Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		1.5
Video		3.0
Audio		2.5
Extras		1.5
Overall		1.5

Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie Review

Baby, I'm bored.

Reviewed by Casey Broadwater June 8, 2009

Who needs a nation-wide release? Who needs press and critical acclaim? Why bother with the red carpet? Baby on Board cuts out the cinematic middle man, comes straight to a Blu-ray player near you and, after a painful 97-minute labor, a duration that begins to seem infinitely longer than 9 months, delivers a steaming, lifeless turd right into your living room. The pregnancy metaphors to describe the film are endless. Was it stillborn? Sadly, yes. Did director Brian Herzlinger miscarry? Reports claim that producers took the film off his hands and re-edited it themselves. So, no, this is not the big, healthy, comedic baby boy you’ve been anticipating. Ancient cultures, much more savage than ours, would have thrown this one to the wolves.

So what happened with this film? The actors, while not necessarily A-listers, are at least competent performers who, I would like to assume, know how to weed through potential parts. I honestly can’t imagine the director or cast saying, at any point in the shooting of Baby on Board, “Yeah, this one’s going to be a hit. That last scene was hilarious.” The sundry gags are just too unwieldy and stale, giving the key players very little to work with. Romantic comedies are balanced out by a strange, unspoken algebra, whereby chemistry, charm, wit, and heart must be found to equal x, commercial and critical success. Unfortunately, with Baby on Board, the numbers just don’t add up.

The story revolves around Angela (Heather Graham), a rising star within the Chateau cosmetics company. While pitching a new perfume for pregnant moms, Angela breaks wind (oops!) and her deal goes quite literally foul. As it turns out, her gaseous eruptions are due to a pregnancy of the, how should we say, unexpected variety. While Angela frets over whether the bun in her oven will have a fattening effect on the rest of her kitchen, her divorce attorney husband Curtis, played by a puppy-ish Jerry O’Connell, welcomes the new addition to the family. Tensions mount, however, when a series of misunderstandings draw the two former lovebirds into a protracted and mutual cold shoulder treatment of cold war proportions. Their unhappily married friends Sylvie (Katie Finneran) and Danny (John Corbett) take sides in the conflict, and the battle of the sexes drags on with an endless string of sight gags, dick jokes, and shallow humor that resists any attempts to be potty-trained.

The film wants desperately to achieve Judd Apatow-levels of comedy, but the script just isn’t there. While 2007’s Knocked Up provided a strikingly similar marriage of crude humor and pregnancy, it did so with a kind of scruffy, loveable charm that’s blatantly absent from Baby on Board. Part of the problem is that the film gives us no one to love. Not even a third- trimester Heather Graham can arouse our sympathies. And what’s happened to Laura Flynn Boyle? Far from the saddle-shoed vixen of Twin Peaks, she appears here as Angela’s boss, a grim visage of cosmetic surgery gone horribly awry. Worse still, Jerry O’Connell and John Corbett have the distinction of playing some of the most doggishly unlikable characters in recent memory. They come across as sex-addled, lowest common denominator scoundrels with zero communicative abilities and no emotional depth. If male viewers are supposed to relate on any real level to these thick-headed, meat-bag avatars of machismo, the film is selling itself, and its audience, dreadfully short.

Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

For being such an utter mess in nearly every other way, it's somewhat surprising that Baby On Board's 1080p 1.78:1 transfer is as clean and presentable as it is. It's low on wow factor and definitely won't sway anyone's opinion of the film, but it is a solid transfer that yields sharp detail, especially in clothing textures and close-ups. Check out the shot of Angela's fork as it slices neatly through her dessert. Each air pocket in the cake pops in crisp relief and the raspberry sauce drizzles with a convincing sheen. There is a slight trade-off with the sharpness, however, as I noticed some negligible haloing from edge enhancement. Additionally, a few sky shots look overly splotchy, some whites are slightly overblown, and there are a few noticeable specks and flecks on the print. That said, colors are accurately rendered, shadow delineation is rarely an issue, and the sense of depth is good considering the flat lighting that is often a staple of rom-coms.

Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

The DTS HD 5.1 MA track is a lackluster affair that, while serving the needs of the film adequately, is unremarkable and wholly forgettable. Voice prioritization is key in a movie of this ilk, and in that the audio package delivers. Punch-lines and farts are broadcast in equal clarity, though, to be honest, even the least discerning audiences will inevitably prefer the mute button. The track is largely front heavy, and the only time I felt any sense of immersion was when heavy musical cues kicked in. The score is dippy, saccharine, and almost condescending in its cloying attempt to wring from the audience some slight sympathy for the wholly unlikable characters. Other elements, clearly going for "whimsy," sound more like motifs from any number of trite Christmas comedies.

Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

If you actually watch the entire film, you'll have little patience for any reminders of its unfortunate existence. Thankfully, Baby on Board arrives with only a commentary track by director Brian Herzlinger, the theatrical trailer (1080p, though noticeably poorer in quality than the film itself), and a photo gallery that was very clearly arranged in iPhoto, complete with the ubiquitous Ken Burns' effect.

Baby on Board Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

Not one laugh escaped my lips. At best, the film induced a few half-hearted smirks and a weak chortle or two. In my view, Baby on Board can be recommended only as an exercise in cinematic endurance, or as a gift for that special person you love to hate. "Big surprises sometimes come in small packages," reads the film's tagline, and this one belongs in the diaper pail.