Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		3.0
Audio		3.0
Extras		1.0
Overall		1.5

Ghost Team One Blu-ray Movie Review

Please don't make 'Ghost Team Two.'

Reviewed by Martin Liebman December 14, 2013

If Ghost Team One had aspirations of being the best movie ever made and wanted to achieve that goal in its current form, it would have to exist a universe where it was the only movie ever made, its competition being nothing, nada, zilch, zero, a big empty void where rows of movies never were. Fortunately, the film has no such aspirations. In fact, it has no aspirations, except, maybe, to just ramble on about nothing while it's dressed up as a sex-fueled Parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. Judging it by its cover, it looks like a Being Human-wannabe made by amateurs. Judging by the content, it's bent on being an inhuman assault on the cinema medium, one of those movies that leaves such a bad taste in the mouth that one never, ever wants to even hear the word "movie" ever again, let alone gaze upon one, and especially one this rancid. A mostly directionless plot, miserably developed and singleminded characters, and an ending that's far too bizarre even for a movie of this style, it's hopefully just Ghost Team One-and-done and try to forget it ever happened.

Please! Make it stop!

Roommates Sergio (Carlos Santos) and Brad (J.R. Villarreal) can barely contain themselves. They're sexually super-charged and ready to bed pretty much anyone who's different than they between the legs. One night, during a happening house party, Sergio believes he encounters a ghost. The next morning, Brad doesn't take his visibly shaken roommate seriously, but when party leftover Fernanda (Fernanda Romero) reveals her interest in ghosts -- she's seen hundreds of them, she claims -- the boys smell an opportunity to score and dive headfirst into their investigation with the lovely lady at their side. They learn that their house has a sordid history, that several deaths have occurred there and that it was once home to a notorious madam named Lady Azalea. As they attempt to contact Azalea, they come to learn the secrets of the house, Fernanda's real story, and the truths behind their awkward and long-sober roommate Chuck (Tony Cavalero).

Sort of like pig and elephant DNA just won't splice, sex-craved teenagers and ghosts don't mix well, either, and when some mad scientist does manage to bring them together, the result is unfortunately the cinema equivalent of shovel ware, a movie so aimless and without purpose it's almost difficult to accept that it actually exists, and exists with a major studio behind it. The plot is barely coherent as the film is much more focused on spitting out as much profanity, sexual innuendo, and sex talk as it cram into its 90-minute runtime. Then again, sex is the story that nearly every moment revolves around it in some way, shape, or form. Credit the movie for sticking to its guns for the duration, even if those guns are shooting blanks.

The real problem isn't just that singular focus but the almost disturbing absence of legitimate humor and scares. It's never quite clear how much of a "scare" factor the film wishes to achieve, but unless the answer is "zero" it doesn't do its job. On the other hand, the potty-mouthed humor will admittedly probably hit right where it's aiming if the proper audience is watching. Most casual viewers, however, will be hard-pressed to find more than few moments that engender a slight chuckle, and even that might rightly be considered a success. Most, however, will likely find the movie absent anything even remotely humorous, in part because all of these sex jokes have been done far, far better elsewhere and because the support elements don't do a thing to prop up the humor and make it stand apart. Instead, the movie just feels like it's been through the blender, its ingredients beaten together to the point of becoming unrecognizable and, certainly, unfunny.

In the film's defense, it's obviously working on a shoestring budget, less, even, it would seem, than any of the real Paranormal Activity movies, but budget isn't the only factor in making a good movie. Here, everything feels rushed and subpar, from the acting -- which can range from acceptable to atrocious -- to the poor attempt at creating that "you are there" style of guerrilla filmmaking. At least the picture spares its audience of the dreaded "found footage" schtick, instead passing off cameraman "Billy" as a character whose job it is to film the story. Ghost Team One does do a rather good job at making the audience forget about the cameraman entirely (he's never seen), whether that was its intent or not. But even as an "amateur" film, it feels too forced and too flat to work beyond serving as an example of how not to make these sorts of things. The picture does also forego the dreaded influx of random popular culture riffs that are so popular in the genre these days, but maybe a random Lady Gaga or something would have broken up the monotony.

Ghost Team One Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Ghost Team One's high definition transfer is sourced from material that takes on a budget, lower-end feel. The opening moments seen through the helmet-mounted camera show a good deal of noise, sloppy details, and unimpressive colors. Things tighten up once "Billy" arrives to take over filming duties. While the image still takes on a "prosumer"-grade appearance, it offers suitably revealing details, particularly on faces and objects around the house. Colors are nice enough, appearing even and balanced throughout. Black levels never stray too far from average, and flesh tones don't betray the characters. The image deliberately breaks up at times, but otherwise there are no major compression issues of note. For what it is, the transfer satisfies.

Ghost Team One Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Paramount's DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 lossless soundtrack for Ghost Team One sounds fine and even impresses in a few spots. The lower end production values don't allow for truly nuanced and detailed sound, but the track's basic needs are satisfied throughout. There is some nice bass to open and enjoyably deep, heavy beats at the early party sequence, but heavier "haunting" bass devolves into loud rumbles and rattles rather than maintain a tight and focused presence. There are a few quality background ambient effects, such as a steady rainfall in chapter four. Dialogue plays evenly and accurately from the center.

Ghost Team One Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Ghost Team One contains a few throwaway supplements.

• Deleted/Extended Scenes (HD, 13:35).
• Chuck's Video Diary (HD, 7:09): Chuck's "clean life" video diary.
• Bloopers (HD, 3:03).
• Behind the Scenes (HD, 6:23): Chanel the dog's chronicle of the making of the movie.
• Digital Copy: One code for UV or PC is included.

Ghost Team One Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Ghost Team One: absent humor and short even a single scare. This is one-track-mind filmmaking at its worst, a picture that feels like it was made in about a day and mostly on the fly. It's not fun, not memorable, and certainly not worth watching again, let alone once. Paramount's Blu-ray release of Ghost Team One features acceptable video and audio. A few throwaway extras are included. Stay far away.