Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		4.0
Audio		3.0
Extras		3.0
Overall		2.5

Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie Review

Comedy's Lowest: Self-Indulgent Division

Reviewed by Michael Reuben January 7, 2012

The advertising copy for Division III: Football's Finest (hereafter "D3:FF") likens the film to Bad Teacher and Bad Santa, which, if the comparison were appropriate, would dictate that the film be called "Bad Coach" after the racist, homophobic, gun-toting felon, Rick Vice, played by Andy Dick. But the copy also reassures us that Dick heads a comic ensemble, which means that the film's creators didn't have enough confidence in Rick Vice's (or Andy Dick's) ability to hold an audience's attention for an hour and a half; so they added a bunch of wild 'n' crazy guys in football jerseys, plus a few women for sex jokes and a token romantic subplot to keep the party lively. Presumably that's why the film's title refers to a group activity in the tradition of Animal House and Revenge of the Nerds.

Director, co-writer and co-star Marshall Cook (who also edited the film on his laptop, because they couldn't afford an editor) was a quarterback in college and purportedly based some of the script on his experiences (but he doesn't say which parts). D3:FF plays like a bizarre amalgam of a college hijinks comedy and one of those sketches on Saturday Night Live featuring a recurrent character (in this instance, Coach Vice) who's predictably obnoxious in any situation and who, on SNL, gets laughs (or not) precisely because he is the same whenever he abruptly appears. Unfortunately for the audience, such characters rarely work at movie length, because the shock effect wears off quickly, and the three screenwriters (Cook, Dick and Paul Henderson, who also appears in the film) didn't imagine a plot of sufficient novelty, interest or substance to fill the void.

The film opens with a voiceover that wasn't originally part of the script but was suggested by comic Bob Odenkirk (currently playing crooked lawyer Saul Goodman on Breaking Bad) after viewing an early cut. The v/o explains the three divisions of college football recognized by the NCAA: Division I, which offers full scholarships and the promise of a pro career; Division II, which offers lesser scholarships and a less certain shot at a career; and Division III, where they just play football. It should tell you something about where the writers of D3:FF would fit, if the Writers Guild of America recognized "divisions", that someone had to tell them to include such essential exposition. (The fact that Cook didn't notice the problem while directing the film and after editing it for a year is a whole other problem.)

The film is set at the fictional Pulham University, whose Division III team is the Pulham Blue Cocks. The name is supposed to refer to the school's official avian mascot, but the juvenile pun (resulting in game banners like: "You can't lick our Cocks!") is a typical example of the D3:FF's humor. If that's your thing, this is your film.

The team hasn't won a season in years. When its long-time leader, Coach Ervin (Bob Stephenson), dies in a freak accident, the head of the athletic department, Roy Goodwyn (Michael Jace), prepares to step into his spot. But he finds to his shock that Pulham's president, a flakey airhead named Georgia Anne Whistler (Mo Collins), who refers to the team as "the football people", has a different plan. She's decided to generate buzz and attention (or, as a political consultant might say, to shift the narrative) by appointing Rick Vice as head coach, even though he's been considered unemployable ever since he served time for almost killing an entire Pee-Wee football team by spiking their Gatorade with the date rape drug GHB. (Vice thought it was a stimulant.) But President Whistler makes it clear to the new coach that he has a year to turn the team around, or she'll cancel the entire football program to save money.

Coach Vice, whose motto is "Get some!", makes an appropriate splash at his introductory press conference by taking on a much bulkier heckler and punching him senseless, even though the coach is smaller, older and wears a permanent knee brace. (One look at the elaborate array of metal and straps, and you can see that there's a joke being prepped that will include the line "Run, Forrest, run!") The bulk of the film consists of Coach Vice haranguing, abusing, bullying and assaulting his players in various ways, always backed by his obese assistant coach (and nutritionist) Bob Delgirt (co-writer Paul Henderson). If this were a Division I comedy, the rail-thin Vice and the obese Delgirt might recall Laurel and Hardy, but D3:FF doesn't have nearly the wit or precision to achieve such quality.

The film adds a few subplots for variety, but they're standard issue and as bland as a Happy Meal. Mitch DePrima (director Cook), a quarterback, attended Pulham because he thought a Division III team would offer him more time on the field, but he's been stuck on the bench anyway. We're supposed to believe he has talent, if only they'd let him play, but we have to take it on faith, because mostly what he does is work at a bar and drink. Mitch isn't even a womanizer, which makes it difficult to create obstacles when the obligatory love interest appears in the person of Jennifer (Alison Haislip), the newly hired sports therapist. Mitch may be drawn from his creator's own experiences as a college quarterback, but he's barely a character sketch. It takes more than alcohol, football moves and romantic awkwardness to reveal an inner life.

