Rating summary

Movie		3.0
Video		4.0
Audio		4.5
Extras		2.5
Overall		3.0

Cooties Blu-ray Movie Review

You are what you eat.

Reviewed by Jeffrey Kauffman November 22, 2015

Ah, for the halcyon days of elementary school, when we little boys were convinced girls had cooties and where writing “FBI” on the palm of your hand gave you the only known protection, “flea bag insurance” (I am not here to provide any logical reason as to why flea bag insurance keeps one cootie free; I attempt only to describe the situation). And also ah, for the halcyon days of carefree eating choices, in a pre-gluten, pre- vegan, pre-worry atmosphere where anything that was deemed “food” had to be good for you, or at least not too terribly bad for you. Both of these seemingly unrelated bits of nostalgia are rather unceremoniously combined in the fitfully amusing Cooties, a film that depicts the rather quick devolution of a horde of kids into feral beasts that are reminiscent of denizens of entries like Lord of the Flies or even The Walking Dead. The culprit causing all of this havoc is a pretty disgusting looking chicken tender that an unaware little girl munches on during her school lunch, but the film actually begins with the sad journey of that particular chicken through the food processing regimen that ultimately makes it into a bite sized chunk of breaded protein. That sequence may do for others what a little remembered documentary called The Animals Film did for me—i.e., convert me unabashedly to the ranks of vegetarians—for it details in a kind of sickening specificity how the sausage (or in this case, a chicken tender) gets made. For audience members who are already feeling squeamish, that tendency will probably only continue through the opening moments of the film, where the disgustingly discolored piece of former chicken flesh gets put through various preparatory steps before that unwitting little girl clamps her teeth down on it and we’re greeted by the sight of an ooey, gooey gray - green ooze dripping out of the meat, obviously wending its way into the metabolism of the child eating it.

The kind of chicken you eat isn’t the only fowl referenced in Cooties, for the entire film takes place in the somewhat whimsically named town of Ft. Chicken, Illinois (this burg is evidently fictional, though in the truth is stranger than fiction department, there actually is a place in Illinois called Chicken Bristle, which one assumes is completely different from chicken gristle). Aspiring horror writer Clint Hadson (Elijah Wood) has returned home to this quaint little town, foisting his latest works of “art” off on his mother, who struggles at times to find nice things to say about them. At least Clint has some income courtesy of his job as a substitute teacher, which brings him to the decidedly odd (and evidently summer schooled) environs of Ft. Chicken Elementary.

It’s something of a horse race as to whether the kids or the teachers at this particular “learning” establishment are more off the wall. Clint interacts with a number of patently odd personnel at the school before coming face to face with Lucy McCormick (Allison Pill), a perky blonde teacher who went to school with Clint back in the day and for whom Clint has carried a torch ever since. Clint’s initial excitement at this unexpected reunion is tempered when it’s revealed that Lucy is dating the school’s weirdly threatening PE teacher Wade Johnson (Rainn Wilson).

Meanwhile the hapless little girl who bit into the infected chicken tender has begun to show signs of—well, something. And in yet another of those “ah, for the halcyon days” moments, when a bullying little boy pulls the little girl’s pigtail, there’s ample evidence that things are falling apart in more than one way. Cooties repeatedly plays up the boneheaded ignorance of the teachers as this virus begins exploding through the student populace, and a couple of interlinked sequences find various adult characters carrying on with their regular day to day activities while all hell is breaking loose around (and/or behind) them.

Ultimately, of course, various gory deaths ensue and a handful of teachers and/or administrators finally figure out that they’re all in mortal danger from an invading horde of flesh eating children. That sets up a traditional horror film ambience where the survivors try to figure out a way to keep surviving, all within a generally comic ambience that sees various relationships either blossom or devolve. The supporting cast includes Jack McBrayer in typically frantic mode, and Jorge Garcia seemingly revisiting Hurley from Lost with a probably intentionally referential focus on a van his character drives.

Cooties, somewhat like its zombie-fied children, tends to shuffle comedically rather than gallop, offering decent bits for the various adults while the kids wreak bloody havoc to fulfill the horror side of the equation. The fact that the film can wring any humor out of school hallways literally flooded with blood, a la The Shining , is something of a miracle, given the glut of horrific news reports featuring similar scenes from a variety of violent, usually gun related, incidents in public places, including schools. The film goes hyperbolically apocalyptic as it continues, making the already questionable conceit of killer children a bit less able to provide comedic dividends in the late going.

Note: My colleague Brian Orndorf offered a perhaps slightly more positive take on Cooties here.

Cooties Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Cooties is presented on Blu-ray courtesy of Lionsgate Films with an AVC encoded 1080p transfer in 2.39:1. Co-directors Jonathan Milott and Cary Murnion, along with cinematographer Lyle Vincent, invest the film with a playful if often gruesome visual sense which begins with the first sequence of the hapless chicken meeting its fate and being turned into a perhaps questionable "food" item. This sequence has some unusual color grading, as does a much later segment capping the film. The opening is cast in a weird blue-green tint that when combined with lighting effects and pushed contrast tends to give the film a glossy, almost surreal, quality. The ending sequence which offers copious shades of a red hue actually offers commendable fine detail and sharpness. The bulk of the film is surprisingly sunny feeling, with a bright and colorful array of tones throughout the school environment. Sharpness and clarity are excellent throughout the brightly lit scenes that fill up a lot of the central portion of the film. There's slightly less detail evident in a longish sequence involving the teachers trying to wend their way through various tight spaces where lighting is not in abundance. Several scenes play with perspective, offering a slightly skewed view of this already topsy turvy environment. There's also abundant fine detail in some of the pretty gory looking special effects, and that level of detail may actually be a bit stomach churning for some.

Cooties Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Cooties has a fun and playful soundtrack offered in DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1. There are some well done sound effects, though again some are a bit on the stomach churning side of things, and immersion is very nicely detailed, especially once the kids go feral and things become more and more chaotic. There is also nice attention paid to various changes in the ambient environment and associated elements like room reverb as the film segues from space to space within the school, or even ventures out of doors during a couple of sequences. Dialogue is cleanly presented and well prioritized. Dynamic range is very wide.

Cooties Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

• The Cootieary (Cast and Crew Commentary is a fun, chatty affair, one that tends to be a bit noisy at times, but which delivers good anecdotal information and a couple of more technical tidbits about some of the effects.


• Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot. . .Catching Cooties (1080p; 13:20) is a somewhat surprisingly standard issue EPK (given the film's otherwise kind of out there sensibility) that includes some okay interviews.


• Deleted/Alternate/Extended Scenes (1080p; 16:03)


• Gag Reel (1080p; 4:03)


• Alternate Ending with Optional Commentary (1080p; 4:13)


• Talking Cooties (1080p; 9:18) shows scenes of the commentary being recorded.

Cooties Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Cooties' horror is probably more consistently effective than its comedy, and so those expecting a more or less equal blend of mayhem and mirth may be feeling disappointed in their laugh quotients. The film has whimsy to spare, but the grotesque blood and guts effects are so aggressive that the comedy tends to arrive pre-deflated, as it were. The cast is very energetic and fun to watch, and co-directors Milott and Murnion are obviously talents to keep an eye on. Recommended.