I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		3.5
Audio		3.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		1.5

I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie Review

Easy to hate. The film, I mean, not Valentine’s Day.

Reviewed by Casey Broadwater February 22, 2010

If there’s one thing that’s worse than a bad romantic comedy, it’s a bad seasonal rom-com, the kind that gets trundled out perennially around Christmas and Valentine’s Day along with all the chocolates, greeting cards, and other mawkish accoutrements of supposed holiday cheer that get foisted upon us by industries exploiting our most tender feelings. No, I’m not some stonyhearted, emotionally constipated cynic sneering at lovers passing by with their hands entwined; I just happen to think there’s nothing less romantic than soulless, pre-packaged sentiment, especially when it takes the form of a rigidly formulaic rom-com. Now, there’s nothing expressly wrong with sticking to a formula. The very notion of comedy, tragedy, and romance as literary and cinematic genres implies an expected trajectory and an adherence to certain rules. Like jazz, though, it’s all about the improvisation, throwing in slight variations and unexpected notes. And nothing about I Hate Valentine’s Day is even mildly unexpected.

Genevieve and Greg are as disappointed with this modern art as I am with this movie.

The film stars, and was written and directed by Nia Vardalos, whose Big Fat Greek Wedding was the sleeper indie hit of 2002—grossing an unheard of $400 million worldwide— proving quite emphatically that romantic comedies don’t have to be big-budget studio affairs, and that “ethnic” stories can be popular with mainstream cinemagoers. Much was also made of Vardalos’ decidedly plus-sized physique, a refreshing contrast to Hollywood’s abundance of twiggy ingénues with their gaunt cheeks and heroin-addict arms. And she truly was a fresh face in a genre that had gone long-since stale. Since 2002, however, Vardalos has shed the pounds, and her homespun charm—and box-office allure—has vanished as well. Her subsequent films have been successively worse, both critically and commercially, from 2004’s slip-up Connie and Carla, to her one-two punch of rom-com awfulness in 2009 with My Life in Ruins— which could have been called My Career in Ruins—and I Hate Valentine’s Day, a generic love story that reunites Vardalos with her Greek Wedding co-star John Corbett.

Vardalos plays Genevieve, a free-spirited florist with some peculiar ideas about 21st century relationships. “When the romance is gone, it’s time to move on,” is her rhyming love-life philosophy, and she’s got dating down to an exact science. “Five dates,” she says, “happens to be the perfect amount of time to achieve maximum fun with no pain. No expectations equals no disappointment. It’s just fun, and there are no rules.” Of course, Genevieve is blind to the fact that her five-date limit is a rule, and that her c’est la vie attitude is actually a front for the distrust she feels toward men after her no-good dad cheated on her poor mom. It goes without saying—this is a rom-com after all—that some handsome single suitor will come knocking on the defenses of her carefully guarded heart, eventually tearing down the emotional barricades after 98 minutes of exasperation, miscommunication, and a sour cream dollop of cute ‘n’ quirky comedy. That man is Greg (John Corbett), an attorney-turned-restaurateur who’s opening a tapas bar in the same Brooklyn neighborhood as Genevieve’s flower shop. The name of the bar? “Get On Tapas.” Get it? Hilarious. Almost as good as the Vietnamese place I used to frequent called “What the Pho?” Anyway, Genevieve and Greg have their one-two-three-four-five romantic outings, and they both want more, but she’s stuck on her five-date cap, and he’s not sure what she really wants, and both of them refuse to call each other and…snoozers! Make sure someone wakes you up when it’s over, or else the film will return to the Blu-ray menu and its obnoxiously cloying music.

