Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		3.5
Audio		2.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		1.5

House of Cruel Dolls Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Jeffrey Kauffman April 30, 2021

If, as you watch House of Cruel Dolls, you have the odd, discomfiting feeling that something doesn't quite belong (other than perhaps you), it might be because, as the back cover of this release discloses, a whole unrelated film was "shoehorned" into the proceedings, with a kind of crazy quilt effect resulting. The main "plot" of House of Cruel Dolls (if it's conceded that House of Cruel Dolls actually has a plot) concerns a bevy of allegedly beautiful young women who have been forced into the sex trafficking trade, and who are being held in a kind of hilariously rustic bordello that is evidently out in the middle of nowhere. The second major aspect of the film involves a kinda sorta secret agent obviously in the James Bond mold, in footage that was evidently lifted whole cloth from a little remembered effort called Agente Sigma 3 - Missione Goldwather , a film which is so little remembered it's not even in our database. This aspect involves a spy named Marc Roberts (Jack Taylor), who is supposedly trying to break the sex trafficking ring. The disconnect between these two elements is kind of hilariously less jarring than you might think, if only because virtually every frame of House of Cruel Dolls makes little to no sense, so they frankly could have interpolated Citizen Kane to much the same effect (and, yes, that's a joke).

If he didn't have his own relatively lengthy list of credits on the IMDb, it might not be that far fetched if some viewers came to the conclusion that this film's credited director Pierre Chevalier was simply one of many pseudonyms used by Jess Franco, since this film has the same sort of Franco-esque obsession with both naked women and nonsensical narratives. In that regard, it's kind of hilarious that Franco is actually on hand as one of the screenwriters, albeit using one of his many "alter ego" monikers. House of Cruel Dolls has an opening scene in the titular house of ill repute, where a number of kind of surprisingly elderly men paw young and fully frontally nude women. A young "working girl" named Yvette (Magda Mundari) is summoned to service a regular client, Mr. Gaston (Raymond Schettino), but rather surprisingly (and for one of the few times in this film), sex does not follow, as it turns out that Gaston is truly in love with Yvette and wants her to elope with him, or something like that. Yvette of course insists she's a prisoner there and has nowhere to go, anyway, something complicated by the fact that she also has no money, but Gaston assures her everything will be fine, and the two hightail it out of the place, with one of the madam's henchman giving fitful chase and firing a few bullets in their general direction.

One of the first big (unintentional) laughs of House of Cruel Dolls then occurs when the two very slowly pull away from danger in one of those boat like mid-seventies Chevrolet, which is seen bouncing down what might charitably be called "unimproved" roadways. After almost comically slogging along dirt roads at what looks to be less than walking speed, Gaston suggests the two stop "for a rest", which is when the "real" sex starts to happen (all of the sexual interludes in this film, which, aside from this instance, often feature assault elements, seem to be of the soft core variety). The way the scene is staged, there's a clear indication being given that Gaston and Yvette are about to be set upon by the bad guys, but as with so much else in House of Cruel Dolls, nothing in fact happens, and the film just segues on to a police station, where Yvette details how she became a sex slave. (Moral for those interested: don't hitchhike.)

The "secret agent" aspect just kind of shows up willy nilly and ultimately involves a character named Magda (Sandra Julien), which, considering the fact that Magda Mundari is featured, probably gives the film even more confusion. The result is about what you'd expect, with lots of rape scenes which are so ham handed they may actually provoke laughter, despite the serious subtext, and just goofy as all get out "spy shenanigans" that are shall we say less than artfully woven into the general proceedings.

House of Cruel Dolls Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

House of Cruel Dolls is presented on Blu-ray courtesy of Full Moon Features as part of their "Eurocine Collection" with an AVC encoded 1080p transfer in 1.85:1. The back cover of this release states that this transfer is "fully uncut and remastered from the original negative". There's a somewhat "peachy" or yellow tint to much of this presentation which may be discernable in some of the screenshots accompanying this review, but generally speaking the palette pops rather well throughout. Reds in particular can look rather vivid a lot of the time. While detail levels are fairly variable, in some close-ups they're rather good, with commendable fine detail levels (look at the woven sweater in screenshot 7 for one example). Contrast is a little anemic, and perhaps due at least in part to the yellowish quality, blacks can be on the milky, washed out, side at times. While there is grain on display, this has a somewhat soft, filtered look on occasion.

House of Cruel Dolls Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

House of Cruel Dolls features only two lossy Dolby Digital tracks, in either 2.0 Mono or 5.1. I toggled back and forth between the two as I watched and I have to say I personally didn't notice a whale of a lot of difference between them. The surround track may arguably slightly open up some of the effects and score, but is not going to set anyone's audiophile ears on fire. The biggest issue with the track, and one that is inherent to the source, is some really bad dubbing, which frequently has the male voice actors in particular grunting their lines in a kind of guttural way that actually makes them hard to understand at times, something that is exacerbated by the fact that this release does not offer any subtitles. As always with my reviews, part of my score is based on my firm belief that Blu-ray discs should have at least one lossless audio option available.

House of Cruel Dolls Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Euro Cult Trailers includes:

  House of Cruel Dolls (HD; 1:51)

  
  

  Naked Girl Murdered in the Park (HD; 1:28)

  
  

  Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun (HD; 2:37)

  
  

  Sexy Sisters (HD; 1:02) actually features the title Satanic Sisters in the trailer itself.

  
  

  Voodoo Passion (HD; 00:56)

  
  

  Women in Cellblock 9 (HD; 1:00)

House of Cruel Dolls Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

If you maybe define "Eurocine" as "Eurotrash" you'll have a pretty good idea of what to expect here. The attempt to stuff an unrelated film into what was already a pretty messy enterprise only ends up making everything chaotic, and the sex scenes are less titillating than they are laughable, despite the fact that so many of them feature assault aspects. Technical merits are okay if improvable (video) to definitely improvable (audio), for those who are considering purchase.