Rating summary

Movie		3.5
Video		4.5
Audio		4.5
Extras		3.5
Overall		4.0

Dogs Don't Wear Pants Blu-ray Movie Review

"Ahem. Dogs don't stand on two legs."

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown February 6, 2024

Chances are most people will spend the majority of Dogs Don't Wear Pants trying to get a grip on the film's tone, to say nothing of its strange, evocative exploration of sexuality, grief, longing, and trauma recovery. Is it a black comedy? A bleak erotic melodrama? A slowburn psychological thriller spun round and round by its dizzying imagery? And just how dark will filmmaker J-P Valkeapää go? What begins in the vein of a sobering but provocative tumble down the BDSM rabbit hole soon shows itself to be something far more interesting; less sinister, more humanizing, and more compelling. It never fully wove its spell over me, yet I found its emotional core oddly moving as the story unfolded. Thought-provoking movies always give us things beyond ourselves to consider; experiences that needn't be our own to garner empathy and characters, however relatable or unrelatable, that suffer from the same universal condition we all do: the debilitating pain of loss and the healing power of connection and security.

The film's official synopsis is hilariously succinct: "After a tragic event, Juha develops an unexpected but powerful connection with a dominatrix named Mona. But his dangerous addiction to suffocation will lead them both down a wild, freaky path towards emotional enlightenment." That's it. No further information offered. Truth be told, that may be the best way to go into Dogs Don't Wear Pants. With a blindfold on. Still here? Then you, like me, probably found yourself lured in by the bizarre title, confused by the onslaught of lurid imagery, and intrigued by the film's critical praise. So let's answer those questions concerning what Dogs Don't Wear Pants actually is, and more importantly what it isn't.

After losing his wife in a drowning accident, bereft heart surgeon Juha (Pekka Strang) finds comfort in the straps, bindings and degradation of a cold, ghost-faced dominatrix named Mona (Krista Kosonen, in a stunning, visceral performance). Their relationship is strictly professional, until that is, a bit of "playful" asphyxiation causes Juha to briefly hallucinate he's beneath the water, reunited with his wife. Sexual comfort turns into obsession quickly -- too quickly for anyone's good -- with the grieving husband relentlessly pursuing Mona in ways that make her increasingly uncomfortable. With his mind unable to concentrate on much else, his social life comes undone, his already fragile connection with his teenage daughter (Ilona Huhta) grows more ragged, and he finds himself at risk of losing his job.

Barrel of laughs, right? Actually, yes. Dogs Don't Wear Pants tips off anyone paying attention the minute its title flashes on screen. Valkeapää has crafted a black comedy that's almost entirely flooded with darkness yet manages to constantly catch you by surprise. It's jarring that first moment you chuckle, as if you're being caught in the act of doing something wrong. This shouldn't be funny, should it? Then moments later you laugh harder, slapping your hand over your mouth, wondering if you're the only one who finds the humor in the shadows. It crescendos to body horror, and just wait till you experience laughter while wincing and begging the film to stop showing a graphic tooth-pulling. God, I might be sick. If you watch Dogs Don't Wear Pants and don't get the gags, well, pretend you didn't read this. I'm a normal guy, I swear. But between Juha's gangly features, bulging eyes and desperate but pathetic attempts to reintegrate into the real world in a healthy way, there's a quirky rhythm to Valkeapää's dark-dives that works.

I'm not sure it earns its 180 happy ending. It almost feels as if a scene is missing between elevator and sex club (you'll understand once you've watched it). Still, why does the darker extreme of certain subjects leave me feeling as if a horrid ending is inevitable, or even deserved? Juha goes too far and borders on creep at times, but you feel for him in his loss. You remember when you've lost people close to you, and while you probably didn't spiral down the Mona drain, you didn't feel yourself, you said things that weren't you, thought things that weren't typical. There may be no real hope for Juha. Regardless of how the story wraps, his career could take a sharp downturn again, he could destroy his relationship with his daughter in a matter of a few bone-headed words, and Mona simply could call the police and have them haul away her stalker. The real ending will be up to you, and will tell you more about yourself, your values and the breadth of your empathy than it will confirm or deny your suspicions about where Juha and Mona will find themselves a month beyond the film's conclusion.