And so Genevieve learns all the usual lessons about letting go of the past and opening her heart to the possibilities of love et cetera, et cetera, while we suffer through jokes that fall flatter than Wile E. Coyote and performances that will cause even the most sympathetic audiences to suck air through their teeth in sudden winces of pain. Take, for instance, the actors playing the gay men who work for Genevieve’s flower shop, who labor under the pretense that portrayals of homosexuals must adhere to the broadest stereotypes that heterosexual minds can muster. I wouldn’t have been surprised if one of them started belting out a Judy Garland song while the other danced with a feather boa. The rest of the surrounding cast is a menagerie of forgettable kooks, led by Gary Wilmes as Greg’s meathead law-school chum Cal, and the always-unsettling Rachel Dratch, who looks a bit like one of those prematurely aging children and acts like an alien who learned human by watching beamed-into-outer-space episodes of Laverne & Shirley. John Corbett does his usual laid-back, man’s man with a sensitive side shtick, and Nia Vardalos forces a pained and ceaseless smile throughout, like a third-place Miss America contestant waving farewell to the crowd. With three consecutive cinematic misses under her belt—which has been cinched a few notches since 2002—waving goodbye is exactly what Vardalos seems to be doing.

I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

When you think "romantic comedy" and "cinematography," you probably imagine overly bright, slightly unnatural lighting—the better to see our stars' faces with—and a bold, bubbly color palette. Well, add your conception of "low budget" to that combo, and you have I Hate Valentine's Day's visual aesthetic, which tries to emulate the look of more expensive rom-coms, but has a distinctly "made for TV" appearance. That said, this 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer makes the most of the film's meager budget, with a look that's surprisingly sharp and appropriately colorful. Overall clarity is better than expected, with texture amply evident in the actors' clothing, while faces display a good deal of fine detail. Unsurprisingly, red figures prominently in the pleasantly saturated color scheme, but blues and purples also stand out nicely. Black levels are adequately deep as well—with good shadow delineation—and contrast is tight. Topping off the image is a warm and thin speckling of grain, which only spikes during a few wide "New York cityscape" shots that are obviously stock footage. Aside from some minor brightness flickering—occasionally apparent when a character is against a flat, solid color background—I didn't notice any overt transfer issues or compression- related problems. This might not be the prettiest Valentine's Day card that was sent to Blu-ray this year, but it's the thought that counts.

I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

I have no idea what kind of overlap exists between hardcore audiophiles and people who will like this film—I imagine it's an ultra-small demographic—but I'm sure that there are a handful of people out there who are severely disappointed that I Hate Valentine's Day arrives on Blu-ray without a lossless audio track. To be fair, though, the film's Dolby Digital 5.1 surround mix isn't bad, especially considering the fact that this is a low-budget romantic comedy, a genre that isn't exactly renowned for boisterous audio mixes. As you might expect, this is mostly a front-heavy, dialogue- driven experience, but I have to give the film credit for keeping the surround channels surprisingly active. You'll hear patron chatter and the clamor of forks on plates in a lunch diner, for instance, and anytime the characters are outside, traffic moves quietly through the rear speakers. Music often fills out the soundfield as well, although the score, if you can call it that, is dippier than undercooked eggs. Most importantly, the dialogue—inane though it may be—comes through cleanly and naturally. Could a lossless audio track improve anything here? Marginally, sure, but I didn't feel like I was missing anything vital.

I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Commentary by Nia Vardalos and Producers Jason Shuman and William Sherak
Though I have a hard time recommending anyone watch the film again, Vardalos and her producers deliver a brisk, cheerful track that's actually fairly interesting when they discuss the practical ins and outs of obtaining funding for an independent rom-com. It's certainly not essential listening, but if you do enjoy the film, you'll probably enjoy hearing Vardalos talk about it.

Trailer (1080p, 2:05)

I Hate Valentine's Day Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Valentine's Day has come and gone, and I Hate Valentine's Day will likely find its way to the bargain bins and dusty back shelves of rental chains and retail stores nationwide. The only reason to rescue a copy from the film's imminent obscurity is if you're a long-time Nia Vardalos fan who collects everything the Grecian comedienne puts out, whether it's good or not. Otherwise, steer clear.