Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		2.5
Audio		3.5
Extras		3.0
Overall		2.0

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Movie Review

I wish he would.

Reviewed by Casey Broadwater March 22, 2012

Only 5% of Hollywood movies are directed by women, so it's unfortunate that one of the most prolific female directors--former Hill Street Blues actress Betty Thomas--has consistently produced awful and/or immediately forgettable films, from The Brady Bunch Movie and Private Parts to Dr. Doolittle and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. In 2006, she brought us the tedious teen movie John Tucker Must Die, which tries to mash up Heathers and Mean Girls but only makes a mess. Unfunny, lifeless, and totally out of touch with actual teen culture, the movie somehow raked in a modest haul at the box office while simultaneously being pummeled mercilessly by critics. I'm not going to bother getting into the obvious disconnect between what audiences want and what specialized film writers expect from "good" films, but let me just say that even among movies of this sort--lightweight comedies for and about horny teenagers--this one is extraordinarily empty-headed. I can only surmise that under-18 audiences flocked in droves to see Jesse Metcalf--the hot young gardener from Desperate Housewives--baring his washboard abs and prancing about with mock-embarrassment in a skimpy red thong. Hilarious.

Metcalf--who, notably, has done little since--plays the titular John Tucker, a Richie Rich jock, the uncontested king of his high school domain, and the kind of uber-popular meathead who's a hit with the ladies even though he's an arrogant, triple-timing d-bag. (Possibly because he looks "somewhere between an Abercrombie model and a Greek god," but more likely because dating him is akin to receiving an instant, all-access pass to the elite crowd.) Unnecessary Spoiler Alert: John Tucker doesn't die, although you'll quickly wish he would. His main offense here--besides being a total tool--is that he's simultaneously dating three chicks and somehow keeping his cheating a secret. This being a thoughtless teen comedy, each girl fits neatly into a tidy stereotype. Heather (R&B singer Ashanti) is the leader of the cheerleading squad, Beth (Sophia Bush) is the earthy vegan would-be activist, and Carrie (Arielle Kebbel) is a CV-padding overachiever who belongs at least a dozen clubs, along with running the school's TV station. There's also a fourth girl--the film's real protagonist--in the mix. Kate (Brittany Snow) is the unpopular new girl in town, who "likes old Elvis Costello, listens to obscure podcasts, and reads Dave Eggars." This is told to us as evidence that she's "deep," but you could've fooled me; she acts like just another chirpy blond with an iPod full of Top-40 hits and a subscription to Teen Vogue.

After a volleyball brawl gone wrong, the four girls end up in detention together, where Kate convinces the others to join forces and get even with Tucker instead of squabbling amongst themselves. And behold! A new girl-power super-clique is formed! Sadly, instead of going edgy and smart and maybe even a little dark here--as the film's title disingenuously implies--John Tucker Must Die opts for fluffy, goofy, risk-free nonsense. What might've been an intense high school battle of the sexes proves to be little more than an half-hearted skirmish, fought primarily with lame pranks intended to make Tucker look like an idiot. (Which he already is, but whatever.) The girls trick him into appearing in a herpes-awareness ad. They get him to sneak inadvertently into a female gym coach's hotel room, wearing naught but the aforementioned thong. They spike his protein powder with estrogen supplements, causing him--overnight--to break down into defensive sobs on the basketball court, weepily confessing to his coach that he feels under-appreciated, that his nipples hurt, and that he's worried his thighs look fat. (Forget the impossibility of the estrogen taking effect so quickly; what does it say that screenwriter Jeff Lowell so cavalierly equates womanliness with an inability to control one's emotions?) The girls have a eureka moment when they realize the best way to get back at Tucker for breaking their hearts is to break his by manipulating him into falling in love with Kate--who's popularity is now skyrocketing--and then having her ditch his sorry ass. No surprise, it doesn't go so smoothly, especially not after Kate begins developing real lovey-dovey feelings for the dope. There's also a thinly developed love triangle featuring Tucker's grungy younger brother (Penn Badgely), but it's too inconsequential to matter.

