Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		3.0
Audio		3.5
Extras		0.0
Overall		1.5

Firewalker Blu-ray Movie Review

Firewalker, Texas Ranger?

Reviewed by Jeffrey Kauffman April 30, 2015

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he does Earth downs.

Jesus may have been able to walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Superman and The Flash race to the end of the universe. Who won? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.

Chuck Norris jokes first entered my particular household a few years ago when my boys suddenly started spouting them off for no particular reason. While admittedly one of the stranger idioms to pop up in comedy over the past few years, a lot of the Norris punchlines, while outré, are undeniably hilarious. It’s possible that Firewalker was an early example of some sort of meta-Chuck Norris joke, but that would require a conspiracy theory of astounding proportions. Obviously cut from the same cloth as Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and Romancing the Stone, Firewalker is haphazard at best, offering an at times near incomprehensible screenplay and surprisingly chaotic direction by the usually reliable J. Lee Thompson (The Guns of Navarone).

Max Donigan (Chuck Norris) and Leo Porter (Lou Gossett) are soldiers of fortune who are first seen attempting to escape some badly stereotyped Arab types, as both the two buddies and their nemeses chase each other in a variety of dune buggies and similar vehicles across the vast expanse of some unidentified desert. Already a curiously inept round of camera placements and wonky framings alert the viewer to the fact that this is not going to be the most meticulously curated film ever made. The two ultimately crash in an oasis’ small pool of water, at which point they’re tied to stakes as an apparent arch villain named The General (Richard Lee-Sung) appears to taunt them, letting them know that within a couple of hours under the blazing sun, they’ll literally burn alive. Like any good arch villain, The General simply leaves the premises along with his henchmen at that point, but not before providing Max with a MacGyver-esque method for escaping their predicament. (Eagle eyed viewers may want to keep an eye on Gossett’s supposedly tied foot during this sequence—it’s “roaming free” long before Max supposedly cuts it out of its imprisonment).

The two hightail it back to America (in just one of several elisions this film makes, simply plopping the characters down in a new setting without much if any segue), where they’re next seen in a neighborhood bar where (of course) a pretty young woman named Patricia Goodwin (Melody Anderson) instantly walks in and asks the bartender if there are any adventurers sitting around needing work. It seems Patricia (who—for those who are “counting”—is never really properly introduced) has an ancient map to a secret temple full of gold, in what is a decidedly similar gambit to another 1986 ripoff of the Indiana Jones films, Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold). Just as suddenly as the guys were in the United States, they now (along with Patricia) are magically transported to a (fictional) South American locale where the hunt for treasure begins in earnest.

There’s a lot of quasi-mythological hoo-hah (a technical term) floating around Firewalker, as the trio attempts to track down a mysterious character known as El Coyote (Sonny Landham), who may be something of an immortal Aztec or Mayan (or something like that— the screenplay is almost maddeningly indecipherable at times). Of course there are a number of little escapades before the trio ever even gets to the supposed location of the treasure, with at least one segment, where an Indian woman attempts to kill Patricia, simply erupting into the film with absolutely no sense whatsoever (and—again for those who are “counting”—keep track of how this same woman just is magically “rescued” by another character in a development that narratively makes little sense).

Firewalker is at best something of an embarrassment, one which tries to eke out a modicum of bantering good humor in running gags like Max’s inability to correctly aim and fire a gun (something that Norris’ penchant for roundhouse kicks at least makes a bit less problematic). There’s a general air of chaos infusing this picture which suggests that perhaps the screenplay wasn’t deemed well crafted enough for the actors and director Thompson to follow to the letter. But even Thompson, a journeyman who actually managed to get an Academy Award nomination for The Guns of Navarone, doesn’t seem to know how to shape the largely inchoate material. Even from a purely technical standpoint, Thompson’s direction is surprisingly inept. That opening scene with the misframed chase sequences provides one example, but for those who stay tuned to the end of the film, watch the almost hilariously shaky helicopter shot of a restaurant the three main characters end up in. It appears that the poor copter is about to plunge into the sea at one point. That might have put it out of its misery, something some audience members might actually be considering for themselves at that point.

Firewalker Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Firewalker is presented on Blu-ray courtesy of Olive Films with an AVC encoded 1080p transfer in 1.85:1. While perfectly watchable within certain lo-fi expectations, this is a pretty rough looking presentation at times, one that is hobbled by some age related wear and tear to the elements but one which also seems to have been sourced from an older master (and one perhaps prepared during the DVD era at that). Grain is very heavy throughout the presentation and occasionally has a slightly digital appearance that may be due to artificial sharpening. Contrast and black levels are fairly anemic, and many of the dark sequences (like a couple set inside caves) suffer from inadequate shadow detail. Sharpness and clarity are decent if not overwhelming. The most brightly lit outdoor scenes retain a healthy luster in the palette, with deep blue skies being especially memorable. Olive typically deals with masters handed to them by their licensors, and in this case, my hunch is this is probably a "relic" that had been lying around on the MGM shelves for a while.

Firewalker Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Firewalker's lossless DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0 mix offers a few stumbles with prioritization, especially with regard to the synth heavy score by Gary Chang which occasionally overwhelms dialogue, but otherwise this is a problem free track that shows no signs of age related wear or tear.

Firewalker Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

There are no supplements on this Blu-ray disc.

Firewalker Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Chuck Norris starred in a turkey named 'Firewalker' and still continued to enjoy a successful career.

That, ladies and germs, is no joke.