Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		1.0
Audio		1.0
Extras		0.0
Overall		0.5

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society Blu-ray Movie Review

The review you've all been waiting for...

If you've ever found your hand drifting towards a direct-to-video entry in a series that should have been put to pasture fifteen years ago, you're more than familiar with the sort of temporary insanity that will surely lead well-intentioned filmfans to pick up Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society. Granted, the original Poison Ivy was nominated for a coveted Grand Jury prize at Sundance and went on to earn a respectable cult following, but an ill-conceived pair of increasingly absurd sequels -- including Alyssa Milano's Poison Ivy II: Lily and Jaime Pressly's Poison Ivy: The New Seduction -- all but erased any clout or status the original had achieved. Enter The Secret Society; a film so inept, so unbelievably bad that I was reduced to uncontrollable laughter within ten minutes of sliding the disc into my Blu-ray player.

All but abandoning the now-tiresome setup of its three predecessors, Poison Ivy 4 introduces a naive orphan named Daisy (Degrassi: The Next Generation's Miriam McDonald) who sets off on her own to earn a degree at Beckshire College. Initially, the wide-eyed freshman is ecstatic with what she finds -- attention from the dean's handsome son (Ryan Kennedy), a chance to win a coveted scholarship, and quick admittance into an exclusive sisterhood. However, Daisy soon discovers the members of this secret society have blood on their hands and greed in their hearts... their ambition knows no bounds. Forced to choose between what she knows is right and what the so-called Ivies demand of her, Daisy decides to bring down the infamous society once and for all.

Considering what little resemblance The Secret Society bears to other entries in the Poison Ivy series, I can only imagine the namesake was slapped onto a completely unrelated project that desperately needed a marketing angle. While the original film explored obsession, sexual deviance, and mental instability, this fourth outing is barely able to construct a coherent line of dialogue, much less establish a cohesive plot. Instead, a mind-numbing script, a delivery-challenged cast, a collection of cheesy costumes (love those golden ceremonial robes), and an endless trail of laughable sets and locations leave nothing of merit to redeem the film. Even the camerawork is dull and uninspired -- scenes begin to blur together, the filmmakers use the same establishing shots again and again, and conversations consist of alternating close-ups that reveal little more than the overzealous efforts of an inexperienced makeup artist. I hate to so casually belittle the efforts of folks fighting to find a Hollywood foothold, but I also have to believe everyone on set knew exactly what sort of abomination they were about to release in videostores across the country.

I wish I could recall a single high point in Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society -- even Amusement trotted out a fairly creepy scene with a demon-faced clown in a room full of dolls -- but everything is so excruciatingly bad that I don't want to lure anyone into thinking it's even worth a rent. Already have an unlimited Netflix account? Don't waste your queue space. Have a coupon for a free rental at Blockbuster? Turn your eyes to any other piss-poor straight-to-video fiasco on the nearby shelves. Suffer from the overwhelming desire to punish yourself with the worst films available on Amazon? Well... maybe this one is for you.

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

If you're the sort of person who slows down to gawk at a car accident, the hideous and revolting 1080p/VC-1 monstrosity included on the Blu-ray edition of Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society should appeal to your macabre sensibilities. Everything... I mean everything on display here is an absolute mess. Colors are grossly oversaturated, skintones are either flushed or bronzed, black levels are unresolved, and contrast is undeniably lifeless. It doesn't help that dimensionality is fairly flat and image depth is only convincing in a few interior shots. Worse still, the actresses look as if they've been molded from Play-Doh, object edges are smudged and soft, and textures are literally non-existent. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a single pore on a single face or even a freckle or mole that hadn't been completely wiped away (either by a massive application of DNR or the film's poor source resolution, I couldn't tell which). It may sound like I'm exaggerating but, believe me, I'm not.

Worst of all, the picture looks as if it's going to splinter apart at any given moment. Obvious artifacts fill every background, macroblocking is apparent in each scene, pixels cluster around fast-moving objects, mosquito noise swarms every on-screen element, banding pops up everywhere, crush riddles darker shots, and severe aliasing and ringing are constant issues. Honestly, short of mistakenly reviewing a shoddy DVD for a Blu-ray disc, I can't imagine what a more problematic transfer would actually look like. Unless you can't resist your own curiosity, stay far away from this one.

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society doesn't sound much better than it looks. With nothing more to offer high-def enthusiasts than a thoroughly uninvolving Dolby Digital 5.1 surround track, the film's already substandard sound design has been heavily compressed and haphazardly slapped onto a Blu-ray disc. Dialogue is often either mushy or tinny and, on occasion, even warbled or indistinct. In fact, there were several scenes in which one of the Ivies would sound as if they were in a completely different room than whomever they were speaking to. Similar discrepancies abound throughout the production and are often accompanied by other weaknesses and inconsistencies. Low-end bass tones are few and far between, the rear speakers are practically silent for the duration of the film, and the film's scattered effects are stagey, noticeably disjointed from the soundscape, and crammed into the center speaker. Sure, I haven't had the displeasure of comparing the BD track to the standard DVD mix, but I suspect I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two.

It gets worse. Directionality is a joke, channel pans are inconsistent and stocky, and the soundfield is front-heavy and uninviting. Like the film itself, I didn't find much of anything to love in this thin, muddled excuse for an audio track.

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Like its standard DVD counterpart, the Blu-ray edition of Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society doesn't include any special features... not that I'm the least bit disappointed.

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

In case you couldn't tell by looking at the bottom-feeding scores atop this review (or every word thereafter for that matter), I despised every minute of Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society. Believe it or not, the film's barebones Blu-ray release is just as bad. A disgraceful video transfer (one of the worst I've seen) has been paired with a bargain-bin Dolby Digital track (one of the worst I've heard) to produce one of the most shameful releases I've ever reviewed. Even if you've never followed a single piece of advice I've imparted in my writing, try your hardest to listen to me now: avoid this drivel at all costs.