Mitch's roommate, Allen Schwartz (Kevin Corvais), is there mostly to support a string of gay jokes (he isn't, but he's small with delicate features). Still, Allen does provide a momentarily diverting subplot about relocating from the cheerleading squad to the football team in connection with an accidental fire that burns all the team's equipment. (Don't ask.) Joe Jansen (Bru Miller) provides occasional distraction as the world's oldest college ball player, who keeps failing so that he can remain on the team. Tyler Keys (Taymour Ghazi) plays the requisite turncoat who decides that Coach Vice spells the end of football at Pulham and bolts to the rival Cougars, thereby setting up a personal confrontation when the Blue Cocks—wouldn't you know it?—actually turn themselves around and start winning games. Bryan Callen, Adam Carolla and Will Sasso supply familiar parodies of sportscasters, with Sasso adding the only fresh note as a theater major who somehow blundered into sports and hasn't a clue what he's talking about.

Still, it's Coach Vice's movie, and everything always comes back to his foul-mouthed hostility. The filmmakers obviously intended Vice to energize the film just as John Belushi's Bluto animated Animal House, and they even have Vice replay the famous "Food fight!" scene (or try to). But the key to Bluto's impact was how little he actually appeared in Animal House. If the entire movie had been about him, Bluto would have quickly worn out his welcome. That's what happens with Andy Dick's bantam weight parody of Southern white trash. The truest moment in the film comes during the half-time pep talk when Coach Vice tells his players that they have to give this game their all, or they'll end up just like him. The players bolt for the field in sheer mortal terror, and you know just how they feel.

Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

D3:FF was shot digitally with the Red One camera and color-corrected on a digital intermediate. The cinematographer, Will Barratt, is the skillful digital camerman who created a multiplicity of visual styles for the anthology of horror parodies, Chillerama. Here, Barratt's work is clean and straightforward, and Image's 1080p, AVC-encoded Blu-ray presentation is the same. Detail is excellent throughout, as is customary with Red One productions, and video noise is virtually non-existent. Barratt has kept the color palette simple and the colors distinct without being overly saturated; the palette emphasizes blues in most scenes, with the exception of daytime in sunlight (e.g., football practice) where yellows predominate in the sunlight. A comparison of the color-corrected finished film to the uncorrected footage in the deleted scenes will demonstrate how much of the palette is determined in post-production; this, too, is typical of Red One productions.

Red One footage compresses easily, and since the extras were not lengthy, the material fit on a BD-25 without any compression artifacts. And since the production was digital from the beginning, there was no possibility of transfer-induced artifacts, and none were observed.

Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Sports films often present interesting opportunities for sound design, but don't expect anything surprising from D3:FF's track, presented here in DTS-HD MA 5.1. A production budget that couldn't afford an editor could hardly make room for much of a surround track, and what we get is strictly functional: clear dialogue, basic sound effects, underscoring by one Conan Skyrme and a heavy-metal style "theme song" called "Get Some" by The Guise. It sounds find, and it fills up the room, but it's neither active nor immersive.

Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• Commentary with Writer-Actor Andy Dick and Writer-Director-Actor-Editor Marshall Cook: The two auteurs and friends chat continuously in a hotel room during the trip in which they accompanied the film during its national "roadshow" exhibition (which is how Image often handles the theatrical release for the small number of films it distributes directly). Their discussion sticks almost entirely to details of performance and participants. Nowhere do they discuss the project's origins or any larger themes. This was clearly an opportunity for them to make a movie about stuff they found funny. Interesting sidenote: At one point, they note that what they're watching is the Blu-ray, and they had to buy a PS3 to watch it.


• Outtakes (HD, 1080p; 1.78:1; 9:30): Not surprisingly, in a film where most of the performances consist almost entirely of mugging, people cracked themselves up all the time. Many of these are included during the film's closing titles.


• Deleted/Extended Scenes (HD, 1080p; 1.78:1; 17:56): There are nine scenes, all of them consistent in tone and style with the finished film (for better or worse). Probably the best one is the scene in which President Georgia Anne Whistler details her plans for a reality TV series based on the team, Coach Vice and, most importantly, the sexy but effective college president (i.e., her). The grossest ones (if that's your taste) involve Paul Henderson's Asst. Coach Delgirt needing the Heimlich maneuver (or, as Coach Vice calls it, "the Heineken maneuver") and crashing a golf cart into a tree with unfortunate consequences for bowel control.


• Trailer (HD, 1080p; 1.78:1; 2:20): "Sometimes it takes a loser to make winners." This is the trailer for general audiences. The commentary refers to a "red band" trailer, which I would have liked to see.

Division III: Football's Finest Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

I'm still not sure who D3:FF's intended audience is. Football fans? MADtv fans (given the various alumni of the show wandering through the cast)? Andy Dick fans? Dick joke fans? As the commentary advises us, Image Entertainment bought the film; so they must have thought there was a market for it, but I'll be damned if I know who it is. The Blu-ray's technical merits are solid, but I can't recommend the film.