Rating summary

Movie		2.5
Video		3.0
Audio		3.5
Extras		1.0
Overall		2.5

Secret Admirer Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf April 23, 2016

Released during the blur of teen cinema in the 1980s, “Secret Admirer” often plays like an effort from the 1940s. While R-rated and periodically raunchy, co-writer/director David Greenwalt infuses the feature with unexpected good taste, laboring to find an alternative way to play up shenanigans featuring horny teens without giving in to the habits of the subgenre. Not that “Secret Admirer” is a film fit for the entire family, but I’ve never encountered a picture about sex that was so afraid to mention the word “sex” when detailing a few amorous escapades, almost going out of its way to deny salacious details. Lacking invention but agreeably acted, the movie invests entirely in misunderstandings, more interested in the potential for a farce than a true inspection of virgin confusion. Greenwalt has the chance to do something special with the material, but his timing is stiff, his writing dull, and his lead character absurdly unappealing.

School is out for the summer, and 16-year-old Michael (C. Thomas Howell) is eager to party with his group of friends, including Roger (Casey Siemaszko) and Doug (Courtney Gains). His close pal is Toni (Lori Loughlin), and when Michael receives special note from an anonymous writer professing her love to him, he turns to the only friendly female in his life for help, hoping to further his chances with his unattainable crush, Deborah (Kelly Preston), believing she wrote the note. Toni is patient, assisting Michael with his own handwritten profession of love, but confusion arrives when multiple people read the letters, with Michael’s father, George (Cliff De Young) thinking Deborah’s mother, Elizabeth (Leigh Taylor-Young), is the true architect behind the written confession of lust, while Connie (Dee Wallace), George’s wife, catches on to the situation, finding comfort from Lou (Fred Ward), Elizabeth’s husband.

“Secret Admirer” explores that common teenage prison: the Friend Zone. The inmate for this film is Toni, a mousy young woman who can’t quite articulate her feelings for Michael, finding the rowdy boy treating her as a younger sibling, refusing to see her as a romantic partner. Of course, only a Hollywood movie would consider Loughlin the “ugly” one in this equation, but Michael’s eyes are firmly affixed to Deborah, a golden teen goddess who’s currently dating an older man, college student Steve (Scott McGinnis). The screenplay by Greenwalt and Kouf remains simplified for easier digestion, dreaming up a love triangle of sorts that finds everyone unsatisfied during prime summer vacation months, with Michael keeping himself entertained with his friends as they crash the group van, sneak beers in their garage clubhouse, and infiltrate a frat party to sneak closer to his object of affection.

Escalation occurs with multiple discoveries of the love letter, which, unbeknownst to Michael, grandly disrupts the daily routine in two households, inspiring elaborate games of surveillance and the unveiling of hidden desires. George wants Elizabeth, his accounting school teacher and old high school classmate, but he’s also mindful of the good thing he has with Connie, who’s fully lost her cool over the situation, joining hard-nosed cop Lou in an evidence gathering phase to make sure infidelity is a reality. “Secret Admirer” uses the presence of the letter and the responses that follow to shake up domestic stability, expanding the focus of the feature beyond the teenagers and their sexless situation. Greenwalt teases farcical intentions, but “Secret Admirer” never takes flight in that fashion, preferring to stage mild eruptions of misunderstandings and near-misses, with a lengthy mid-movie sequence devoted to tomfoolery at a make-out point high in the hills, showcasing frustrations as each character comes into contact with the reality of the odd situation.

“Secret Admirer” should be funny, but it never settles into a comedic groove. The script has a few inspired moments, including the revelation that Deborah’s eye-watering attractiveness is challenged by her sloppy eating and non-stop discussion of fashion, and Lou is an amusing hard-ass who isn’t afraid to threaten Steve with a gun to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Sadly, most of the feature concentrates on tedious slapstick involving Roger’s van and another major set piece that offers multiple explosions of anger at bridge night, hosted by Lou and Elizabeth. Also confusing is the writing, which tries to soften harsh sexual conversations with words like “boffing,” hinting that the first draft may have been written during the Truman presidency. It’s an R-rated escapade into virginal concern that tries to remain PG for as long as possible, even downplaying a few brief nude scenes. It’s a strange approach, but “Secret Admirer” never exactly settles on a tone, bouncing between harmless flirtations and the wrath of Michael, who emerges as an unrepentant heartbreaker, impossibly dim and careless to the very end. When Toni takes a moment to tell the creep off, it’s such a relief.

Secret Admirer Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The AVC encoded image (1.85:1 aspect ratio) presentation utilizes an aged scan, delivering noticeable flatness to the viewing experience. Colors are acceptable but rarely vivid, only punching through with brighter neons and louder costuming, though skintones are passable. Detail isn't terrific, but a few close-ups manage to carry some necessary texture. Softness dominates, and a minor amount of filtering is detected. Delineation struggles during evening adventures, with some solidification losing frame information. Source offers plenty of speckling and few scratchy passages, but overt damage isn't encountered.

Secret Admirer Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The 2.0 DTS-HD MA sound mix juggles the limited needs of "Secret Admirer," finding the film's farcical intentions registering clearly, emphasizing louder performances and verbal speed. Dialogue exchanges are never threatened, blended well with soundtrack selections, which retain instrumentation and pop spirit, and scoring captures a mood of discovery with clarity. Atmospherics for party sequences and school encounters are appealing, and wilder sound effects for mishaps are suitably aggressive.

Secret Admirer Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• A Theatrical Trailer (1:33, HD) is included.

Secret Admirer Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

There's a break-up-to-make-up finale engineered to give viewers a jolt of satisfaction, but the screenplay never earns the artificial surge of concern. "Secret Admirer" isn't successful as a date night effort, failing to create characters worth investing in, especially when they often act like idiots for no reason. Thankfully, the picture is nicely acted by the adults, with Wallace handling broadly comic reactions and Ward embracing exaggerated masculinity. And Loughlin is the most natural out of the younger actors, finding authenticity in Toni's frustration as her plans to win Michael's attention constantly blow up in her face. There are thespian charms to cling to when the feature goes south, weirdly denying the vulgarity that's a cornerstone of the genre. "Secret Admirer" would rather be sweet and gentle, but there's not enough kindness within the movie to support the delicate mood. And as a comedy, there are barely any laughs.