Miss March Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		2.0
Audio		2.5
Extras		1.0
Overall		1.0

Miss March Blu-ray Movie Review

Just imagine: there could be eleven more of these.

Reviewed by Martin Liebman July 30, 2009

It's kind of like when Han got unfrozen in 'Jedi'.

Miss March is so epically bad that there's just no way to adequately criticize it. Perhaps just a thesaurus list of synonyms for "bad" is in order, as both a means of making this review the slightest bit educational and taking the edge off after experiencing a movie that makes The Love Guru look like Casablanca. So without further ado, here's the list as provided by the Max OS X 10.5.7 widget thesaurus: substandard, poor, inferior, second-rate, second-class, unsatisfactory, inadequate, unacceptable, not up to scratch, not up to par, deficient, imperfect, defective, faulty, shoddy, amateurish, careless, negligent, miserable, sorry, incompetent, inept, inexpert, ineffectual, awful, atrocious, appalling, execrable, deplorable, terrible, abysmal, godawful, crummy, rotten, pathetic, useless, woeful, bum, lousy, and not up to snuff. Yikes. Even that list doesn't even begin to describe Miss March.

A typical reaction to 'Miss March.'

As adolescents, brothers Eugene (Zach Cregger) and Tucker (Trevor Moore) find a Playboy magazine, beginning Tucker's longstanding fascination with females and the magazine. Years pass and they have grown into high schoolers. Tucker's obsessions remain while Eugene and his longstanding girlfriend Cindi (Raquel Alessi) teach an abstinence class to middle schoolers. The week before prom, Cindi decides she no longer wants to practice what she preaches and talks Tucker into spending the night with her after prom. Eugene encourages Tucker and recommends he get drunk beforehand. On his way to meet Cindi in the bedroom while at a party that's straight out of Can't Hardly Wait, Tucker opens the wrong door and falls down a flight of stairs, resulting in a four-year coma. He awakens when Tucker whacks him with a baseball bat. Tucker then opens his new issue of Playboy to find that Cindi is the centerfold model. Tucker then breaks Eugene out of the hospital and the two embark on a cross-country journey to the Playboy mansion where they hope to reunite with Cindi.

Aside from the primary "plot," Miss March also dishes out a terribly unfunny and obnoxious side story that centers around the local fire department chasing Tucker across the country. See, one of the fireman is Tucker's girlfriend's brother who, along with several of his brethren and a few engines, is out to get Tucker after he one evening stabs the fireman's sister repeatedly in the face with a fork. Don't ask. That's the best advice when it comes to the whole of the movie, too. Don't ask, don't even think about it, just pretend like it doesn't exist. Miss March hedges its bets on vulgar dialogue and obscene visuals that positively sink an already drowning genre to an excruciating new low. Watching Miss March has proven to be the most painful and repulsive experience of this critic's career, the film supplanting such classics-in-comparison like The Love Guru and Meet the Spartans as the worst of the worst. Really, it's a futile exercise to even bother wasting the bytes on this dreck, so the review will close with one final observation. Tucker spends most of the movie standing around looking like a fool with his jaw agape, the perfect symbol for just how dreadfully substandard, poor, inferior, second-rate, second-class, unsatisfactory, inadequate, unacceptable, not up to scratch, not up to par, deficient, imperfect, defective, faulty, shoddy, amateurish, careless, negligent, miserable, sorry, incompetent, inept, inexpert, ineffectual, awful, atrocious, appalling, execrable, deplorable, terrible, abysmal, godawful, crummy, rotten, pathetic, useless, woeful, bum, lousy, and not up to snuff Miss March really is, at least until the movie's literal final second where a character releases a deluge of feces.

Miss March Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Miss March debuts on Blu-ray with a pedestrian 1080p, 1.85:1-framed transfer. The image consistently looks flat and bland with no depth or lifelike definition. Lines are sharp enough, but the film often takes on just the slightest hint of softness. Fine detail is unimpressive. The image clearly benefits from Blu-ray's improved clarity and resolution, but nothing ever stands out to set the image apart from any other. Colors, the transfer's strong suit, are adequately rendered but never really catch the eye. There's very little in the way of visible film grain at normal viewing distances, but the print is absolutely free of dirt, debris, speckles, random lines, or any other sort of anomaly. Blacks are generally fine if not a bit too bright, and flesh tones occasionally take on a red tint. Miss March never takes on a good film-like appearance; instead, it looks like a mediocre high definition television broadcast that looks fine but doesn't come close to competing with the best the Blu-ray format has to offer.

Miss March Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Miss March arrives on Blu-ray with a sufficient but not at all memorable DTS-HD MA 5.1 lossless soundtrack. The track springs to life only during the presence of the occasional rap song where bass permeates the listening area to satisfactory effect. Other sorts of music, for instance the film's score, sound just fine but don't excite the senses in the least. There's not much in the way of ambience to this one, and the rear speakers barely kick in to support the front. Dialogue reproduction is fine. Miss March makes for one of the blandest soundtracks on Blu-ray. There's not necessarily anything wrong with it, but there's nothing that stands out as terribly good, either. It does what is asked of it and nothing more, though there's more than one instance where the movie would be better off on mute, anyway.

Miss March Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Miss March contains both the theatrical version and the several-minutes longer unrated version. The supplements are few, beginning with a quintet of viral videos (480p, 13:54), one of which focuses on the film's sound design, the other four focusing on character auditions. Down & Dirty (480p, 2:08) is a brief look at the life of the film's vulgar rapper character. It's available in both a censored and uncensored version. Disc two of this set contains a digital copy of Miss March. Sampled on a second generation iPod Touch, the video serves up the same lackluster presentation as seen on the Blu-ray (though it adds plenty of unsightly blocking), and the soundtrack comes off as uninspired at best.

Miss March Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Sadly, the software does not allow reviewers to rate a movie zero stars, but rest assured this is indeed a zero star movie. Miss March is one of the least-funny and most vapid pictures ever to weasel its way onto celluloid and, now, Blu-ray. Sporting a bland transfer, a decent-at-best soundtrack, and several worthless extras, Miss March isn't even worth consideration.