Private Resort Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		2.5
Audio		2.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		2.5

Private Resort Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf March 15, 2016

It may be hard to imagine, but three decades ago, a Johnny Depp movie could find its way to theaters and nobody cared (enter your “Transcendence” jokes here). After scoring a major supporting role in Wes Craven’s original “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” Depp graduated to leading man status with 1985’s “Private Resort,” joining newcomer Rob Morrow, with the young actors suddenly in charge of a sex comedy, running around a sun-soaked location ogling women and dodging trouble. Another offering from the teen cinema takeover surge of the 1980s, “Private Resort” is caught between the bikini-peeling demands of the subgenre and director George Bowers’s quest to construct a Mel Brooks-style farce, laboring to make the feature as broad as humanly possible while still tending to the exposure of bare breasts. While not the worst title to emerge during the decade’s obsession with sleazy behavior, the film isn’t exactly a stunner, trying too hard to please with slapstick that doesn’t blend smoothly with the endeavor’s creeper interests.

In Miami for four days of sun and debauchery, teens(?) Ben (Rob Morrow) and Jack (Johnny Depp) are immersing themselves in the possibilities of their vacation resort, hoping to score with all types of women. While Ben shows promise with hotel waitress Patti (Emily Longstreth), and Jack attempts to seduce Dana (Karyn O’Bryan), the pals are put in a difficult position when they disturb The Maestro (Hector Elizondo). An expert jewel thief, The Maestro arrives in Miami with wife Bobbie Sue (Leslie Easterbrook), on a mission to separate Mrs. Rawlings (Dody Goodman) from her enormous diamond necklace, only managing to run into trouble with Ben and Jack, who ruin the short-tempered criminal’s chances of success through their amorous misadventures.

“Private Resort” has a problem with plot. Granted, the screenplay by Gordon Mitchell was never going for Oscar gold, working hard to keep up with Hollywood trends of the day, which favored tales of young men sliding around sexual escapades, trying to land a proper, preferably easy, partner. It’s writing meant to support displays of T&A, but it’s still a bit confusing to watch “Private Resort,” which makes such a minor attempt to shape a dramatic spine, it’s unintentionally hilarious.

Very little is even explained about Ben and Jack, who’ve arrived in Miami on the prowl for anything that could satisfy their sexual longing. Who these young men are is a mystery, with their only job in the screenplay being instigation, with Jack particularly skilled with mischief, including an attempt to have sex with Bobbie Sue in The Maestro’s bed -- a botched pass that gets the movie up and running as Ben is mistaken for the hotel’s barber (Ron House), resulting in an extended encounter with the vain jewel thief that results in a partially shaved head and a hotel hallway chase, with resort manager Reeves (Tony Azito) caught up in the whirlwind of crazed activity. The only true plotline that survives with any dignity is The Maestro’s plan to lift a diamond necklace off Rawlings, only to find his schemes ruined at every turn by outside interference. The rest of “Private Resort” is a free-flowing observance of farcical interactions, near-misses, and quirky fringe characters (Dana’s sister is a guru-worshiping nut Ben can’t crack, played bravely Hilary Shepard), periodically broken up by large displays of slapstick that plays like a mix of a Frankie & Annette production and an episode of “Laugh-In,” complete with a sneaky German character. There’s even an homage to “The Three Stooges.”

“Private Resort” certainly isn’t a lazy picture, with the cast working up a sweat to make flatlining material achieve the occasional spike in consciousness, finding a brief supporting turn by Andrew Dice Clay (portraying a lothario caught up in Jack and Ben’s botched seduction routine) adding some energy to the effort, while Elizando does his professional duty, giving the feature’s best performance as the Maestro is reduced to a feral creature with a bad back and a worse haircut by the end credits. The cast is alert, which is nice to see, and in the case of Easterbrook, impressively statuesque, adding their personalities to a production that often doesn’t know what to do them. Mitchell imagines something grander and impeccably timed in his head, but what ends up onscreen is often overbearing, unfortunate (this being the 1980s, sexual, racial, and physical stereotypes are repeatedly called up to ruin the moment, while Jack carries a bottle of roofies with him to score when normal seduction attempts fail), and idiotic, watching Ben’s cruel shenanigans rewarded with a willing partner in Patti, complete with a falling-in-love montage.

Private Resort Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The AVC encoded image (1.85:1 aspect ratio) presentation doesn't deliver "Private Resort" to HD with necessary gusto. The Blu-ray provides a soft viewing experience that handles detail poorly, managing the parade of flesh, bikinis, and sheer outfits without satisfying definition. Haloing remains throughout. Colors are missing their natural appearance, delivering deflated skintones (even Easterbrook's golden visage is lacking oomph) and costuming, finding primaries fatigued. Delineation isn't up for a challenge, with evening sequences on the thick side. Source is in solid shape, without damage, but age is impossible to miss.

Private Resort Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Arriving with a 2.0 Dolby Digital mix, "Private Resort" was never built for sonic power, but the track certainly doesn't inspire closer attention or the basic idea of immersion. Dialogue isn't particularly powerful, but comedic extremes are passably clear, only tamed by louder music cues, which periodically threaten to take over. Overall, it's a quieter listening experience, demanding volume boost to bring it up to cinematic level. Atmospherics with pool and hotel room shenanigans are acceptable, also offering agreeable group activity. Nuance isn't a priority here.

Private Resort Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

There is no supplementary material on this disc.

Private Resort Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

"Private Resorts" remains committed to its original mission throughout, offering viewers an assortment of creeper shots, identifying clothed and unclothed body parts as the young men work their way around the resort's pool, aerobics room, and bathrooms, while Depp and Morrow even get in on the action, committing to rear nudity I'm sure both actors now regret. It's bawdy work, intermittently exploring bad taste, but it certainly isn't an angry feature. It's packed with silly business from start to finish, showcasing Mitchell's love for classic comedy construction, even if he doesn't exactly understand how to visualize it as successfully. In the pantheon of horndog cinema, this isn't memorable work, but for Depp completists and those who enjoy their stupidity as meagerly clothed as possible, the limited charms of "Private Resort" will suffice.