Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		1.5
Audio		2.5
Extras		2.5
Overall		2.0

Private Lessons Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf October 2, 2016

Released during the early years of teen horndog cinema, 1981’s “Private Lessons” found its inspiration for exploitation from a different source than simple teenage lust. Going controversial, the feature depicts a sexual relationship between a thirtysomething woman and a 15-year-old boy, hoping to find titillation in a taboo union, immediately separating the film from its more routine competition. Director Alan Myerson (“Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach”) takes on an incredible tonal challenge with the endeavor, and he rarely lands a stable moment of emotion or comedy, often swinging all over the place in an effort to distract from the inherent iffiness of the premise. “Private Lessons” isn’t a strong picture, failing to do something outrageous or harmonious with the material, scripted by Dan Greenberg (adapting his own novel). It’s a mess of nudity, sex, slapstick, and mean-spiritedness, unsure of it wants to stimulate viewers or repel them, unable to secure the cheap thrills the subgenre is known for.

It’s summertime for 15-year-old Philly (Eric Brown), and he’s ready to explore the opposite sex with pal Sherman (Patrick Piccininni), taking to ogling his friend’s sister and spying on maid Mallow (Sylvia Kristel), who doesn’t mind the attention. With his father gone for weeks, Philly is left inside his palatial home under the care of chauffer Lester (Howard Hessman), trying to find daily adventures to keep him busy. What he actually uncovers is a tentative relationship with Mallow, who makes several attempts to seduce the boy, welcoming his curiosity as she makes plans to deflower him. As Philly falls in love with this much older woman, her scheme, hatched under pressure from Lester, is put into motion, with the pair planning to blackmail the boy and get away with a small fortune.

There’s no twist to “Private Lessons,” which is one primary failure of the picture. Mallow’s motivations for seducing Philly are exposed right away, pressured by Lester to join a blackmail plan due to her status as an illegal alien, making her motions toward the teenager initially about self-preservation. Maybe this is the production protecting itself from condemnation, but revealing the Maid’s true intent for Philly so early in the feature dilutes sexual and emotional tension, keeping an already uninspired movie all the more bland, losing a sense of gamesmanship that challenges the viewer, confronting them with Philly’s pure excitement and Mallow’s predatory advancement.

“Private Lessons” isn’t sharply written, sticking to formula as Philly experiences an absentee parent and pals around with his obese best friend. And we know why Sherman is heavy, since Myerson has him eating in almost every scene. The pair loves to peep through windows and study naked ladies, making Philly primed for a profound sexual experience, but “Private Lessons” doesn’t remain in a coarse state of voyeurism. The production actually tries to romanticize the multi-generational pairing, suggesting Philly and Mallow are kindred spirits as the maid begins to rethink her participation in a crime. The picture’s finest moments are tied to Philly’s naiveté, isolating the fireworks going off in his soft brain as he professes a desire to marry Mallow, celebrating their enduring love. The coming of age mood really kicks into the red during primal confessional moments, but these scenes are few and far between. The rest of the feature would rather be goofy than attempt to communicate a raw instinct Philly has no clue how to manage.

“Private Lessons” is fitted for plenty of awkward slapstick, offering Hessman time to display his comedic skills, which seldom fit the tone of the picture. He’s a talented actor, no doubt, but Lester’s antics feel like they’re from a different movie, with Myerson unable to juggle broad antics with sexual confrontations. Silliness extends to Philly and Sherman, who enjoy some physical comedy and cartoon impressions of adult behavior, including a scene where Philly takes Mallow to a French restaurant, trying maturity on for size as he orders wine for his lover and slips her panties off underneath the table. There aren’t any laughs in “Private Lessons,” which careens from manure jokes to darkly comic panic tied to the discovery of a dead body. Myerson can’t figure out of the timing of his effort, so he just indulges everyone, making for an uneven viewing experience.

Private Lessons Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Packaging lists the "Private Lessons" Blu-ray as the "Original Theatrical Version newly remastered in 4K HD from the original 35mm camera negatives." Now look at the screencaps provided and see if you agree with Cinema Epoch's claim. The AVC encoded image (1.78:1 aspect ratio) is a mess and not representative with what most collectors would consider to be a true 4K remaster. Colors are muted, but they come into contact with shifting sources, finding a true palette (and resolution) difficult to discover (check out the last three screencaps to see quality differences in the same scene). Primaries are approachable but hardly wonderful. Detail is smoothed out, looking like a victim of heavy filtering, making facial particulars hard to see. At certain points, Kristel looks like she's wearing a white mask, absent any skin texture. Delineation is quick to solidify, flattening evening sequences. Artifacts seep into most scenes, with pixelation and banding common. Scratches and speckling are detected throughout, and chemical damage is periodically spotted. Certain sequences in the feature are slightly vertically stretched, while others (contained to the final act) are slightly horizontally stretched. The movie itself only takes up 15 gigs of space on the disc.

Private Lessons Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The default selection for audio on the disc is a 5.1 Dolby Digital track, is intends to open up the original mix, giving it new life for home theater use. It doesn't work. While dialogue exchanges aren't unintelligible, soundtrack selections sound hollow and distant, lacking pop music energy. Slightly better is a 2.0 Dolby Digital track, which returns simplicity to the listening experience, though a tremendous boost in volume is required to make it engaging. Atmospherics are basic, without personality.

Private Lessons Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Commentary #1 features director Alan Myerson and actor Howard Hessman.

• Commentary #2 is billed as a "Comedy Commentary" and features Marc Edward Heuck, Gariana Abeyta, and Jackson Stewart.

• And Five T.V. Spots (1:32, HD) are included.

Private Lessons Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Matters get particularly messy for Philly in the final act, which also introduces a level of cruelty to Lester's plan, content to make the boy suffer as he works to attain easy money. It's not a major issue with the film, but the third act is more troubling than entertaining, while the finale itself comes across as wish fulfillment instead of reality, trying to exit on smile instead of a frown. "Private Lessons" had its competition and imitators over the years (all offering more interesting seductresses than Kristel, who's a total blank), but rarely did another movie attempt to pull off such a provocative pairing. The picture almost invites condemnation, but fury is the wrong reaction to have with a feature that's already so hopelessly clumsy and dull.