Rating summary

Movie		2.0
Video		4.0
Audio		4.0
Extras		2.5
Overall		3.0

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Blu-ray Movie Review

Be careful. Blink during this flop and you'll miss forty-pages of exposition...

Reviewed by Kenneth Brown February 21, 2010

When the Harry Potter series is finally laid to rest, I'll be a happy, happy man. Don't get me wrong, my affection for the wily wizard and his crafty classmates continues to grow as the franchise matures, but each successive and successful Potter film has unwittingly wreaked cinematic havoc on the fantasy genre. The Golden Compass, Eragon, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Inkheart... is it just me, or does every other young-adult fantasy film suffer from delusions of Hogwarts grandeur? Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is merely the latest bomb in a teetering trend; an opening chapter in a larger mythos that promises sights as yet unseen; a film so focused on laying the groundwork for future entries that it fails to deliver a strong standalone experience. Let's be honest, chances are we'll never see a sequel -- considering the film earned a meager 28-million dollars at the worldwide box office, I'm sure there are at least half-a-dozen studio execs who wish they had supernatural powers of their own -- chances are Cirque du Freak ends here. So what are we left with? An overwrought, underdeveloped, overcrowded mess of a fantasy flick that dabbles in so many setups and subplots that it doesn't know which way is up.

The new and improved 'Devil Wears Prada.' Now with more Devil and far less Prada...

Based on the first three novels of Darren Shan's "Saga of Darren Shan" series -- the aptly titled "Cirque du Freak," "The Vampire's Assistant," and "Tunnels of Blood" -- writer/director Paul Weitz's Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant weaves the cumbersome tale of a young man named Darren (Chris Massoglia) who makes a pact with a centuries-old vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly). The deal? In exchange for saving his BFF, Steve (Josh Hutcherson), Darren agrees to become a half-vampire and join Crepsley's brethren, a traveling freak show full of lovable outcasts and monstrosities. The fledgling fanger meets the troop's towering leader and ringmaster Hibernius (Ken Watanabe), beard-sprouting mystic Madame Truska (Salma Hayek), ribless ladies man Ribs (Orlando Jones), tail-curling love interest Rebecca (Jessica Carlson), regenerative healer Corma Limbs (Jane Krakowski), reptilian rocker Evra the Snakeboy (Patrick Fugit), toothy performer Gertha Teeth (Kristen Schaal), and strongman-of-insatiable-appetites Rhamus Twobellies (Frankie Faison), among others. But soon Darren is faced with the dangers they face. Suffice to say, society's scorn is the least of their problems. In the world of Cirque du Freak, vampires refuse to feed on humans whereas vampaneze do. It's an age-old war; one that gives mustache-twirling foes like Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris) and prickly henchmen like Murlough (Ray Stevenson) their bite.

Bored yet? Don't worry, you will be. The crux of the story also involves good ol' Steve, a wiry vampire-fanatic who unleashes his bloodthirsty angst early and often. After begging Crepsley to grant him vampiric powers, a request that's almost immediately rejected (turns out the young lad's blood tastes evil), Stevie falls apart; going so far as to contemplate suicide after Darren's "death" (and subsequent fake-funeral) leaves his distraught best friend wallowing in grief. Enter Mr. Tiny and an offer our hapless villain-in-training can't refuse, all of which leads to a predictable clash of the teen titans; a contrived conflict that bogs down an already convoluted tale. The Potter franchise at least has the good sense to ripen its conflicts over multiple two-and-a-half-hour films. Not Cirque du Freak. It identifies its target and goes in for the kill within ninety minutes, a far cry from the hours and hours it would take to properly develop its protagonists, maneuver them into place, and effectively turn them against each other. Instead, story and exposition come at a breakneck pace, piling on meandering subtext and shaky subplots without ever establishing anything resembling a firm foundation. Yet, surprisingly, little actually happens. Almost every scene consists of two characters blathering on and on, one asking questions and the other outlining the rules of a world we're only given glimpses of through ambiguous anecdotes and ominous warnings. The mythology is dense and full of potential, I'll give it that, but so much is unloaded without any payoff that the entire film becomes an exhausting exercise in tilling the series' soil. But without a harvest, what's the point?

The actors don't fare much better. They try, they really do, but Weitz's script is too shallow, his direction too matter-of-fact, and their burdens as performers too great. Even Reilly -- whose deadpan intensity and quippy "that's bull" line-delivery piqued my interest when I first saw the film's amusing theatrical trailer -- is given next to nothing to do. More sweet and brooding than snarky and sarcastic, he's only offered a handful of opportunities to flash his comic chops; a death knell for an awkward, bloated, mirthless introduction to a would-be saga like The Vampire's Assistant. It doesn't help that Weitz's quick-cuts and whiplash-inducing scene transitions drag viewers from one character actor to the next, shrugging off any confused looks or questions his viewers might react with in the process. The freaks are reduced to one-note caricatures, good-vs-evil is as complex as the harrowing vampire-vampaneze battle gets, and Cerveris and Stevenson are so disgustingly eeeeevil that it's a wonder Darren and Steve consider anything the eyebrow-raising pair have to say. Not to continually reference Harry Potter (something Cirque du Freak does ad nauseum), but J.K. Rowling's dastardly baddies are clever chameleons; their deep-seated nastiness isn't always wrapped in a noticeably nasty bow. And that's the one thing most young cinephiles will notice about The Vampire's Assistant: it's a far lesser film than its esteemed big brother. Had its tone been more consistent, had its sprawling storylines been made more accessible, had its characters granted viewers more than preset grins and grimaces, Weitz's opening volley might have scored a hit. Instead, it's simply another discarded dead-end; a flawed first chapter in a promising epic filmfans will never see unspool.

