thing that rose above the mess was a brief scene in which an unconscious Bert shares a forest chat with his younger self, reflecting on aging, parenting and growing up. But it's too little too late. The film will no doubt find its way into the bargain bin come Black Friday, so I'd suggest only rolling the dice once the price is right.

The Machine Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The Machine at least looks the part. Sony's 1080p/AVC-encoded video transfer is excellent, capturing every crisp texture and razor sharp edge the action has to offer. The film's colors are awash with a sickly green hue when the misadventures move to Russia but it's all in keeping with the seedy underworld nature of the plot. Likewise, flashbacks are grainier and warmer, matching the simpler, nostalgic memories of the past. Primaries have kick, with rich reds punctuating the dark corners of the Russian crime syndicate's stomping grounds, and black levels are nice and inky, without negatively affecting shadow delineation. Contrast is vibrant, as intended, and there isn't any out-of-sorts banding, artifacting or edge halos to report. Better still, detail is spot on thanks to revealing fine detail that looks every bit as good as you might expect. A few shots suffer from subpar CG blood spattering but that's hardly the fault of the encode. Fans of The Machine will be most pleased.

The Machine Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Likewise Sony's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track steps up nicely. Dialogue is clean, neatly centered and rarely overwhelmed by the action or the soundtrack. Pans are smooth and directionality is precise as well, with a notable use of the rear speakers to heighten the chaos of fistfights and showdowns. Every scream from a charging baddie, ricochet from a missed shot and crash of an iron hammer packs a punch, and low-end oomph is quite hefty. The subwoofer doesn't quite get the workout I would've liked, and quiet scenes are quite front heavy (even on a moving train), but it hardly matters. Just picking nits. The Machine sounds just about as good as it looks. You won't be disappointed.

The Machine Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Bert's Big Bash (HD, 16 minutes) - Kreischer yuks it up, chatting about the film's genesis during the film's livestreamed premiere. Decent but largely uninformative, despite some solid production anecdotes.

• The Making of The Machine (HD, 8 minutes) - How close to the truth is The Machine? Not much at all. But cast and crew discuss the fun of expanding and stretching the story into its final form.

• The Cast of The Machine (HD, 8 minutes) - Hamill is naturally the big "get" of the film, but the rest of the cast is given their just due as well in this actors' featurette.

• The Action of The Machine (HD, 7 minutes) - Kreischer pulls a Tom Cruise with many of his own stunts, as revealed in this rapidfire EPK that goes behind the scenes of the film's stocky action sequences.

• Deleted Scenes (HD, 8 minutes) - Four scenes. More of the same.

• Outtakes & Bloopers (HD, 3 minutes) - A few minutes of the cast having some fun at their own expense.

• Sony Previews (HD)

The Machine Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Is The Machine the rip-roaring badboy comedy you're hoping for? Probably not. But it will likely prove serviceable for fans of Kreischer's standup. Fortunately, Sony's Blu-ray release is a solid one, with a strong AV presentation at its core. The supplemental package leaves a lot to be desired (a Kreischer and co. commentary might have been fun) but it's not a dealbreaker.