Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		1.5
Audio		3.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		2.0

Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie Review

"Be scare-ful what you wish for" indeed...

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown January 8, 2014

When my wife learned she was pregnant some ten years ago, we, like so many before us, agreed it didn't matter whether the baby was a boy or a girl. We were just happy to be parents-in-the-making. Fast forward a decade. Our son, now nine; our family, a quaint three-person bit of nuclear portraiture; my wife and I, waist deep in the challenges of raising a boy. Gender-specific challenges aside, though, there are days -- days like today, as I sit watching Monster High: 13 Wishes -- that I'm grateful I'm not raising a little girl. Not because I couldn't relate. Not because I wouldn't have a plan of attack or know how to adapt my parenting. Not because I'm better suited to playing with action figures, tossing a football or other quote-unquote father/son activities. (My wife just shot me a glare. I quickly conceded and added "quote-unquote.") No, ridiculous as it might sound, it's because of the rash of mixed-message franchise's like Monster High that litter the airwaves, department stores, clothing lines, toy aisles, and book and movie shelves; feeble, frilly franchises slathered in pink and purple that purport to influence, inspire and motivate young girls but really only serve to perpetuate long-outdated stereotypes, further obnoxious female roles and anoint every daughter in America a princess, pop star or special snowflake.

I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to watch Fight Club.

Insert your own condescending blurb here.

It’s a new school year at Monster High, and the little sister of Clawdeen Wolf, Howleen, is determined to be more fangtastic than ever. Her dream of popularity turns out to be easier than anyone imagined when she stumbles upon a genie named Gigi Grant who grants her not three, but 13 Wishes! But the ghouls quickly learn to be s-careful what you wish for because each wish comes with a dark side, and soon the student disem-body of Monster High is turned upside-down! Join Frankie Stein, Clawdeen Wolf, Draculaura and the rest of their creeperiffic ghoulfriends as they journey deep inside the magic lantern to save the very soul of Monster High while flashing their killer style every step of the way!

13 Wishes shambles out of the shadows of an extremely successful doll line as shallow and superficial as the fashion-forward bestie-beasties and girlie ghoulettes who attend Monster High. And so emerges the most terrifying creature of Monster High -- the ungodly fashion -- and the self-absorbed, self-obsessed characters who feign friendship and empowerment in a story that has little to do with anything other than senior high popularity, trendiness and the sort of behavior, social circles and faux maturity middle-schoolers fantasize they'll be privy to come high school. There's an obvious moral tucked into 13 Wishes; call it a prerequisite for direct-to-video entertainment aimed at kids. But it's a flimsy one, and buried beneath contradictions and weebly wobbly priorities. Is Monster High promoting appearance, social status and beauty? Or accepting oneself regardless of such things. Is it telling young girls who feel like hideous monsters that it's what's inside that counts? Or is it giving these same girls yet another source of unrealistic expectations and anatomically ludicrous body image? For the answer, simply ask the following questions: which young woman at Monster High isn't rail thin? Which isn't decked out to the nines? Or blessed with perfectly porcelain hair, makeup and cheekbones?

There's a thin line between encouraging entertainment and entertaining poison, and I'd argue Monster High crosses over into the latter. To some that will be hypersensitive, and I may very well be overreacting to harmless grade-school wish fulfillment. To others, particularly the more watchdog parents among you, it will echo sentiments and fears felt many times in raising daughters. Will young girls enjoy 13 Wishes? 3rd, 4th and 5th graders certainly will, 7th and 8th will be much too far past the doll stage, and high schoolers will scoff at it for what it is: kids' stuff. But if 3rd, 4th and 5th graders are the target audience, why do the 13 Wishes cast of characters and the movie's watch-what-you-wish-for lesson seem so secondary to the materialism, social anxiety and veiled narcissism clearly on display? It seems monsters would be a terrific, timely and easily accessible metaphor; almost every little girl worries she isn't pretty enough, popular enough or smart enough to win friends. Why go this route? Because fashion -- and yes, fashion-oriented children's toys -- isn't interested in young girls accepting who they are or what they look like. Fashion promotes self-improvement not self-actualization. The Monster High franchise follows suit and 13 Wishes right along with it.

If that strikes you as a sermon, so be it. Bear in mind, though, that I'm raising a son and don't have to worry about these things as much. I'm a 35-year-old man drawing (perhaps overly) grand conclusions about a movie geared for a 10-year-old girl. What do I know? Just that I'm thankful I have a boy. (There's that glare from my wife again. Nope... nope, it's melting into a nod of agreement. Score one for the guys.)

Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Monster High: 13 Wishes so closely resembles its DVD counterpart that it's a complete mystery as to why anyone thought to release it on Blu-ray. Universal's 1080p/AVC MPEG-4 video presentation is decently encoded I suppose, but the upscaled results are horribly soft, with gauze-y edges, blurred textures and consistently dull, fuzzy clarity. Colors fare well enough, although lack the power and pop of those featured in other animated releases, direct-to-video or no; contrast is rather dull, with middling black levels and muted shadows; and primaries are a bit diluted, at least insofar as high definition standards are concerned. There's also slight artifacting on display and plenty of banding to go around, even if none of it is nearly as distracting as the picture's prevailing -- scratch that -- overbearing softness. When a Blu-ray causes you to hit the eject button to make sure you didn't accidentally toss in the combo pack's DVD copy, you know you're in for trouble.

Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Universal's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track is an improvement, but still rather unremarkable. Voices are clean and clear, and the soundscape is reasonably well-prioritized. LFE output is solid (albeit underutilized), dynamics are serviceable and the rear speakers somewhat lively... on occasion. Unfortunately, the experience is generally front-heavy and quite flat, without the fullness or enveloping qualities that might help it stand out from the direct-to-video animation crowd. Nothing is wrong per se -- this is no doubt the movie's sound design, sans alteration or enhancement -- but it isn't all that notable either.

Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Animated Shorts (HD, 8 minutes): Three more traditionally animated shorts -- "Department of Monster Vehicles," "Royal Pest Sitter" and "Cookie Creeper" -- are included, and look infinitely better than the feature film they accompany, both in terms of the animation itself and its video presentation. The series' overminds should abandon the clunky, hazy, outmoded CG animation of 13 Wishes for future productions and go with the animation style used here...
• Ever After High Sneak Peek (HD, 3 minutes): ...which the series' producers and animation team seem to be doing with Ever After High, Monster High's fairy tale spin-off.

Monster High: 13 Wishes Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Between the Barbie productions and Monster High movies, there sure are a lot of 70-minute toy commercials being released on Blu-ray. 13 Wishes breeds dread, and not the sort of dread you'd want from a family-oriented horror-meets-high-fashion series. From the mixed messages to the irritating characters to the mediocre animation on down, this is a good example of how not to leave your mark on the high definition family entertainment market. Universal's Blu-ray release isn't much better unfortunately, cursed with a horribly soft, DVD-esque video presentation, a so-so DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track, and a mere smattering of extras.