Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		4.0
Audio		3.5
Extras		1.5
Overall		1.5

Stan Helsing Blu-ray Movie Review

I'm so excited I can't contain myself.

Reviewed by Martin Liebman October 26, 2009

This whole place is crawling with flesh-eating inbreds.

It was a stroke of sheer brilliance and a once-in-a-lifetime Hollywood achievement: the assemblage of all the icons of Horror brought together for one night of terror and mayhem for the retelling of the Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Schlockbuster Video Monster-Slaying Clerk. Freddy vs. Jason? That junk ain't got nothin' on this! But Stan Helsing? Now that is inspired filmmaking. Based on a true story of love, loss, and courage, Stan Helsing is a name which will forever be remembered as the pinnacle of moviemaking, the one film that could do the impossible and unite a moviegoing public like never before, captivating crowds young and old, of every political ideology, of every religion, of every nation, Ford and Chevy owners, Pepsi and Coke drinkers, and even those oddball "Star Trek" fans (ahem). Out-earning Titanic's total box office gross just on its Thursday night sneak peak alone and taking in more than every Star Wars and Jurassic Park film combined after only 24 hours, Stan Helsing united the world, ended poverty, stopped terrorism, and from that day forward, no cat ever again vomited on the carpet. His picture gracing the cover of every magazine, his name adorning the façade of high schools around the world, and the girls lining up for a mere glimpse of his pure awesomeness, Stan Helsing considers himself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

From left to right: Denzel, Judi, George, and Jessica.

To truly grasp the brilliance of Stan Helsing, one must understand the man behind the movie's true-life adventure that made him a household name and an instant billionaire. See, Stan wasn't always a babe magnet and the savior of all mankind. He started out all Tarantino-like slaving away at Schlockbuster Video where he was forced to clean toilets and answer phone calls about the store's adult titles. His rude manager, on that fateful eve, ordered him to deliver a bag full of adult videos to the owner's mother. Unfortunately for Stan, that night was Halloween night, and The Man had other plans, namely a killer party to attend. Stan's supportive friends -- a very original and highly cultured bunch of youths including his chubby best chum that dresses up in a Superman costume, his chesty ex-girlfriend (how do you like him now, now that he's on his way? Do you still think he's crazy, standing here today?), and a blonde who's a former stripper and current massage therapist -- understand the need to deliver the adult videos and gladly change their plans so Stan can make one woman's dream come true. American originals all of them; they just don't make friends like that anymore. Sorry, enough about them. To make a long story short, Stan rides around the back roads with his friends in search Schlockbuster's owner's big mama's house. They hit a dog and pick up a hitchhiker/escaped convict with a swastika tattooed on his nose, but finally, they find where they need to be: Stormy Night Estates, formerly Stormy Night Pictures, an outfit that used to make Horror movies until a devastating fire forever robbed it of its destiny. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that Stan and friends eventually have to face off with some of the scariest beasties that ever lived. Yes, the icons of Horror, the Ayatollahs of Rock 'N' Rollah, Leatherface, Pinhead, Chucky, Michael, Freddy, and Jason. Not wanting to embroil the town in a bloody feud that could cost someone's life, the understanding and compassionate Stan and his oh-so-faithful friends engage the enemy on their turf: the karaoke stage! Seeing that neither Michael nor Jason can carry a tune -- or a syllable for that matter -- chances are good that Stan will win. Go Stan! Here we go Stanley, here we go!

So of course they had to make a movie that chronicled Stan's triumph over evil. With a budget of just under $10,000,000,000,000, Stan Helsing was born. Featuring direction from Alfred Hitchcock, who was re-animated for this movie, and starring George Clooney as Stan (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson auditioned, lost the part, but served as Clooney's stunt double), Denzel Washington as his best friend, Jessica Biel as Stan's ex-girlfriend, and Dame Judi Dench as the stripper-turned massage therapist, Stan Helsing was cast before a page of the script was ever written. Rumor has it that star Leslie Nielsen also wanted in, and while the filmmakers didn't have any male roles left, they did allow him to dress in drag for a small part. Featuring revolutionary state-of-the-art special effects that make Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen look like The Last Starfighter and a score written in a joint venture by Metallica, James Horner, Kriss Kross, and Stan Helsing himself in Apple's GarageBand program (although Steve Jobs personally changed the name of Stan's copy to "10,000SquareFootRecordingStudioWithASwimmingPoolAndFullyStockedBarInTheBackBand"), Stan Helsing immediately found itself knee-deep in Oscar nominations before Hitch even set up shop for the location shoot at Stormy Night Estates. Finally, after trillions of dollars in ticket sales, billions of action figures sold, sixteen Happy Meal tie-ins, and an exclusive PlayStation 3 video game (also available for the PSP) that was itself enough to put the XBox out of commission forever, Oscar night arrived. The competition was steep. Could the immoveable force that was Miss March stop the unstoppable freight train that was Stan Helsing? Though one judge voted against Stan Helsing as a sign of protest due to the use of Herbert West's re-agent serum on Alfred Hitchcock, the film swept the night, earning Oscars even in categories for which it was not nominated (most notably in the "Short Film, Animated" category). Set to debut on Blu-ray, DVD, LaserDisc, SelectaVision, D-VHS, VHS, and BetaMax (poor HD DVD) on October 27th as a 73-disc set with eight months worth of bonus features and a digital copy, word has it that Stan Helsing has already pre-sold 700,000,000 copies on Amazon alone; apparently people want to make sure they have a back-up since even this Blu-ray is bound to get worn out. Do you have yours?

