Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		2.5
Audio		2.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		2.0

Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie Review

Reviewed by Brian Orndorf March 15, 2016

While it wasn’t the biggest hit to emerge during the teen cinema gold rush of the 1980s, “Hardbodies” is often singled out for its precise celebration of subgenre highlights. Its pay cable omnipresence is certainly to blame here, with the 1984 picture often taking over rotational duties in the evening after “The Beastmaster” reigned during the day. Out of all the vulgar, dim-bulb beach and party features that clogged multiplexes (and video store shelves) during the decade, the effort’s longevity is really no surprise, with co-screenwriter/director Mark Griffiths filling the movie with enough nudity and sexual high jinks to beguile his target audience, keeping “Hardbodies” eventful when it comes to R-rated encounters. The rest of the film doesn’t share the same excitement, slogging through paint-by-numbers writing that spectacularly fails to make wholly repulsive characters appealing in any way.

Arriving in Venice Beach for a special summer, fortysomething businessmen Ashby (Sorrells Pickard), Hunter (Gary Wood), and Rounder (Michael Rapport) are recently single and ready to play the field, targeting beach culture with hopes to sleep with as many young women as they can. Unfortunately, their game is pitiful, forcing the trio to turn to local beach bum Scotty (Grant Cramer) for help. A con man recently evicted from his home, Scotty takes the group’s financial offer, beginning to educate the men in “dialoguing” the opposite sex, using a “bigger and better deal” method to talk them into bed. Looking to teach the old guys a thing or two about seduction, Scotty has his own trials with girlfriend Krisi (Teal Roberts), unable to change his ways and commit as she explores other options. As the sexual revolution commences, the group experiences wild extremes in partners and experiences, chasing the elusive “hardbody” as they burn through beautiful women.

The title refers to perfect beach women, a common target for Scotty during his daily adventures with pal Rag (Courtney Gains), a fellow grifter who knows how to flip off his enemies in 47 languages. Scotty’s an expert when it comes to talking his way in and out of trouble, but he’s stuck in a particular pickle when he’s forced out of his home, finding help from the newer, older residents in town, who are desperate to learn how to charm young women. The plot for “Hardbodies” is basic foolishness, showcasing a generation gap as the businessmen attempt to bed beach girls half their age, following Scotty’s lead with well-rehearsed lines and gamesmanship, creating a prototype for “The Game,” using predatory instincts to attract the opposite sex.

There’s little seasoning to the writing, which favors broad antics under the sun, detailing botched jogging encounters and skateboard slapstick to underline the older men and their unshakable haplessness. There are also a few montages to smooth out the viewing experience, watching Hunter, Ashby, and Rounder experience a make-over to increase their outward appeal, and they’re aggressive with their coming out party, hitting up local hotspots to test their newfound “dialogue” abilities, growing in success with every attempt. It’s all pop music and silent comedy tributes for Griffiths, who does what he can with crude characterizations (Rounder is the requisite always-eating fat guy), also keeping Scotty’s subplot with Kristi in play, trying to secure them as a romantic couple looking to commit to each other, only stymied by the young man’s insistence that life is best lived developing as many lies as possible.

It’s bizarre to watch “Hardbodies” insist that Scotty is appealing, especially after viewing the character delight in his manipulations. The older men are equally creepy, with Hunter a particular demon, evolving from a clueless hornball to a borderline rapist (don’t worry, the picture eventually gets around to blaming the woman for tempting him into action), trying to find conflict in the strangest of places. With so many unlikable people around (even Kristi, who just can’t quit her openly duplicitous man), it takes considerable work to find anything appealing about “Hardbodies.” Griffiths works to perk the effort up with party sequences, beach chases, and assorted tomfoolery, and there’s a substantial amount of nudity to successfully numb the viewing experience, keeping clothing more of a suggestion than a rule. Bawdy scenes aren’t classy by any means, but they find the base appeal of the movie, which seems to exist only to ogle bare breasts. In terms of these limited creative goals, Griffiths is incredibly successful with his debut feature.

Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The AVC encoded image (1.78:1 aspect ratio) presentation doesn't showcase a fresh scan, with age apparent throughout the viewing event. Colors are largely unremarkable, displaying noticeable fade, unable to bring out naturally vibrant beach life hues. Skintones are on the flat side. Detail is soft, failing to pull any texture out of costuming and characters. Inherent cinematographic limitations also dilute image quality. Delineation isn't precise, showing solidification with evening sequences. Source doesn't encounter any major damage issues.

Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The 2.0 Dolby Digital sound mix doesn't emerge with a satisfying clarity that might boost the picture's appeal. Music offers the most power, with performance sequences the most alert in the movie, delivering a degree of rock and roll thump. Dialogue exchanges are basically functional, capturing a range of reactions, but nothing's remarkable, lacking precision. Atmospherics are busy with party sequences and beach visits, but these events also lack crisp appeal, sounding muddy at times.

Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

There is no supplementary material on this disc.

Hardbodies Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

"Hardbodies" really should be more fun, but it doesn't have a killer instinct when it comes to jokes, preferring softball humor to connect with its audience. A climatic party sequence is emblematic of the picture's troubles, trying to merge excessive slapstick and snowballing incidents with matters of the heart, under the illusion that audiences are emotionally invested in these caricatures. There are a few positives along the way, including an early peek at the hair metal band Vixen, who appear as struggling group Diaper Rash, faced with a possible career boost when Scotty scores them a gig playing at a bodybuilding expo (don't look at me, I didn't write this movie). And beach life is generally cared for, with Griffiths keeping his cameras on oiled bodies and constant sidewalk activity, finding the bustle of the area, while a late-inning jet ski chase is entertaining, finally adding a bit of action to break up the routine of lecherous behavior. For a film that's teeming with golden bodies and prolonged silliness, "Hardbodies" is unexpectedly difficult to sit through, mistaking its lethargic sense of humor and toxic characterization for premiere R-rated entertainment.