Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		2.0
Audio		2.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		2.0

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie Review

Justice needs you to help her tie it up in the back.

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf October 31, 2011

I know absolutely nothing about the “Onechanbara” video game series, but title anything “Bikini Samurai Squad” and I’m all yours for 90 minutes. It’s an enticing title, right? Imagine “The King’s Speech: Bikini Samurai Squad” or “The Tree of Life: Bikini Samurai Squad.” Now you have to see the movie. Well, it pains me to report that the raincoat crowd should stay miles away from this Japanese stinker, which fails to provide a satisfactory amount of swimsuited justice. Instead, it’s an awful futuristic horror actioner slapped together with spare change, attempting to translate the martial art fluidity of a video game to the big screen, only to forget storytelling essentials. It’s drab, amateurish, and hideously performed. Heck, even the titular bikini is a disappointing piece of fuzzy costuming unworthy of top billing. This could’ve been a blast. Instead, it’s utterly incompetent.

In the future (which the movie lists as “20XX” for reasons unknown), evil scientist Dr. Sugita (Taro Suwa) has managed to decimate most of the Earth’s population, creating a zombie empire that’s destroyed families and ravaged Japan. On the hunt for revenge is Aya (Eri Otoguro), a silent, bikini-clad warrior with distinctive powers of defense, crossing the land with obese partner Katsuji (Tomohrio Waki), who’s madly searching for his lost sister. On their quest to rid the world of crafty zombies, the duo come across Reiko (Manami Hashimoto), a busty, bikini-free bruiser also on her way to execute Dr. Sugita. Teaming up for better odds, the gang is forced to battle their way out of a few minor scrapes with the persistent undead, finally arriving at the madman’s country compound, a place of macabre medical mischief that contains several devastating surprises for the trio, blocking their attempts to end Dr. Sugita’s reign of terror.

Titled “Onechanbara: The Movie” overseas (and on this BD), “Bikini Samurai Squad” is obviously geared toward the video game’s cult fanbase, offering the joystick strokers a chance to spy a digital pin-up in the flesh, watching a skimpily-clad war machine go about her zombie-slashing business, only this time it’s an actual flesh and blood woman raising holy hell, not just crude animation. I don’t begrudge the fans an opportunity to live out their console fantasies, but even this crowd deserves a superior motion picture. In place of a boisterous ride of exposed skin and quality zombie slaughter, “Bikini Samurai Squad” is a no-budget cash-in effort, barely able to stand up straight without becoming dizzy.

If the movie held some type of aspiration to be camp, “Bikini Samurai Squad” might’ve found its footing as a delightful piece of schlock. Criminally, director Yohei Fukuda takes the project very seriously, attempting to infuse the goofy material with a real emotional resonance, observing the characters break down over the siblings and sense of domestic peace they’ve lost. Tears are actually shed in a feature film titled “Bikini Samurai Squad,” an absurd development that makes a tedious effort positively unbearable. By treating this nonsense like a drippy Lifetime Movie, the director has stripped away any sense of escapism, disregarding cheap thrills to slap together sympathy for grim characters that barely make an impression. Not helping matters is the acting, which is uniformly dreadful, with special attention paid to Eri Otoguro and her inability to communicate any sign of life without dialogue. Not that the actress spent the last decade studying Shakespeare under Derek Jacobi, but there should be an impression of steely determination when dealing with a sword-wielding badass in a cowboy hat and a two-piece. The star doesn’t have the heroic carriage to hold the part. She fits the bikini fine, but that’s the extent of her screen value. Normally, physical appeal alone fits the bill, but there’s an emptiness about the soldier that’s unwelcoming.

Also deflating is the lack of production polish, with “Bikini Samurai Squad” incorporating cruddy visual effects that make “Birdemic” look like “Avatar.” It’s an ambitious action scheme pitting our heroes against waves of zombies, yet the digital effects are painfully shabby, always halting the flow of fantasy. The director doesn’t exactly help the cause by playing spastically with the digital gore, even abusing a colossally hacky filmmaking move: blood spray on the lens. Also incredibly strange is the picture’s use of firearms, with Reiko firing a shotgun like a machine gun, pumping unlimited lead into her growling enemies. Not since David Warbeck tried to load bullets down the barrel of his handgun in “The Beyond” has a film displayed such a flagrant misunderstanding of weapon use. At least the swords don’t shoot plasma balls.

Oh, wait. They do.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Softness is the dominant force during the AVC encoded image (1.78:1 aspect ratio) presentation. While certain aspects of the viewing experience do register as unmistakably HD, the picture quality is routinely dispiriting, barely supplying a passable amount of texture to the story's myriad of grotesqueries. Invigorating detail is lost here to a storm of noise, macroblocking, and banding, creating a grungy look that obscures the make-up work and dilutes facial activity. Crush is also a significant problem, turning blacks solid, making evening attacks difficult to read, losing distance and shape. Colors are only moderately stable, diluted to a point of insignificance, despite heavy amounts of gore that feels like it should play a larger role in the intensity of the film. Skintones are flat and unappealing, an amazing development considering all of this bikini action. Image quality is more convincing in the daylight, supplying a brightly lit view of the horror particulars.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The 5.1 DTS-HD MA Japanese audio mix (the disc defaults to English dubbed 2.0 DTS-HD MA) sounds a little too clotted considering the relative newness of the production and its digital origin. Dialogue exchanges are held frontal, yet they feel pushed down too far, lacking a direct punch befitting essential exposition and emotional projection. Nothing is completely lost, but there's no verbal force to seize attention, soon swarmed by numerous tinny scoring cues, which feel out only a faintly circular presence. The music is pronounced during certain scenes, causing some uncomfortable competition for attention. Action sequences are forcefully executed, with blunt attention to sound effects (swift movements with steel objects are easily recognized), but there's only a minor dimensional sensation with wild swordplay and flying weapons. Low-end is barely engaged outside of a few thumpy soundtrack cuts.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

There are no supplementary features on this disc.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Action plays a major part in the picture, swallowing the effort entirely in the third act, where Aya faces off against a personal opponent in the middle of what looks to be the backyard of an industrial park -- an overgrown field in dire need of a mow. It's an extensive battle between two vaguely magical creatures of rage, but only one dresses in a bikini. I'm rooting for her. The climatic face off eats up plenty of screentime, dragged out to a point where it simply doesn't matter who wins or loses, it just needs to end. It's sentiment I felt repeatedly while watching "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad," zooming from extreme curiosity to utter disinterest as the feature unfolded. Here's a message for the Japanese film industry: don't promise a blowout bikini bash with zombies unless you plan to take the invitation seriously.