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

The high point of Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is most definitely Universal's unyielding 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer; a potent presentation that captures the tone of Shan's original novels more readily than Weitz's convoluted screenplay. J. Michael Muro's palette is exceedingly vibrant (sometimes brimming with cartoonish greens and purples), blacks are deep and moody (often to a fault), and skintones are relatively lifelike and well-saturated. Crush is apparent throughout and delineation is a joke -- the film's impenetrable shadows rarely reveal anything other than more ominous shadows -- but the overtly extravagant lighting and overbearing contrast leveling struck me as intentional. Still, even though background detail is all but consumed by the darkness, foreground definition and texture clarity are impressive, closeups are nice and crisp, and the tiniest facial nicks and errant hairs have been preserved. More importantly, artifacting, unsightly noise, aliasing, and DNR don't make any noticeable appearances, and edge enhancement is kept to a minimum. All in all, Cirque du Freak's transfer is a faithful representation of its source, and another fine high definition effort from Universal.

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The Blu-ray edition of Cirque du Freak also boasts a lively DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track. A twisted parade of carnivorous beasties, warring clan-creatures, speeding vampires, and jarring demonstrations of destructive power take full advantage of the LFE channel, lending the mix legitimacy and presence. Rear speaker activity is a tad manufactured -- effects sometimes roll in like a sudden storm -- but the soundfield itself is quite immersive, especially considering the sheer amount of chatty exposition that dominates many a scene. On that note, dialogue is crisp, intelligible, and well-prioritized, even when monsters clash and supernatural frenemies declare their unwavering intentions. Directionality is spot on as well, distributing those same voices around the soundfield to create convincing crowds and enhance hushed conversations. Moreover, whooshes and whizes effortlessly whip from speaker to speaker, pans are transparent, and dynamics are satisfying.

If anything, the haphazard nature of the film's sound design limits its impact. Stephen Trask's score arrives with memorable bombast, but ultimately does little more than lumber about; CG characters seem aurally impaired, particularly when compared to their live-action castmates; and Weitz's freak-show set pieces have received far more attention than more ordinary locales (Darren's house, school, and neighborhood spring to mind). Still, The Vampire's Assistant sounds great, and should easily please the Cirque's devoted fold.

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant descends on Blu-ray with a solid supplemental package anchored to a decent Picture-in-Picture track. The disc's special features aren't going to win over anyone who didn't already enjoy the film itself, but I expected much less from a critically panned box office bomb.

• U-Control Experience: Limited to thirteen of the film's twenty chapters, this fairly standard Picture-in-Picture track gives writer/director/producer Paul Weitz, his cast, and key members of his crew the opportunity to discuss the original books, Weitz's adaptation and eventual production, and the creation of his characters, effects, costumes, and sets. Yes, some of the interview segments also appear in the accompanying featurettes, but the material should keep Freak fans happy nonetheless.
• Guide to Becoming a Vampire (HD, 20 minutes): Next up is a trio of self-explanatory production featurettes -- "Learn Your History: The Development and Casting," "Find a New Home: Filming the Big Scenes," and "Surround Yourself with Friends: Making the Cirque and Its Freaks" -- bogged down by copious film clips, a parade of talking heads, and the cast and crew's glossy analysis of the source material.
• Tour du Freak (HD, 18 minutes): Hosted by a Harry Potter-esque narrator, this plodding EPK offers fans more interviews, concept art, and a tour of the Cirque sets.
• Deleted Scenes (SD, 27 minutes): Well, I found the rest of the film. Universal's Blu-ray release includes a whopping thirty-five deleted, extended, and alternate scenes (sans musical score), few of which would have made Cirque du Freak any better.
• BD-Live Functionality and News Ticker
• My Scenes Bookmarking

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is yet another hopeful franchise turned box office bomb. With so much effort invested in paving the paths ahead, Weitz neglected to make his first entry capable of standing on its own. Ah well, Universal's Blu-ray release is at least a competent one. With a fit and faithful video transfer, a commanding DTS-HD Master Audio track, and a decent supplemental package, those who do enjoy the film itself will be happy to see it's been treated so well. My advice? Toss it on your Netflix queue, shake your head, and spend your hard-earned cash elsewhere.