Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		3.0
Audio		5.0
Extras		3.0
Overall		2.0

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Dr. Svet Atanasov May 22, 2019

Dirk Campbell's "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" (1990) arrives on Blu-ray courtesy of Kino Lorber. The supplemental features on the disc include a newly remastered trailer for the film; audio commentary with director Dirk Campbell, writers John Wolskel and Mycal Miller, and actor Alan Frank; and featurettes. In English, with optional English SDH subtitles for the main feature. Region-A "locked".

Bad bike

Dirk Campbell’s directorial debut, I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle, is the worst film that I have seen this year. It is a genuine turkey that wants to look cool and campy while rehashing all sorts of overused clichés, but nothing in it works as it should.

The basic concept behind the film comes from Juraj Herz’s wicked thriller Ferat Vampire, only here the fancy racing car is replaced with a fancy motorcycle. This motorcycle comes alive when a gang of naughty bikers attack another gang of Satanists, crush their leader, and before he transitions to the other side some infected blood is leaked in its tank. Soon after, the slightly geeky courier Noddy (Neil Morrisey) acquires the bike and while spending time with it he and his girlfriend slowly begin to realize that there is something that lives inside it -- something very evil and obsessed with blood. The bike then routinely goes out at night -- how goofy is this? -- and targets the members of the gang that wiped out the Satanists. Some of Noddy’s pals also have unexpected encounters with it, and the most rational ones are taken for a different kind of ride. Eventually, Noddy seeks help from an amateurish exorcist, but the thing in the bike decides to fight back.

There isn’t a single serious problem that makes this film intolerable, there are so many that it is a lot easier to list the few things that seem decent enough for the type of genre fun that Campbell wants to sell to the audience. For example, the executions of the bikers can be rather entertaining, especially early into the film when they are clueless and the bike annoys them before it kills them. Then there are a few exchanges that almost convince that once the mayhem is well underway, there will be plenty of dark humor to make the goofy look attractive.

But that’s it. As soon as the bike begins going out at night, the film gets clogged up with some utterly ridiculous ‘surprises’ that kill off the emerging atmosphere and begin highlighting weak character transformations. Then right in the middle of these transformations the film creates random situations that are supposed to work for a few good laughs, but the dark humor is so dry that it instantly evaporates and nothing exciting ever happens. The whole thing is just really, really odd.

The casting choices are equally atrocious. A lot of the actors that play the bikers, for instance, look as if they have been picked up from a pub just hours before Campbell and his crew started shooting and told to go with the flow. Unsurprisingly, when they begin following their instincts, it is painful to watch. Also, Anthony Daniels does not look like someone who has ever been near a cross or a bible, so his encounter with the naughty vampire is yet another endurance test.

The special effects look cheap in a bad kind of way, though there is one particular sequence where one of the annoying guys gets pinned to a wall that is decent. Still, there is too much amateur material that is awfully difficult to swallow.

Kino Video’s Blu-ray release of I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is sourced from a recent 4K remaster of the film.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Presented in its original aspect ratio of 1.85, encoded with MPEG-4 AVC and granted a 1080p transfer, Dirk Campbell's I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle arrives on Blu-ray courtesy of Kino Lorber.

The release is sourced from a recent 4K remaster of the film. However, while much of the nicely-lit footage can look quite attractive, the darker/nighttime footage routinely struggles with softness and flatness. It is difficult for me to tell exactly why, but I see that the grain tends to collapse and evolve into noise, and when it happens a lot of nuances and fine details are lost. There is some crushing as well, but it is not the major factor that contributes to the anomalies that I mention above. It is likely the less-than-optimal encoding, plus some of the more unique lighting that exacerbates the fluctuations. The color grading is convincing. Image stability is excellent and the film looks very healthy. (Note: This is a Region-A "locked" Blu-ray release. Therefore, you must have a native Region-A or Region-Free player in order to access its content).

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

There is only one standard audio track on this Blu-ray release: English DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0.Optional English SDH subtitles are provided for the main feature.

There are no technical issues to report in our review. The dialog is stable, clean, and easy to follow. When the bike attacks its targets, there is also some good dynamic intensity. However, it is still easy to tell that the filmmakers worked with a small budget because the native sound design is quite modest.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Trailer - newly remastered original trailer for I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle. In English, not subtitled. (3 min, 1080p).

• Vampire's Lair - a quick visit to the vampire's lair and look at the 'monster'. In English, not subtitled. (4 min, 480/60i).

• We Made a Vampire Motorcycle - this documentary focuses on the production history of the film featuring interviews with some of the people that made it. In English, not subtitled. (41 min, 480/60i).

• Where Are They Now - this featurette tracks down some of the 'stars' that made the film. In English, not subtitled. (4 min, 480/60i).

• Commentary - audio commentary featuring director Dirk Campbell, writers John Wolskel and Mycal Miller, and actor Alan Frank.

• Cover - reversible cover with vintage poster art.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

I barely reached the final credits of I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle. It is supposed to be a dark comedy, but I found it so boring and so amateurishly made I can comfortably say that it is the worst film that I have seen in quite some time. This recent release is sourced from a new 4K remaster, but I think that ideally the film could look quite a bit better in high-definition.