Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		2.5
Audio		3.0
Extras		0.5
Overall		0.5

House Broken Blu-ray Movie Review

Broken, in nearly every way imaginable.

Reviewed by Casey Broadwater May 24, 2010

I’ve sat through some tedious dreck this year—soppy romantic comedies, brainless teen gross-out sex farces, scare-free, style over substance horror films—but nothing prepared me for the unremitting awfulness that is House Broken. Judging by the cover art, the film looks bad, but not bad bad, just, well, standard issue straight to home video schlock. You’ve got Danny DeVito positioned prominently beneath the title—okay, I can appreciate It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia—you’ve got a ditzy-looking cheerleader, a sexy-with-glasses type, and then you’ve got the two goofy-ass dudes on the couch. It looks like the kind of film that languishes on Blockbuster shelves, unrented, the kind of movie you’d pick out of a bargain bin and, after reading the synopsis on the back, toss it back in. But it doesn’t look eye-gougingly terrible, an irredeemable mess from start to finish. Oh, but it is. House Broken is the cinematic equivalent of a pick-ax lobotomy—it’s crude, ill-executed, and leaves you in a brain-dead stupor.

Two brothers, a couch, and a hock of ham.

For films like this, I just want to write a three-word review in 72 pt. all-caps: DO NOT WATCH. House Broken isn’t worth four paragraphs of critical dissection. It defies logical discussion. It resists intelligent commentary. It makes me want to watch a good film, just to have cinematic palate cleanser. Attempting to write about House Broken, in any meaningful way, is as pointless a venture as hiring a book critic to write a review of the ingredient list on the side of a cereal box. Only, this hypothetical cereal critic would have a lot more fun reading about bleached flour and sodium lauryl sulfate and daily fiber percentages that I did zoning out to the juvenile “comedy” of House Broken.

Okay, to be fair, I should give you some clue as to what the film is about. So, you know those Cheaper by the Dozen movies, the ones with Steve Martin slumming it as a dad of twelve, trying to teach life lessons to his kids but actually learning life lessons from them? Screenwriter Sam Harper wrote those, and for his directorial debut, he decided to write a story that bizarrely combines that kind of family morality with boner jokes, dildo gags, and generally filthy comedy. DeVito plays Captain Cathkart, a recently retired fireman who thinks it’s high time that his lazy- ass, mamas boys sons move out of the house. Instead of asking them to do so, or discussing it with them in any way, shape, or form, he decides to play a monumental prank. Basically, he kidnaps his wife (Katey Sagal, best known as John Locke’s girlfriend on Lost) to keep her from getting involved, wires the house with security cameras, removes all food from the premises, and flees for the countryside in his RV, leaving his two idiot progeny to fend for themselves. This is, of course, his way of teaching them responsibility—which they duly learn in time for an ending that’s much too cloying and sweet for a film that features a sleeping brother getting poked in the face with an enormous rubber penis. Before that though—before they learn responsibility, I mean, not the bit with the penis—the two brothers wreak all kinds of havoc trying to live on their own.

Ryan Hansen and Skyler Stone are the brothers, Eliot and Quinn, and though they’re meant to be playing guys in their 20s, they act like twelve year olds with ADHD. And to put it very bluntly, they just aren’t funny. Not at all. But I don’t blame them, entirely. They’re working from a hackneyed script that’s utterly devoid of originality. Thinking of House Broken as a painfully cringe- worthy version of Step Brothers will get you on the right track. The brothers don’t want to block their “creative mojo” by getting regular jobs, so they live at home and envision themselves as filmmakers, making parodies for YouTube. (We see them covered in shit-colored paint for The Poo Man Group, see the screenshot below.) Once dad vacates the premises, their attempts to make it in the real word provide the set-ups for a non-stop string of stupid scenarios. To make money, they take in a lodger (Caitlin Crosby) who’s taking massage classes. One brother ends up humping her massage dummy. A middle-aged divorcee moves in; he’s got a pet snake named The Cock. Laundry gets done in a kiddy pool. A leaf blower is used to clean the kitchen. There’s a STOMP-inspired dance sequence at the Department of Water and Power. A stereotypical gay friend with an incontinent dog. A slutty cheerleader. Gratuitous boob. Does any of this sound funny? Entertaining? Worth your time? If it does, I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to misrepresent the film. Normally, at this point in the review, I'd launch into the specifics of the acting, the handling of the plotting, the pacing, etc., but there's no use in me making an endless list of negatives. You wouldn't want to read it. It would be depressing. I can't think of a single positive thing to say about House Broken, so I'm going to call it quits here. If you made it this far in the review, I praise your endurance. May it never be tested by the likes of House Broken.

House Broken Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

House Broken looks every bit of its miniscule budget on Blu-ray, with a 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer that's soft, blandly colored, and generally unimpressive. I haven't been able to verify, but it looks to me as if the film was shot on 16mm, as the image has nowhere near the resolution you'd expect from 35mm. In tight close-ups you can make out some fine detail—see the screenshot of Danny Devito below—but the picture, while passable as high definition, rarely looks crisp or resolved. Color reproduction is unremarkable, exhibiting all the dimness and dullness that are the hallmarks of low-rent lighting. Black levels are somewhat inconsistent, occasionally crushing shadow detail and often taking on a hazy, deep grayish quality. The film definitely looks best during the outdoor scenes, as the darker indoor sequences are given to spikes of graininess and noise. There are also a few white specks on the print, but nothing overtly distracting. Overall, I can't fault the film for the limitations of its budget, but no one is going to be objectively impressed by the picture quality here.

House Broken Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

A little better is the film's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track, which gets the job done admirably, all things considered. Like most comedies, the emphasis here is on the dialogue, which comes through cleanly despite a few instances of mild muffling and clipping. The surround channels are frequently filled with guitar-heavy music that packs the film's biggest sonic wallop, with decent low-end response and strong crunchy clarity. Seriously, this movie is set to non-stop riffing. There's also a surprising amount of ambience coming from the rears, with airy outdoorsy noises and other sounds, like crickets, traffic, a distant siren. It's not exactly immersive, but I definitely appreciate the sound designers' efforts.

House Broken Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Dance Rehearsal with Introduction by Director Sam Harper (SD, 2:31)
"It's mostly a broad comedy," says Sam Harper, who then goes on to explain that he wanted to have one scene that a "celebration of life." Alright. After that we get to see the actors rehearse the "STOMP" sequence.

Interviews (SD, 4:34 and 11:39)
We get two interviews here. In the first, director Sam Harper attempts to explain the film, and in the second, actor Tom Wilson goofs off and tries to improvise some comedy.

Trailer (SD, 2:20)

House Broken Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

House Broken joins some illustrious company—Crazy on the Outside, Freeway Killer, I Hate Valentine's Day, Serious Moonlight—on my shortlist for worst film of year. Crass, idiotic, and just plain irredeemably awful, this is the kind of movie I wouldn't wish on anyone. Stay away, stay far far away.