Dogs Don't Wear Pants Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Valkeapää and cinematographer Pietari Peltola performed extensive camera tests to ensure the film's more stylized bursts of light and color wouldn't spoil the film's photography, and their efforts have been rewarded. Backed by a striking 1080p/AVC-encoded video transfer, Dogs Don't Wear Pants looks exceptionally good, with searing primaries that pierce through the mundane, almost monochromatic greens, teals and beiges of Juha's everyday life. Blazing reds, absorbing blues and eerie yellow hallways combine with rich, inky black levels and smart contrast-leveling to create a truly breathtaking dueling pair of palettes. One boasts lifelike skintones, subdued hues and revealing shadow delineation. The other cranks the image's saturation and vibrancy, leaving quite the impact. Detail remains excellent in both cases, with crisp definition and exacting fine textures. Hotly contrasted sequences lose detail in the shadows, and there is a fair amount of crush, but largely by design. Grain, meanwhile, only spikes on occasion (almost always, if not always, the product of the stylized photography) and isn't hindered by any blocking or banding. Bottom line, Dogs Don't Wear Pants couldn't look much better than it does here.

Dogs Don't Wear Pants Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Dogs Don't Wear Pants and its Finnish DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track oscillate between moments of quiet, almost calming normalcy and explosions of chaos, complete with moaning, screaming, violent noises and startling music cues. Dialogue is intelligible at all times (even though it won't matter much to anyone who doesn't speak the native language) and low-end effects connect with weight and presence. The rear speakers are engaging throughout as well, with an immersive soundfield that takes advantage of the ambient effects, acoustic properties and directional flair that come with a diverse array of locales; night clubs, sex dungeons, hushed hospitals, empty hallways, crowded streets and more. Each location is convincing and the lossless mix stays true to the film's sound design no matter what Valkeapää dreams up.

Dogs Don't Wear Pants Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Introduction (HD, 2 minutes) - An optional introduction from writer/director J-P Valkeapää is available when selecting the feature film. Slightly odd detail: he's petting his dog for most of his intro.

• Audio Commentary (HD, 2 minutes) - Filmmaker J-P Valkeapää delivers a solo audio commentary.

• Interview with J-P Valkeapää (HD, 30 minutes) - There's some overlap in this half-hour interview but nothing that makes it outright redundant. From his attraction to the themes of the film to the challenges in bringing it to life on screen, Valkeapää proves himself thorough and thoughtful.

• Interview with Pekka Strang (HD, 26 minutes) - The film's leading man offers his take on the material, what drew him to the project, the difficulties faced in grappling with raw sexuality on set, and more.

• Interview with Krista Kosonen (HD, 21 minutes) - The most interesting of the interviews is perhaps with Kosonen, who shifts in her seat with each question but delves more deeply into the film's thematic tug of war, sexual obsession and alt healing and grieving than her co-star or director.

• Camera Test (HD, 16 minutes) - A relatively lengthy collection of tests that were used to determine how best to shoot some of the film's trickier scenes, particularly those with vivid colors or blazing red background lights.

• Storyboard to Scenes (HD, 25 minutes) - Three storyboard montages are available: "Summer" and "Tooth", which roll side by side with their corresponding final scenes, and a ten-minute "Full Storyboard" reel featuring the film's complete storyboards.

• Trailer (HD, 2 minutes)

• Booklet - Featuring an essay by writer Annie Rose Malamet.

Dogs Don't Wear Pants Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

At the heart of Dogs Don't Wear Pants is a disarmingly sweet, exceedingly atypical love story... if you can find the humor rather than the horror in everything that transpires. It isn't a film that invites rewatches, nor does it attempt to do much more than weave a twisted modern BDSM fairy tale. But there's something here for those who respond to Valkeapää's sensibilities and dark comic stylings. The film's Blu-ray release is even better, with a striking video presentation, strong lossless audio track, and a solid assortment of special features that dig beneath the surface and unearth the meanings and purpose within Juha's story. Can't believe I'm about to do this -- I'm too vanilla for this to make much sense -- but I gotta recommend Dogs Don't Wear Pants. Here's hoping you're as surprised by what it actually offers as I was.