Rating summary

Movie		1.0
Video		3.0
Audio		4.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		2.5

Miracle Beach Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf April 1, 2016

“Miracle Beach” has terrible timing. A 1984-style beach shenanigans endeavor that was ultimately produced in 1992, the feature missed its chance to battle the competition, coming up with its own display of horndog antics featuring a bevy of topless women, while goofball supporting characters manage slapstick requirements poorly. Perhaps in the thick of the trend, the film might’ve found its place as harmless entertainment, trying to provide enough bikini-ogling antics as possible while nursing its fantasy premise. In the 1990s, the effort sticks out awkwardly, positioned as bottom shelf video store fodder for teenage boys. Weirdly bland and incredibly unfunny, “Miracle Beach” is too friendly to inspire viewer rage, but the boredom it generates as it goes about its business stumbling through terrible scenes is enormous, with director Skott Snider caught uncomfortably between the “Mannequin”-esque date movie he wants to make and the T&A fest the producers are counting on.

A depressed server at a beachside eatery, Scotty (Dean Cameron) is having a particularly rough day. Losing his girlfriend and evicted from his apartment, Scotty is left with nothing, discovering a special bottle at the beach while hunting for alcohol. Coming to his rescue is Jeannie (Ami Dolenz), a genie on a special mission to assist humankind, offering the homeless man unlimited wishes to help him rebound. Sharing his unexpected gifts with pals Lars (Alexis Arquette) and Soup (Brian Perry), Scotty builds himself into an irresistible catch, targeting commercial model Dana (Felicity Waterman) for seduction. Working with Jeannie, Scotty develops a special rapport with his magical companion, with the pair growing close as they create the illusion of wealth, intellect, and bedroom ability. However, once Jeannie develops romantic feelings for Scotty, her experience on Earth is corrupted, faced with lifelong banishment if she can’t get her master to admit his true feelings for her.

“Miracle Beach” offers a familiar sight for movie fans: a smart aleck performance from Dean Cameron. The “Summer School” star does his umpteenth take on the cynical jester here, playing Scotty as a carefree soul hitting rock bottom when his world is turned upside down by a cheating girlfriend and sudden eviction, leaving him with nowhere to go. Admittedly, it’s a short drop for the dismal character, who promptly crashes a ritzy party to help drown his sorrows in free booze with Soup and Lars, attempting to find clarity through intoxication. “Miracle Beach” soon introduces a fantasy angle with Jeannie, who resides in an undefined storybook land, reluctantly accepting the Earth mission, packaged in an “I Dream of Jeannie”-style bottle, awaiting discovery. Perhaps the premise is too familiar, but all the recycling doesn’t seem to bother screenwriter Scott Bindley, who marches forward with a tale of moral bankruptcy, developing feelings, and beach tomfoolery, trusting the formula will support a limited cast and budget.

“Miracle Beach” isn’t a sharp film, with most jokes highlighting Jeannie’s invisibility to everyone except her newfound master, with Scott looking like a crazy man to the outside world as he interacts with his hidden friend. Added perspective is supplied by Pat Morita, playing a homeless man Scotty gifts a fresh start to, with the older man aware of the romantic situation brewing between the partners. And there’s a subplot with Lars and Soup that follows their experiences seducing (with help from Jeannie) contestants from a visiting international beauty pageant. If there’s an actual plot to “Miracle Beach,” it concerns Scotty’s hope to make beautiful music with Dana, wishing himself into a dapper, erudite ladykiller capable of stealing the model’s attention, frustrating lovesick Jeannie in the process, who makes the recently refreshed beach bum stick to his promise to avoid a one night stand with his crush. In terms of conflict, there’s not much presented here that sticks, finding the rules of geniedom vague at best, with Scotty and the boys offered as many wishes as they like, only they refuse to think big with the magical opportunity. Instead of world power and influence, Scotty wishes for an education in art and massage skills to bring Dana closer. The picture doesn’t take full advantage of its premise.

There are no laughs to be found in “Miracle Beach,” which traffics in vanilla material, keeping to small-time pranks and developments to ease digestion. However, as gentle as the movie is, it’s loaded with nudity, finding bare breasts around every corner, pushing the picture into hard R-rated terrain it doesn’t seem intended for. Add the confusion of seeing Cameron in a sexualized role (one would think his helmet-style hair would be immediate girl repellant), and “Miracle Beach” is quite baffling at times, too raw to engage the teen girl audience it aims to please, and too creepy to develop any type of winning warmth. Instead, the feature is aimless and humorless, depending on thespian enthusiasm to carry the viewing experience. Cameron and Dolenz are committed to charm, but they’re working with nothing, battling uphill with material that doesn’t color outside the lines.

Miracle Beach Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The AVC encoded image (1.85:1 aspect ratio) presentation barely captures the essentials of "Miracle Beach" with an aged scan, leading with a softer sense of detail, missing natural textures on faces and costuming, and beach environments are only passably open for exploration, surveying location particulars and distances. Colors are reasonably handled, managing period-specific hues that favor fashion and party lighting. Grain is a bit erratic, periodically noisy. Delineation has a few moments of solidification, but nothing too damaging. Source is in good shape, encountering periodic speckling.

Miracle Beach Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The 2.0 DTS-HD MA sound mix is pleasingly clean and crisp, supporting the mild feature without distraction. Dialogue exchanges are bright and direct, handling comedic and romantic scenes without interruption, remaining within a comfortable range. Scoring is inherently thin but complementary, delivering appropriate moods without distortion. Soundtrack selections deliver depth and power, emerging as listening event highlights. Atmospherics are acceptable, surveying beach life and party expanse to satisfaction.

Miracle Beach Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• A Trailer (2:01, SD), which somehow contains music from The Beatles and Steve Winwood, is included.

Miracle Beach Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Business with genie regulations and a threat to get rid of Jeannie doesn't inspire the most suspenseful third act, while the overall mood of the film goes gooey in its final moments, looking to secure a lasting union between a surfer dude and magical being. "Miracle Beach" offers a few head-scratchers (Martin Mull and Vincent Schiavelli appear in supporting parts, while Dean Cain makes an early career appearance as one of Dana's bullying boyfriends, prompting a mid-movie volleyball competition sequence), but there's not nearly enough insanity to power a successful comedy. Without credible romance, antagonism, or fantasy, a deep sense of humor is required to hold attention. "Miracle Beach" is more comfortable with the idea for jokes instead of producing the real thing.