This is one of those teen-pandering, PG-13 productions that was stale-on-theatrical-arrival, so you can imagine how expired it feels now, some six years later. The script barely tries, pieced together from gender cliches and stock high school scenarios. The plot plays out with an impossibly dry predictability, and the gags--both physical and verbal--fizzle out and fail to generate any laughs. What's the allure of such sub-mediocre material? I honestly don't know. The best I can guess is that it has something to do with the film's young cast, comprised largely of regulars from The CW. Of course, when you hire CW actors you get CW-caliber acting, and none of the female stars particularly shine here. Brittany Snow has a perky, Reese Witherspoon-ish good-girl-ness that's blandly palatable, but I can't think of a single thing to say about her co-conspirators that couldn't be better explained by watching five minutes of Gossip Girls. As for Jesse Metcalf, he's your standard-issue hunk-of-the-month, and it seems his time is up. I don't think John Tucker Must Die was a wise career move, though I doubt Metcalf ever had it in him to be another, say, Channing Tatum. Speaking of one-time celebs who've faded from the limelight, Kate's MILF-y mom is played by none other than Jenny McCarthy, who, appropriately enough, received a Razzie Award nomination for Worst Supporting Actress.

Note: The disc includes both the theatrical version and the "unrated" cut, which is all of ten seconds longer.

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

I'm not going to say that John Tucker doesn't look any better on Blu-ray than it did on DVD, but the difference is so negligible that even if you were the movie's biggest fan--I judge not--I don't think it'd be worth upgrading. To put it simply, the film's 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer looks lousy, and I'm almost entirely certain that 20th Century Fox just recycled an old high definition master--probably the same one used for the DVD--instead of striking an all-new one. The image is spongy and perpetually soft, with little in the way of what might generously be called "fine detail." Even closeups tend to be blurry, so you can imagine what wider shots look like. It ain't pretty. Color is decently saturated, and the contrast balance is okay, but the overall palette--in combination with the over-bright lighting at times--is gaudy and flat-out unappealing. And then there are the various print issues and compression quirks. Occasionally, the picture seems to judder around inside the frame--not wildly, but noticeably--and the film's chunky grain structure is often overlaid with harsh, bluish chroma noise. Ugly.

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

20th Century Fox must've sold this title to every market imaginable, because the disc includes no less than ten foreign language dubs and an almost ridiculous selection of subtitles. The disc defaults, of course, to the original English track, which has been given a DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround sound presentation. The audio fares better than the video quality, but this is still a merely serviceable mix. It does what it needs to do--give us understandable dialogue, a modicum of ambience, and a few peppy pop/rock song--and that's about it. There are also a handful of quiet directional effects, but the surrounds channels are mostly used as bleeding room for the music. It works.

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Commentary by Betty Thomas and Editor Matthew Friedman: I wonder how many people out there have actually listened to this commentary track in its entirety?
• Deleted Scenes (SD, 00:59): Two quick scenes, with optional commentary by Betty Thomas.
• On the Rebound (SD, 1:57): Your standard-issue mini featurette.
• Grrrl Power (SD, 4:15): Ditto. An EPK promo featuring interviews with the stars.
• Cutting Class with Jessie Metcalfe (SD, 3:54): John Tucker himself gives us a tour of the set.
• Kodiak Yearbook (SD, 3:47): A series of short interviews with the main actors, who talk about their own high school experiences.
• Live Performance by People in Planes (SD, 3:35): A really terrible band performing a bland song.
• Soundtrack Promo Spot (SD, 1:10)
• Theatrical Trailer (SD, 2:11)

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

An unlikely candidate for a high definition re-rerelease, the teen comedy snoozer John Tucker Must Die nevertheless sneaks onto Blu-ray, where it will doubtlessly land in Wal-Mart bargain bins before summer. I'm really not sure who this one will appeal to anymore. The fourteen-year-olds who went to see it in theaters in 2006 have probably forgotten who Jesse Metcalf is by now. Fans of The CW may want to check this one out to see some of their favorite one-time stars, but all others should avoid John Tucker at all costs.