Stan Helsing Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Stan Helsing's Blu-ray release graces televisions everywhere with its workmanlike 1080p, 1.85:1-framed transfer. It's fairly colorful as the film begins; though Oscar gold is nowhere to be seen inside the Schlockbuster Video locale, the image does sport a nice array of hues -- punctuated by assorted video boxes (including Shooter and Semi-Pro; ha! mere child's play movies compared to even a single frame of Stan Helsing!) -- but the abundance of color ends there. Most of the rest of the film takes place at night, and Hitchcock's wonderful use of shadow gives the film a noir-ish tone; blacks are decent in this release, but fine detail isn't hard to come by. A few scattered shots of the villains allow for the details of the creature make-up to stand out; viewers will note the flags on the darts stuck in Pinhead's cranium, the various utensils and grooming items on Freddy's glove, and the wear-and-tear on Jason's hockey mask. The quality of the transfer doesn't really matter, though; viewers will be transfixed on the greatness that is Stan Helsing, particularly during the scene where a mouse finds its way up Dame Judi Dench's skirt.

Stan Helsing Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Stan Helsing's Greek god-like voice booms on Blu-ray via a PCM 5.1 uncompressed soundtrack. Bass is positively kickin' in one early scene. Denzel Washington's car must feature some awesome gear; no doubt there are a couple of Rockford Fosgate woofers in that bad boy's trunk. Unfortunately, there's not much surround activity here; apparently Alfred Hitchcock was not made aware of the advances in surround sound technology, but the film's Metallica-Horner-Kross-Helsing soundtrack does bleed into the back channels. A gunshot at one point in the film barely registers (the sole mistake found in Stan Helsing), but the track comes alive nicely during the intense karaoke session at the end of the film; the music spreads out across the front half of the soundstage, accompanied by a fair level of bass, and voices carry well, too. All in all, Stan Helsing's multi-Oscar-winning sound design (it's already won the award all the way through 2012, and if the world doesn't end, Roland Emmerich promises to lobby the Academy to present the award to Stan Helsing every year thereafter) is all fans should expect of it on this Blu-ray release.

Stan Helsing Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

It would be too daunting a task to cover in-depth Stan Helsing's eight months worth of bonus features, so in the interest of time a quick perusal of a few of the highlights should do the trick. The cast and crew commentary found on disc one is sheer poetry; the insights are profound, the participants well-spoken, and the track is required listening, at least once per day for eternity. Killer Parody: The Making of 'Stan Helsing' (1080p, 11:06) is next. An obvious joke piece ("parody?" please! what do they think this is, Disaster Movie?), this one features the cast and crew pretending like this was a bad movie; it makes for a nice change of pace from the more serious supplements scattered about the package. This extra is found on disc 11. Also amongst the highlights are extended, alternate, and deleted scenes (480p, 8:01) found on disc 34; a series of outtakes (480p, 4:59) on disc 65; still and storyboard galleries (1080p) on disc 70; and the film's theatrical trailer (480p, 2:35) on disc 73.

Stan Helsing Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of Stan Helsing and the movie and the Blu-ray that bears his name. Babe magnet, slayer of evil, savior of the world, and the man personally responsible for Steven Spielberg throwing in the towel as a filmmaker ("I could never top that! I quit!" he said after walking out of the premiere), Stan Helsing is the most interesting man in the world. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis. The biggest, best, and most-loved movie of all time, Stan Helsing is a classic of modern cinema the likes of which have never before, and never will be, topped. That is, of course, unless the rumored Martin Scorsese sequel pans out, though that would mean Leonardo DiCaprio replacing George Clooney as Stan; chances are, though, the change would be seamless, unlike the questionable Jodie Foster to Julianne Moore switch-a-roo. Fortunately, Stan Helsing's Blu-ray release is all fans could have ever expected. This 73-disc set is nothing but pure awesomeness, and it includes everything, even the hidden camera video footage of Stan using the restroom at a shady gas station run by a Native American and a Hippie. Stan Helsing: Blu-ray bliss through and through. Don't miss it!