Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.0
Video		0.5
Audio		0.5
Extras		1.0
Overall		1.0

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie Review

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope!"

Reviewed by Dustin Somner June 22, 2009

Formulating my thoughts on this film proved to be a little difficult until I realized Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter brought on the same feelings I had when I initially left the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show at my local dive theater. I know there’s a market for films like this, and some people go absolutely nuts for the random absurdity of it (if you don’t believe me, check out the folks that dedicate a good portion of their lives to memorizing and acting out portions of Rocky Horror Picture Show), but I just can’t understand the draw. I’ve seen plenty of B- grade films throughout my life, and a good number of quirky comedies, but the pure randomness of a film like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter requires a certain personality to appreciate it. To anyone that loves this cult classic (or Rocky Horror Picture Show), I mean no offense in my lack of enthusiasm for films of this nature, but I can’t help feeling like an outsider that doesn’t get the joke.

Jesus is about to kick some serious vampire butt!

Writing a plot summary for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a nearly impossible venture, since the film never really attempts to maintain a level of coherence. Without getting into specifics, a hoard of vampires have been wiping out the lesbian population, requiring Jesus Christ (Phil Caracas) to return to earth as a vampire hunter. Along the way, he battles vampires, athiests, and a maniacle doctor hellbent on the slaying of innocent lesbians. With the help of his sidekick (Mexican wrestler Santos), Jesus sings, dances and kicks his way through everyone that stands in his way, spreading the word of god one foot at a time.

So there you have it. A full hour and a half of singing, dancing and low-budget fight sequences that remind me of watching LARPers (live action role players) wage war against each other. This film takes cheese to a whole new level. The acting is over-the-top, the gore effects are hilariously bad, and the script is cringe-inducing. Judging from the delivery of the lines, I’d assume nobody in the production had any prior acting experience (though Phil Caracas does manage to deliver his lines with a certain level of tongue-in-cheek charm), and we’re not likely to see them in any other films unless they’re further productions from director Lee Demarbre. If you ever thought about making a film with a group of friends back when you were in high school, I’d imagine it would have turned out something like this. I can respect the effort that goes into the production of an indie film, and hate to rain on the parade of those involved in this one, but at the end of the day, feeling sorry for having to slam a film doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.

If there was one aspect of the film I halfway enjoyed, it was the musical number at the beginning with everyone dancing around the city. That sequence sets the film up as a musical (which isn’t entirely accurate given the lack of songs through the duration of the film), and gives the production a light-hearted feel. It was almost as if the filmmakers are begging the viewer not to take it too seriously. Unfortunately, that’s really all I can say on a positive note, since the film ultimately fails to succeed on any level. I’m not sure how productions such as this go on to acquire a cult status, but Music Video Distribution must have felt there was something special about the movie to warrant a Blu-ray release. I just don’t get it…

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Presented in 1080p utilizing the VC-1 codec (at an average bitrate of 14Mbps), Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is an atrocious visual experience. I'm still trying to comprehend why this was even released in high-definition, considering the source material is in such awful shape. Detail appears subpar even for an upconverted DVD and there's a heavy layer of noise (16mm has a tendency to produce heavy grain) over the entire screen that runs through the full runtime. Witnessing print specks or the occasional scratch would have been welcomed, but what we have here appear to be full dirt globs. There was even a section about halfway through the film where black lines ran through the middle of the screen, which was probably caused by film damage at the time the material was shot. Continuing the trend of disappointments, black levels were dismal, contrast shows little differentiation, and colors are washed out. You probably don't need to hear any additional negatives, but the last thing worth pointing out is the presence of vomit inducing image stability issues (a steady-cam or tripod would have done wonders). In the end, this qualifies as one of the worst Blu-rays I've seen thus far on the format.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The only audio offering on the disc is a Dolby Digital 2.0 track in the native language of English. Matching the quality of the video, the audio track is a horrible example of low-budget recording. Within the first few minutes of the film you'll realize the voicework was added after the filming, so the dialogue has a tendency to not line up with the lip movements in the feature. Regarding the dialogue itself, there's a fair amount of clipping as the recording equipment seems unable to handle the higher volume of yelling or loud voices. The sound effects are significantly distorted, but it isn't terribly distracting considering the cheesy nature of the entire production. Smacking sounds are used during the fight scenes to simulate kicks or punches, and the trademark kung-fu swoosh is applied to any movement during the battles. As you can imagine, volume levels between the music, dialogue and effects are rarely balanced in a pleasing manner, but I guess that's to be expected when a group of aspiring filmmakers set out to complete an amateur film of this nature.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Remembering Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (480p, Dolby Digital 2.0, 14:31 min): Shot at the McArthur Bowling Lanes in Ottawa Canada, this supplement features the lead actors, writer and director from the film. They're asked various questions about their experiences, but the bulk of the interviews focus on everyone's favorite memories from the completion of the film (this feature is filmed nine years after the film production was started).

The only other supplements are a standard definition trailer for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and a photo gallery that's painfully slow to navigate through.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

If you're a fan of quirky indie movies with dismal productions values, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter may be worth a rental. I couldn't muster any level of enjoyment from the film, and I'd imagine the vast majority of the public would feel the same way, but there have to be some individuals out there that are into this sort of production. From a technical standpoint, I can't justify a recommendation to anyone (no matter how much you like the film). I doubt this looks much better than the DVD version, and even at a budget retail price, it's simply not worth your hard earned money.