A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie

Rating summary

Movie		0.5
Video		4.5
Audio		4.0
Extras		2.0
Overall		2.5

A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie Review

Once more unto the breach!

Reviewed by Martin Liebman March 12, 2015

On April 30, 2013, Blu-ray.com's Kenneth Brown had the misfortune, and suffered the indignity, of reviewing the Marlon Wayans Paranormal Activity and general found footage genre spoof A Haunted House. In the review, Kenneth asks "what's worse than a bad found-footage horror movie? A bad found-footage horror movie spoof. What could possibly be worse than that, you ask? A bad Wayans Brothers found-footage horror movie spoof. Still worse than that? A cinematic abomination like A Haunted House, which falls into all the previous categories and somehow tacks one more to the list: rock bottom disaster." Sorry about opening an old wound, Ken. It still hurts. It lingers. The pain. The suffering. The unshakable sights stills racing before the eyes, the blood-curdling sounds still echoing in the ears, the fear that it would one day come back, stronger than ever, ready to finish what it had only begun. And that day is here. Marlon Wayans is back. It's sequel day. The answer to the question -- "what's worse?" -- is here, and it's A Haunted House 2. But no worries, my colleague-in-arms, the cavalry is here, ready to relieve the weary, to take the bullet, to suffer the consequences, to bleed so others may remain whole and safe from the onslaught of cinematic depravity, idiocy, and still "rock bottom disaster" that is the "two" in one of the most heinous one-two punches in cinema history.

Our sentiments exactly.

For those on the fence about A Haunted House 2 -- "what's it about?" they ask -- here's a little synopsis: A guy named Malcolm (Wayans) and his new wife Megan (Jaime Pressly), along with her young son Wyatt (Steele Stebbins) who hosts tea parties with his imaginary friend, and his older, sexually active (really sexually active), and rebellious sister Becky (Ashley Rickards), move into a haunted house. But they don't know it's haunted. Their new neighbor Miguel (Gabriel Iglesias) hears racism in every comment Malcolm makes, but rather than become offended, he has fun playing the "gotcha!" PC game with his new pal. One night, after making love to a wicked doll named Abigail, Malcolm discovers an old reel-to-reel projector and home movies in the attic that depict some of the more frightening things from the house's past. Now, the doll is stalking him all Fatal Attraction-like and, um, some other crazy nonsense happens, something to do with a box Becky found in the basement, leading Malcolm to sacrifice a chicken, call some paranormal investigators over, and so on and so forth.

Would it be wrong to simply copy-and-paste "lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling" over and over and call it a review? Truth be told, that sums up the movie quite nicely, very succinctly, and without expending the sort of effort this movie doesn't deserve. It would look kind of like this, for those who need a visual cue to help make the decision: lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling

Need more? Fine. Sigh. (Ow! That repeated text kind of hurts the eyes. Yet it's but a flesh wound next to the hellacious torture awaiting those who dare peek past the poster of A Haunted House 2).

Sometimes, laughing is the only defense against crying, a way of releasing emotions that are "safe" rather than a sign of weakness. Whatever scattered laughs flow from A Haunted House 2 generally come in this way, or by laughing at the movie rather than with the movie. Granted, Gabriel Iglesias does lend some genuine humor to the film. He carries it when nobody else can, milking every scene, shot, and syllable for all they're worth and somehow unearthing whatever trace of comedy the movie has in its arsenal. Mark Henry (of WWE fame) makes a fun and all-too-brief cameo, too, and earns a hearty, honest chuckle when he's up on the screen. Iglesias and Henry make the movie flow at normal pace; it's everyone else, all of those other people who make up the majority of the movie's runtime, that make every second feel like a day. Otherwise, the movie flops and flounders through all of the usual antics that aren't gut-busting but rather mind-numbing, that aren't side-splitting but rather head-bashing. A Haunted House 2 is almost wall-to-wall crude sex humor that includes a penis popping out of a throat, snorting drugs off of bare breasts, having sex with dolls, sex marathons, too much Wayans rear end, a reading out of a kinky diary, and on and on. None of it's funny because it's all so grossly overdone, and done here with no rhythm, purpose, heart, sense of adventure, or anything else that could be construed as purposeful, meaningful, or in some way worthy of the audience's time. lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling lame sex jokes, tired gags, and directionless storytelling...

A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie, Video Quality 

At least it looks good...right? A Haunted House 2 lures in viewers with a mostly pristine 1080p, 1.85:1-framed, HD video-sourced transfer. Though the film opens rather weakly in a dark, poorly defined car interior that's home to more than a bit of noise and fatigued black levels, the image tightens up beautifully once the action shifts to light-drenched suburbia. Colors dazzle with natural vibrancy and vitality. Even whites are bright but naturally so. Details are crisp and revealing, with facial lines and stubble, clothing seams, grasses, concrete, woods, and the various materials that construct the doll looking shapely and well defined down to the finest nuance. Black levels tighten up, noise drops to nearly nonexistent, and the image suffers from no appreciable bouts of banding or blocking. All in all, a rock-solid effort from Universal.

A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie, Audio Quality 

Universal scares up a DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 lossless soundtrack for A Haunted House 2. The presentation is good all-around, with music enjoying lively details, good spacing, and light surround support. Ambient effects are healthy but unobtrusive, bringing minor details of suburbia into the stage in support of primary dialogue and sound effect action. The track provides a few good directional effects. For example, an inflated dog zips across from speaker to speaker as the air pushing out of it propels it through the family's front yard. The track also offers some deep, healthy bass at several junctures, including heavy knocks on a door that send positive, deep jolts into the listening area. Background, and naturally mildly muddy, music-based bass also defines a party scene. Various crashes and slams, notably during the "chicken fight" midway through, offer detailed specifics and nice, natural placement. Dialogue is well defined and focused straight up the middle.

A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie, Special Features and Extras 

A Haunted House 2 contains deleted and extended scenes for the truly courageous and an audio commentary for traitors turning to the dark side. Inside the Blu-ray case, buyers will find a DVD copy of the film and a voucher for a UV/iTunes digital copy.

• Deleted and Extended Scenes (1080p, 17:54): All scenes lumped together with no identifying titles.
• Audio Commentary: Actor/Co-Writer/Producer Marlon Wayans, Director Michael Tiddes, and Co-Writer/Producer Rick Alvarez sit down to discuss the film, if anyone cares, or dares.
• Previews (1080p): A Haunted House, Sabotage, Machete Kills, Hit & Run, Silent Hill: Revelation, and Silent House.

A Haunted House 2 Blu-ray Movie, Overall Score and Recommendation 

The horror. The horror. A Haunted House 2 proves that the enemy is strong, weak-minded to be sure but steadfast in resolve and ready -- eager, even -- to see the cinema universe crushed under the power of its perversions, wrecked by the weight of its witless ways, stomped by the size of its sheer stupidity. It comes like a thief in the night, a trojan horse made of silly faces, sex jokes, and fluffy support units. But looks can be deceiving. Looks can be dangerous. Looks can be deadly. Belittling A Haunted House 2 may be easy, but doing so only wins the battle, not the war. And with Wayans open to the idea of a third film, total destruction lies just beyond the corner. No. The line must be drawn here! Pay heed, weary moviegoers. Dare not tread that path, dare not ask for yet another installment lest ye seal your own fate. For those who wish to face the terror head-on, Universal's Blu-ray does offer splendid video and audio along with some extra torture, er, deleted scenes, and a commentary track. Pay heed. Pay heed...