Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.0
Video		2.5
Audio		1.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		1.5

Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie Review

GIGO.

Reviewed by Martin Liebman April 8, 2011

Galaxina and The Crater Lake Monster, a pair of lame-o B-grade drive-in movies with no real redeeming value save for a claim of possible cult status, arrive on Blu-ray courtesy of Mill Creek Entertainment with no hoopla and no real incentive to buy save for a bargain-basement price. The films are rubbish, to be kind -- Galaxina is far and away the worse of the two, while Crater Lake lumbers on by as just another low-grade nothing of a movie that passes the sniff test but does nothing more -- and the Blu-ray releases, too, are nothing to write home about. Bad-to-fair video, fair-to-bad audio, and no supplements make the movies themselves the only real reason to buy, but for about the price of a single movie ticket to go see an example of modern Hollywood fair at the local multiplex, most of such movies being only slicker but not necessarily better, this two-fer of junk titles rushed to Blu-ray suddenly isn't such a bad deal.

The Crater Lake Monster bangs its head against the wall over the quality of this release.

Galaxina
Rating: 0/5

Joy and yummies.

In the year 3008, space travel has become commonplace, so commonplace, in fact, that billboards advertising soft drinks and brothels housing alien hookers dot the landscapes of asteroids all across the galaxy. Suffice it to say, it's getting crowded up there, and the Intergalactic Federation, in its infinite wisdom no doubt, has created an interstellar police force to bring law and order to the heavens. Aboard police cruiser 308 -- dubbed "The Infinity" -- the intrepid Captain Cornelius Butt (Avery Schreiber) leads a band of misfit ne'er-do-well's approaching the end of their seven-year mission. When the crew receives orders to track down an interstellar bandit who has come into possession of the mythical Blue Star -- it's the key to great wealth, supposedly -- they enter a decades-long stasis sleep, leaving only the curvaceous android Galaxina (Dorothy Stratten) to oversee ship's operations. In her downtime, she develops emotions and falls for one of her shipmates (Stephen Macht) before having to brave an old west-inspired alien world to retrieve the Blue Star and restore order to a chaotic universe.

No, that's not a typo above. Galaxina's 0/5 score can't even begin to describe what an utter disaster of a movie this is. As a Parody of Science Fiction, it's a complete failure; leave that to Spaceballs and Galaxy Quest. As a straight Science Fiction picture with a Western-inspired third act, it's so bad it doesn't even manage the honor of being labeled a "watchable train wreck;" leave that oddball combination to Serenity. This is just garbage cinema at its absolute worst, a movie with a miserable sense of humor -- doubly bad since it's trying to be funny -- an awful pace; a plot that's barely coherent; and worst of all, it's just plain boring. This is the sort of movie one wouldn't even wish upon his worst enemy. Drive-in fodder of the worst kind and a Star Wars rip-off that makes Starcrash look like a picture that could sweep the Oscars, Galaxina is a woeful waste of celluloid that may very well be "the worst movie of all time." Capped off by miserably-written characters, unfunny jokes, bargain-basement special effects, editing that barely keeps the movie together, some of the worst acting ever captured on film, and an ultra low-budget look that tries for future slick and curvaceous but that just looks cheap and rushed, "worst movie of all time" is indeed a strong possibility. There's not a single positive in the entire film, save, maybe, for the graciousness of the director and editor to let this thing run "only" a miserable 94 minutes rather than waste anyone's time with a second more of this rubbish.

The Crater Lake Monster
Rating: 2/5

This is a living creature from the prehistoric past.

At California's High Peak Mine, scientists have just made a breakthrough discovery that could very well shake up prehistoric history as man knows it. The old Indian cavern still bears the markings of an ancient depiction of men fighting off dinosaurs, a drawing that promises to forever alter historical timelines and rewrite history. Little do the scientists know that a crashed meteor just a bit aways will lead to a much more amazing -- but unfortunately deadly -- discovery. As people begin turning up dead and someone -- or something -- terrorizes the area, the locals go on the hunt and soon realize they are up against more than a crazy man or a large animal: they come face to face with a dinosaur! The sudden appearance of the Plesiosaur brings with it as much mayhem as it does scientific curiosity; will the safety of the citizens see the monster killed, or will science prevail and allow the deadly beast to live?

There's not a movie out there that's a more fitting dictionary definition of the bad drive-in B-movie than The Crater Lake Monster. Cheesy to the highest degree but not really poorly made, the movie is a second-class time killer like no other, a picture that's as stale as they come but not absent a fair bit of bad movie charm that carries it through some ridiculously dull stretches, which constitute the vast majority of the runtime. There's almost no plot -- most of the movie centers around a few bumbling characters stumbling through the movie with no real direction -- and the action sequences last all of a minute or so, combined, including a terribly dull and anticlimactic finale, though whether it can really be "anticlimactic" when there's nothing really of note leading up to it is perhaps the film's greatest mystery. Although the special claymation effects are solid if not grossly underutilized, the picture suffers through awfully choppy editing, generic music cues, a lame and meandering script, and laughably bad acting, but at least the actors seem to have a wee bit of fun with the thing. Basically, The Crater Lake Monster follows B-Monster movie formula to the core; it's very similar to Dinoshark, for instance, in that it features a core group of characters chasing around the monster while a few random people are introduced into the plot, but only for the purpose of being killed off a few minutes later. It's all in good fun; while it can be a tedious and tiresome movie, The Crater Lake Monster still has appeal as a textbook B-level Monster movie, making it a must-see for connoisseurs of second-class cinema.

Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Galaxina
Rating: 1.5/5

Galaxina's 1080p Blu-ray transfer looks just about as expected. Suffice it to say there's been no re-mastering effort, and the results are typical of a no-budget clunker landing on Blu-ray and sharing a 25GB release with another feature-length film. While Galaxina has a few moments of high-definition decency, most of the image appears subpar at best and disastrous at worst. Most every frame is littered with an incredible amount of scratches, splotches, pops, nicks, hairs, whatever. The image is generally faded, with dull colors and no vibrancy. In fact, the Western-themed third act that's inexplicably awash in an ugly orange filter is about the image's only real opportunity to showcase even a hint of life. On the flip side, blacks can be fine, sometimes appearing too dark, at others looking washed out, and almost always alive with a field of ugly background noise, but there's a balance and a middle ground that accompanies most of the movie. Detail is fair at best and almost nonexistent at worst. The image is fairly soft to begin with and softer still in select scenes to the point that it looks like the print was smothered in a thick goo. Detail suffers in such instances, but here and there a facial texture, alien make-up, or the like shines through with passable quality. Overall, Galaxina looks way better than the movie deserves; that said, a blank screen probably would have been an improvement.

The Crater Lake Monster
Rating: 3.5/5

The Crater Lake Monster looks quite good on Blu-ray, despite appearing in 1080i. Sure, there are plenty of random speckles, spots, pops, scratches and what almost looks like splotches where someone spilled his or her drink on the film, but generally these are only moderately intrusive and, frankly, add something of a throwback drive-in charm to the presentation. It works well because the transfer is also home to some surprisingly good detailing and colors. Viewers will be amazed at how steady the image appears in high definition and how well various textures are handled, whether clothing stitches, the rock faces of the mine as seen in the beginning of the movie, old wooden booths inside a restaurant, or any other number of nicely-detailed objects. Colors, too, are many and quite vibrant; reds, greens, and blues all appear to leap off the screen with boldness. Blacks and flesh tones are decent enough, and while some backgrounds can get a bit blocky, the end result isn't enough to too drastically damage one's enjoyment of this high definition image. The Crater Lake Monster certainly isn't going to walk away with "transfer of the year" honors, but it's a pleasant budget transfer and, frankly, far better than even some releases of bigger films by larger studios.

Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Galaxina
Rating: 2/5

Galaxina plops onto Blu-ray with a trio of equally bland soundtrack options, all listed in the technical specifications above. The DTS track was the primary playback source; it delivers what sounds like a slight bit more heft than either of the two additional options, but none stand head-and-shoulders above the others. The tracks obviously try very hard, but the source isn't exactly a pristine and finely-engineered sound extravaganza. It's instead crunchy, absent much in terms of clarity, and never at all immersive or spacious. General sound effects are muffled but clear enough to be able to tell the difference between a laser blast and an explosion, but this is hardly the definition of sonic excellence. Dialogue reproduction is fair, but it can and does get lost under music and effects, notably during the alien brothel sequence in chapter six.

The Crater Lake Monster
Rating: 1/5

For as "good" as its video may be, The Crater Lake Monster's trio of soundtracks (yes, the same three as that accompany Galaxina) all deliver a terribly inept, barely-coherent listening experience. This is the very definition of a no-budget, cobbled-together, poorly-edited, barely-acceptable sort of soundtrack. Music and sound effects are crunchy -- harsh, even -- with absolutely no sense of space; indeed, most of the action stays focused straight up the middle front portion of the listening area. Dialogue is barely there, sounding extra-tinny and hollow with most every word. Forget about clarity, atmospherics, LFE, and the like. Still, as with the video, there's an odd charm to the thing. It sounds miserable, but in a way it completes the cheap drive-in experience.

Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

No extras are included.

Galaxina / The Crater Lake Monster Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Other than the price, there's no real reason to pick this up. Fans of either film will be disappointed one way or the other -- Galaxina boasts a passable soundtrack but yields a subpar transfer, while The Crater Lake Monster features solid video but awful audio -- and with no supplements at all, it seems that nobody is primed to make out on this deal. Still, there are worse ways to spend a few dollars; anyone not concerned with A/V quality and who instead only wants to laugh at a couple of bad movies should go ahead and buy, as should fans of either or both films, but otherwise, there's no need to purchase. For most, the recommendation is to pass on this one.