Rating summary

Movie		1.0
Video		4.5
Audio		4.5
Extras		0.5
Overall		1.0

Children of the Corn Blu-ray Movie Review

Sickle sell anemia.

Reviewed by Randy Miller III May 9, 2023

Has any other short story spawned as many terrible movies as Stephen King's Children of the Corn? Even the original 1984 adaptation, directed by Fritz Kiersch and starring Linda Hamilton, was a lukewarm stab at supernatural horror. Yet somehow nine terrible films followed in its footsteps, including multiple sequels and a 2009 made-for-TV remake, none of which I'm bothering to link to because they're not worth the effort. Yet I'd probably watch any of those again before I sit through this 2020 adaptation by Kurt Wimmer a second time: held in post-theatrical pre-streaming purgatory for three full years, it's so poorly written and executed that you'll be left wondering how it got off the ground.

The original story and its variants are so well-known that a synopsis almost isn't necessary. You know the basics: a Nebraskan town faces disaster when their corn crop fails, but real trouble arrives when the kids form a religious cult around a demonic entity who stalks the fields. The adults are killed to appease "He Who Walks Behind the Rows", but two are able to finally break his control and lead the remaining children to safety. Wimmer's new adaptation trades in most of the biblical brouhaha for a limp stab at GMOs, simultaneously making most of the adults instantly unlikable by having them trade the town's future for a quick buck. The fact that this half-baked change is the most inspired thing about Children of the Corn is telling. But there are enough raw differences that it's not even technically a remake, at least according to the director: Wimmer clarified in an interview that this is more of a prequel.

Instead of adults, this time around the non-children are kinda-sorta led by bright high schooler Boleyn "Bo" Williams (Elena Kampouris, who was 22 during filming but looks simultaneously 14 and 35); her parents, including dad Robert (Callan Mulvey), seem to be the only level-headed adults in the bunch. But their intentions don't matter: the cult of children led by 12 year-old psychopath Eden (Kate Moyer) pretty much murders the adults at will, armed with nothing more than marginally greater numbers and basic farm tools. This is Children of the Corn's most frustrating narrative crutch: adults and other non-cult members make absolutely no effort to fight back despite witnessing the increasingly grisly deaths of their friends and family. As a result, trudging through this one-sided marathon of violence is about as enjoyable as being repeatedly kicked in the shins by someone you're not allowed to hit back.

That's enough to raise any eyebrow, but Children of the Corn commits plenty of other narrative sins too. Its poorly rendered version of "He Who Walks" basically looks like an oversized Groot, doesn't seem particularly threatening, and is responsible for far fewer deaths than even the spaghetti-armed tweens that commit most of the violence. Pacing is abysmal, especially during its second leg, and the dumb decisions of its main character -- even by horror standards -- pad out the running time unnecessarily. (Perhaps the worst example is when Bo talks the kids out of an act that would have killed everyone, including her, only to attempt a less effective self-sacrifice only minutes later.)

So, to reiterate, the story's awful. The acting's not much better. (In her weak-willed lead performance, Elena Kampouris relies almost exclusively on the "worried Winona Ryder face".) The villains are laughable or contrived. The atmosphere couldn't be less memorable, even compared to Kiersch's lukewarm original film. This one's more or less a failure from every angle, so it's not surprising that Children of the Corn was met with almost universally negative reviews, including from our own Brian Orndorf. Regardless, RLJ Entertainment -- who I hope got a good deal on the distribution rights -- presents the film on Blu-ray; it's basically a movie-only disc but at least has really solid A/V merits.

Children of the Corn Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

Hey, at least it looks decent. Children of the Corn is no visual marvel and actually feels pretty cheap from a production standpoint, but its foreboding rural backdrop -- that's actually Australia standing in for Nebraska -- makes a smooth trip to Blu-ray thanks to RLJ Entertainment's 1080p transfer, which supports its limited amount of fine detail, generally muted color palette, and ink-deep blacks with no flagrant signs of banding, posterization, or other such compression artifacts, save for trace levels of macro blocking during the busiest scenes. But I was admittedly surprised with this disc's overall visual quality, which is at least one olive branch in an otherwise pretty dire situation.

Children of the Corn Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Likewise, the DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio mix serves up a fairly active soundstage when it matters most, from slight breezes and music cues that keep the surround channels busy to some rather heavy use of discrete effects and LFE when "He Who Walks" makes an entrance. Dialogue remains crisp and clear and is typically anchored right up front, although it likewise drifts into the rears in wide-open locations and in group conversations. It may not carve out any new territory for the genre but, for what it is, Children of the Corn gets the job done from a sonic standpoint.

Optional subtitles, including English (SDH), are offered during the main feature only.

Children of the Corn Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

This one-disc release ships in a keepcase with a matching slipcover. The extras are mercifully short.

• Deleted Scenes - Two inconsequential scenes presented in open-matte 2.00:1 with lossless 2.0 audio.

• "Juice Box" (2:22) - An interaction with Bo and Eden after a series of killings.
• "Sorry Henrietta (1:07) - A live cow sacrifice, because sometimes adults just don't cut it.

Children of the Corn Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

The eleventh entry in a sad, sorry family tree, Kurt Wimmer's Children of the Corn (evidently a prequel to the original 1984 film, at least according to the director) might just be the worst entry to date. From the script to the editing, this is an absolute misfire on every level and falls short of even horror's lax standards for quality. RLJ Entertainment's Blu-ray at least offers a quality disc for all ten of its fans, especially the A/V presentation which is quite good. Obviously I can't recommend it at any price, but extremely curious fans of the original may want to stream it first.